Jokes

[392cobra]

A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary Clinton is attending, trying to gather support for her nomination. Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy says, "you havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

She said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's a$$?"

"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's a$$."

"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[uncltodd]

Kinda OT, but I have been even more depressed than usual the last few days.

Momma was at church, so I called the Helpline. Like so many organizations, they have "outsourced" to Pakistan.

I found myself on a conference call with two Pakistanis that barely spoke English.

I told them that I was having suicidal thoughts.

They got all excited and asked me if I knew how to drive a truck.

UT, courtesy of Oklahoma Deadhorse Mustangs

[EarlsflyinCobra]

When you have a
'I Hate My Job'
day,
[even if retired you have those sometimes]

try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.


Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it wil l not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality contr ol department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

[cobra de capell]

Butch
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.


The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible.

[cobra de capell]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied,

"Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?"

"No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[cobra de capell]

For those coming to Phoenix for the Super Bowl

HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: “FEE-NICKS”.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “Wussy”.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the “I-10” are the same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to inform them that it has been “accidentally activated.”

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

13. Visitors, tourists and illegals need to rent Hummers.

14. Snowbirds drive 40’ long trailers, never exceed 35 mph, and don’t use turn signals. However, they are rarely packing guns——

15. WELCOME TO OUR FREEWAYS; ENJOY YOUR COMMUTE!!!

[cobra de capell]

This may be a repeat, but we need to be reminded....

Perspective.....

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend.
2. a companion.
3. a lover.
4. a brother.
5. a father.
6. a master.
7. a chef.
8. an electrician.
9. a carpenter.
10. a plumber.
11. a mechanic.
12. a decorator.
13. a stylist.
14. a sexologist.
15. a gynecologist.
16. a psychologist.
17. a pest exterminator.
18. a psychiatrist.
19. a healer.
20. a good listener.
21. an organizer.
22. a good father.
23. very clean.
24. sympathetic.
25. athletic.
26. warm.
27. attentive.
28. gallant.
29. intelligent.
30. funny.
31. creative.
32. tender.
33. strong.
34. understanding.
35. tolerant.
36. prudent.
37. ambitious.
38. capable.
39. courageous.
40. determined.
41. true.
42. dependable.
43. passionate.
44. compassionate.
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly.
46. love shopping.
47. be honest.
48. be very rich.
49. not stress her out.
50. not look at other girls.
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays.
* anniversaries.
* arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring beer .

[cobra de capell]

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Seattle Seahawks are Super Bowl contenders.”

Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God... at least Dopey’s survived!”



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What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Tennessee Titans fans in one room?

A full set of teeth!



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Why did the NY Jets players miss their flight for the big game?

They were stuck on a broken escalator!



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You’re trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of Denver Broncos. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the Bronco’s fan… twice.



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What do you call a Buffalo Bill’s fan with half a brain?

Gifted!



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Why are the Arizona Cardinals like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.



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What does the N stand for on the sides of the nebraska football helmets?

Knowledge!



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Why did UT choose Orange for the team color?

So the fans could wear it on Saturday to the game, on Sunday to go hunting, and the rest of the week picking up garbage on the highways.



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Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?

A. A thief



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Q. Why doesn’t Columbus, Ohio have a professional football team?

A. Because then Cleveland would want one.



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Q. What do you call Bears quarterback on the Colts’ 10-yard line?

A. Lost



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What do you say to a Raiders fan with a job?

“I’ll have a Big Mac, fries and a coke, please.”

[cobra de capell]

HALF TIME SHOW FOR SUPER BOWL



Featuring Mike Vick and Happy the Wonder Dog!

[Ron61]

Married Couple



A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.

She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and
especially this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my
darling husband" .

The fairy waved her magic wand ; and - poof! - two t ickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart ".
" I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed.

But a wish is a wish.

So, the Fairy waved he r magic wand, and - Poof! the husband became 92 years old.

The Moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember; Fairies are Female.



"When we laugh at our problems, we will
always have something to laugh about."

[cobra de capell]

Dilbert, Sunday.....

(Talking to his Mom)

How is work, Dilbert?

"I'm like a fly stuck in a thick tar of despair."

"Incompentence hangs in the air like the cold stench of death."

"I'm drowning, and monkeys dressed as lifeguards are throwing me anvils."

"My job has convinced me that life is a stale joke with no punch line."

"I long for the comfort of the grave."

Mom - "Next time just say 'It's fine'."

Dilbert - "I enjoy our talks."

Mom - "It's fine."

[cobra de capell]

What does the average Arkansas high school student get on the S.A.T.?

Drool.
_____

Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To GET my teeth,” he replied.
_____

[cobra de capell]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ." My wife's going to have her baby in the cab !" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her under- wear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. " Big breaths,". . . I instructed. " Yes, they used to be,". . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a " massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. " Which one ?". . . I asked. " The patch . . . the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked " How long have you been bedridden ?" After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ." Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ." So how's your breakfast this morning?" " It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.". . . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled " KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . ." Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said " Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY ! ! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ." I'm sorry. Was I tickling you ?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ." No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' "

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[427sharpe]

A little old man is driving home with his wife when he gets pulled over by a cop. Cop steps to the window and tells the old man..."Sir, I clocked you at 71 in a 55 zone. Is there an emergency?" Old man replies "Officer, I had my cruise control on 55. Has your radar been calibrated?" Without waiting a beat the wife says "Why Bert, you know this old car doesn't have cruise control!"
The old man says quietly, "Can you please be quiet for a moment?"
Cop writes the ticket, then tells him "I also noticed you weren't wearing your seatbelt..thats a $75 fine." Old man: "But I took off my seatbelt to get my wallet when you pulled me over!" and againg the wife chirps in: "Why HONEY! You KNOW you NEVER wear the seatbelt!!" and this drives the old man over the edge. He starts yelling at his wife: "You STUPID, IGNORANT SILLY OLD BITC*! WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LEARN WHEN TO KEEP YOUR PHUKIN" MOUTH SHUT AND LET ME HANDLE SOMETHING!!!"
Cop lets him cool down, then asks the wife "Does he always talk to you that way?"

"ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK!"

[Ron61]

In one episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained
any better than this . .

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[cobra de capell]

If You Love Somebody

I always thought the original saying was, "If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to begin with."

However, for the purposes of this test, let's use the proposed version. In which category do you fall?

"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

"The New Versions"

Pessimist
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.

Patient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat *

Vengeful
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back,
Hunt her down and shoot her.

C++ Programmer
if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
She'll evolve.

Statistician
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high,
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan
If you love somebody, Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Overpossessive
If you love somebody don't set her free.

HR Specialist
If you love somebody set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

MBA
If you love somebody set her free...
instantaneously...and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnambulist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Rhett Butler
If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE
If she asks you why say you don't give a damn.

ERP Functional Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

[cobra de capell]

A guy named Roger is driving his girlfriend, Gloria, home from dinner one night, when Gloria says, “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” There is silence in the car. To Gloria, it seems like a very loud silence.

Gloria (thinking): Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

Roger (thinking): Gosh. Six months.

Gloria (thinking): But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

Roger (thinking): So that means it was...let’s see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa, I am way overdue for an oil change here.

Gloria (thinking): He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

Roger (thinking): And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!

Gloria (thinking): He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

Roger (thinking): They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs.

Gloria (thinking): Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I truly do care about, a person who is in pain because of my self-centered schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

Roger (thinking): Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

Gloria (aloud): Roger?

Roger (startled): What?

Gloria (her eyes filling with tears): Please don’t torture yourself like this. Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so...

Roger: What?

Gloria (sobbing): I’m such a fool. I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.

Roger: There’s no horse?

Gloria: You think I’m a fool, don’t you?

Roger (relieved finally to know the right answer): No.

Gloria: It’s just that...It’s that I...I need some time.

Roger (after a 15-second pause during which he is thinking as fast as he can, trying to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.): Yes.

Gloria (deeply moved, touching his hand): Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?

Roger: What way?

Gloria: That way about time.

Roger: Oh. Yes.

Gloria (gazing deeply into Roger’s eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.): Thank you, Roger.

Roger: Thank you.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed and cries until dawn. Roger goes back to his place, opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he could ever understand what. He figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Gloria calls all her best friends and talks about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail they analyze everything she said and everything he said, considering every possible ramification. They continue to discuss this subject off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Gloria’s, pauses just before serving, frowns, and says, “Norm, did Gloria ever own a horse?”

[Ron61]

REDNECK CHURCH

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" LOVE IT!

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."

[cobra de capell]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. ‘Doctor,’ the man said, ‘I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can’t possibly be mine.’ ‘Nonsense,’ the doctor said. ‘Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.’

‘It isn’t possible,’ the man insisted. ‘This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.’

‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?’ The man seemed a bit ashamed. ‘I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.’

‘Well, there you have it!’ the doctor said. ‘It’s rust.’

[cobra de capell]

Also, Hillary promises not to go negative.....

Even though she’s apparently in a slide at the moment, the Hillary Clinton campaign is promising not to go negative against B. Hussein Obama.

A spokesperson anonymously put a positive spin on the campaign and said today, “While we understand Hillary is apparently sliding in poll after poll against B. Hussein Obama, we must call a spade a spade and admit we are now behind the black 8-ball. Like Davey Crockett at the Alamo, fighting in his coonskin hat, we feel we’re fighting for the survival of America. Hillary will be niggardly in her fiscal policy, keeping taxes low on middle and lower class American by soaking the rich for more than they already pay, subsidizing lower class Americans to achieve their right of being equal." Reaching for a coke, they said further, “What two people choose to do in the back seat of a car is their business", a statement in defense of personal rights.

"Hillary refuses to cater to any specific demographic group and will address all Americans and hyphenated-Americans equally, although she did thoroughly enjoy her latest trip to Mexico and truly appreciates the Mexicans and their hospitality."

Developing.......