Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Do You Know What I'm Doing?

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

[cobra de capell]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"


His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."


The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"


The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.


This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."


His funeral services will be held on Monday.
______

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” He said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?

[blykins]

ewwww.......

[cobra de capell]

You Might Be A Redneck if:

You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.

If you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

[cobra de capell]

Twas the Nite before Thanksgiving

Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moaning’ and *****in’.
I’ve been here for hours, I can’t stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I’ve got thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings - who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I’ve got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There’s a knock at the door and the telephone’s ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave’s dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert’s almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I’ve had all I can stand, I can’t take anymore;
Then walks in my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles “The eggnog is ready!”

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says “What’s takin’ so long? Aren’t you through in here yet??”
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain,
and screams “MY GOD WOMAN, YOU’RE GOING INSANE!!”
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, ****, it’s the pies!! They’re burned all to hell!!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I’d rather be dead.

Lord, don’t get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live ‘til next year,
You won’t find me pulling my hair out in here.

I’ll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn’t work, I’LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

I OWE MY MOTHER!!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished Cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of Next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to The store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that Way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day You’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

[Sharroll Celby]

A hunter walks into his favorite bar, orders a drink, and loudly announces that while blindfolded, people can bring him the skins of any animal and he can tell what animal it is, AND if he can find the bullet wound, he can determine the caliber of the killing shot, and if he is correct, the bar buys him a drink.

Once blindfolded, a customer brings him a skin. The hunter feels the skin and says "Bear".
Correct. He finds the bullet hole, and says "30.06"
Correct again. Barkeep serves the man a drink.
One man pulls out another skin. The hunter feels the skin and says "Deer."
Correct. He finds the bullet hole and says "30 caliber."
Correct again, and Barkeep serves the man another drink.

This goes on for the rest of the night, each time the hunter guessing correctly, and by the end of the night, the now-drunk hunter goes home to his wife, and crawls into bed.

The next morning, the hunter looks in the bathroom mirror and notices a HUGE black eye on his face. He says to his wife that he remembers getting drunk, but doesnt remember getting into a fight.
The wife says "I gave you that black eye. When you came home last night drunk, you put your hand down my panties and said...............

"Skunk...killed by an axe."

[cobra de capell]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[cobra de capell]

Cojones de Toro

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[cobra de capell]

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.

St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How do you expect me to find you a lawyer?"

[cobra cowboy]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."



The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.



The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".



The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."



And So The Christmas Season Begins......



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

[cobra de capell]

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. “Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” he says. “That's cool,” says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, “Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. “Oh yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!”

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!”

[cobra de capell]

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor found out about this and took each one into his office seperately to try and talk them out of it.

First he called in the woman and he told her that the man had already had two heart attacks and was very unhealthy and could die at any time. She told the doctor that she didn't care and she left.

Next, the doctor called in the man and told him that the woman was suffering from acute angina, and he said, ''I know! I peeked.''

[cobra de capell]

How to treat a woman

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How To Treat a Man

Show up naked.
Bring beer.
Don't block the TV.

[cobra de capell]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is
that they must not get even a drop of paint on their
habits. After conferring about this for a while, the
two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip
off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of
the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and,
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind
man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

[uncltodd]

Great-grandson finds out great-grandpa is gonna get married, so he visits him at the Home.

"I'll bet she's good lookin', huh, Pops?"

"No, she's as ugly as a mud fence."

"Then I'll bet she's a fine cook, right?"

"No, she can burn water."

"Well then, she must be wealthy, right Pops?"

"No, she's gettin' by on Social Security, the same as me."

"Then why are you gonna marry her, Pops?"

"Because she can drive at night."



Pops comes back home after dominoes with the boys.

Momma says, "I'm not wearing a bra. Do you think it makes me look younger?"

He gives her the trifocal once-over and says, "Yeah it does. It pulls about half the wrinkles out of your neck."


Pops and two buds are sitting on a bench in the park.

Pops says, "It sure is windy."

"Huh?" Says the first bud.

"I said it sure is windy."

"No, it's Tuesday," said the first bud.

"Huh?" Says the second bud.

"I said it's Tuesday," said the first bud.

"I'm thirsty too," said the second bud.

"Let's go get a beer."

Hey, I'm a fat old bald guy not getting any younger.

I can get away with fat, and old, and bald jokes. If I can't laugh at myself, I have no right to laugh at anyone else.

[cobra de capell]

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?

A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U

Continue to do so.

**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

**********

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father

hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

**********

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

**********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha


**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

[cobra de capell]

I'm not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person who is sex-starved would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more sex starved that person is.


Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take some viagra.

[cobra de capell]

Q. What is the difference between a wife and a mistress....


A. Twenty five pounds...

What's the difference between love and lust?


A hundred bucks.