Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Disorder in the American Courts ..... These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm as these exchanges were actually taking place.
________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.

Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
__________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
__________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do. Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.
_________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?
__________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?
A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?
__________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?
__________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
__________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Q: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


Aging with a smile:

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.