Jokes

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It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. “Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” he says. “That's cool,” says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, “Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. “Oh yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!”

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!”

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Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor found out about this and took each one into his office seperately to try and talk them out of it.

First he called in the woman and he told her that the man had already had two heart attacks and was very unhealthy and could die at any time. She told the doctor that she didn't care and she left.

Next, the doctor called in the man and told him that the woman was suffering from acute angina, and he said, ''I know! I peeked.''

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How to treat a woman

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How To Treat a Man

Show up naked.
Bring beer.
Don't block the TV.

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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is
that they must not get even a drop of paint on their
habits. After conferring about this for a while, the
two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip
off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of
the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and,
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind
man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

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Great-grandson finds out great-grandpa is gonna get married, so he visits him at the Home.

"I'll bet she's good lookin', huh, Pops?"

"No, she's as ugly as a mud fence."

"Then I'll bet she's a fine cook, right?"

"No, she can burn water."

"Well then, she must be wealthy, right Pops?"

"No, she's gettin' by on Social Security, the same as me."

"Then why are you gonna marry her, Pops?"

"Because she can drive at night."



Pops comes back home after dominoes with the boys.

Momma says, "I'm not wearing a bra. Do you think it makes me look younger?"

He gives her the trifocal once-over and says, "Yeah it does. It pulls about half the wrinkles out of your neck."


Pops and two buds are sitting on a bench in the park.

Pops says, "It sure is windy."

"Huh?" Says the first bud.

"I said it sure is windy."

"No, it's Tuesday," said the first bud.

"Huh?" Says the second bud.

"I said it's Tuesday," said the first bud.

"I'm thirsty too," said the second bud.

"Let's go get a beer."

Hey, I'm a fat old bald guy not getting any younger.

I can get away with fat, and old, and bald jokes. If I can't laugh at myself, I have no right to laugh at anyone else.

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Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?

A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U

Continue to do so.

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Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father

hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

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Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha


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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

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Q. What is the difference between a wife and a mistress....


A. Twenty five pounds...

What's the difference between love and lust?


A hundred bucks.

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I'm not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person who is sex-starved would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more sex starved that person is.


Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take some viagra.

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of
the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto
the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up
to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a
lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I
say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay. "

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How to give a cat a bath:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

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Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey ," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons,and... my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

He never heard the shot.

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Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas

10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!

9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!

8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!

7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!

6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.

5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime”

4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.

3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.

2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!

1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us buddy!!”

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In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a very long time. So she went to the Wailing Wall to check it out, and..........there he was.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview."I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?""For about 60 years"."60 years! That's amazing!

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"Sir, how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?""Like I'm talking to a ******* wall."

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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

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How to say "I Love You" in 9 languages

English - I Love You
Spanish - Te Amo
French - Je T'aime
German - lch Liebe Dich
Japanese - Ai ****e Imasu
Italian - Ti Amo
Chinese - Wo Ai Ni
Swedish - Jag Alskar
Redneck - Nice butt. Get in the truck.

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A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

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A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint-hearted.

If you have a weak stomach, then don't click on the link. It is a picture of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. His insides are on the outside. The look of horror on the bystanders' faces is the reason I believe this is real.

http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

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A woman in the neighborhood found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found out that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Oh. Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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Children's Science Exam Answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All Water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no Water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
Intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his Adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.G., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the Borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution.

Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day,

Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:

(1). "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

(2). "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

(3). "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.

(4).... And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00