Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Subject: FW: Southern Living


Kentucky: The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, Everything but my earrings." You gotta love those Kentucky women.

Alabama: A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked." Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the success ful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Louisiana: A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi: The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Tennessee: A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

[cobra de capell]

Dirty Dishes ~


A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck.

One day he comes across a beautiful, classic Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition.

He inquires about it with the owner, "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."

"Well" says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it."

So the guy buys the bike...and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic being a Harley fan.

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression.

When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey" she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem" he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks... dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So...he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word.

So...he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So...he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

'Her Mom's kinda cute'...he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table.

Again,...total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly...the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes!!!"

[cobra de capell]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages...

English I Love You

Spanish Te Amo

French Je T'aime

German lch Liebe Dich

Japanese Ai ****e Imasu

Thai Phom rak khun

Italian Ti amo

Chinese Wo Ai Ni

Swedish Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina,
South >>Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri,
Mississippi, Montana, >>Louisiana, Virginia,
West Virginia, Kentucky,
parts of Florida:

Nice Ass! Get in the truck!

[cobra de capell]

SENIORS GIVING BIRTH
With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they asked. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM ... OK?"

[cobra de capell]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied ...’It’s not talcum powder......It’s ‘Miracle Grow!
_____

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

‘Well’ he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes.’

The little girl screams ‘Don’t eat it, Don’t eat it, it’s an ass hole!’
____

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one-second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. Spot! Called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young mans feet. Relieved at the dogs having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. Spot! She called out sharply. I’ve got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and Ill feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. Spot!!! Shrieked the mother. Get over here before he craps on you!

[Bugman]

Breaking News: CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the
screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do.: !!

[cobra de capell]

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

[cobra de capell]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road, under heavy gunfire I might add. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never _cra...#@&&^(C%_ (mailto:cra...#@&&^(C) ....... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: Why did the chicken cross the road? I don’t know, but I’d hit it!
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? .........We need some black chickens!

JEREMIAH WRIGHT: He was one of America’s chickens. Coming home to roost.
BARBARA WALTERS: I slept with that chicken. Read about it in my autobiography.
KEITH OLBERMANN (Special comment): Mr. Bush, the chicken has crossed the road. Resign, sir!
OBAMA (when asked the second time): Hey, I already answered like six questions today. Let me get back to my waffle. (mumbles) Dumb cracker. HEY! Turn that thing off!
NANCY PELOSI: Chickens in America today suffer terrible injustices caused by this administration. I will propose legislation tomorrow that will help all chickens get the “help they need” to cross the road. Our country can no longer ignore the plight of these chickens. Chickens have been held back by Bush policies for too long and we will help them.
DER GOVERNATOR: “Yes, da chicken did cross da roat. But, it vowed: “I’ll be baaaack, bck, bck, bckaaa!”.”
RON PAUL: There is nothing in the Constitution about chickens or roads. Clearly this chicken is engaged in un-Constitutional Acts.
HOMER SIMPSON: MMMmmmmmm, chicken.
BILL O’REILLY: Because the chicken is a pinhead. I’ll give the chicken the last word. (Chicken: bk bka...) CLEARLY you are wrong. nameandtownnameandtownnameandtown if you wish to opine, and do NOT be a chicken crossing the road.

[cobra de capell]

In a statement released early this morning, presumptive Democratic Party nominee Senator Barack Obama, (D-Ill) speculated Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans would be a "Spectacular" choice for FEMA director.

Said a spokesperson, "In light of the hurricane disasters caused by global warming and the Bush administrations inability to cope with the devastating effects, we feel in a Democratic Party regime Mayor Ray Nagin would be a spectacular choice to head the federal emergency team. His prolific actions during the evacuation of New Orleans during the Katrina catastrophe saved thousands of lives and serves as a model for the rest of the country. Since he was able to effectively tell the Republican controlled Federal Government how to do their jobs, we feel he's the perfect Democrat to put his knowledge, leadership and foresight to use as the head of FEMA. In conclusion, the public perception of Mayor Nagin as a disorganized nincompoop who isn't able to organize a one car parade is simply not grounded in reality."

Upon hearing this news, Al Gore issued the following statement, "I fully agree with this choice. I would also like to encourage him to begin the evacuation of New Orleans immediately. Global Warming will cause oceans to rise 30 feet in the next 20 years, and it only takes a rise of 7 feet to flood the soup bowl known as New Orleans. Of course, the French Quarter can stay because 2nd story balconies are where the hot chicks show their hooters."

Developing..

[cobra de capell]

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up !!

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch with wine. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have millions of cows ...some of which end up becoming bad hamburger. They make Real California Cheese and are "happy". Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


BILL CLINTON CORPORATION: You have two cows. That’s all you need to know at this point........

HILLARY CLINTON CORPORATION: You have no cows. Someone loans you a cow. You ask an unnamed party to manage the cow. Unnamed party accumulates 100,000 cows for you, passing expenses to other unnamed corporations. Unnamed Party gives you 100,000 cows. Press asks how you got 100,000 cows when months before you didn’t own a single cow. You tell them it’s old news, was outlined in your book, and remind them you know where their children go to school, because it’s in the FBI files another unnamed party provided to you.

GREEN PARTY: You have two cows. They emit large quantities of greenhouse gases, so you sell both cows to buy carbon offsets. Now you have no cows, Al Gore has more money, and the cows are still farting just as much. But you feel better.

DEMOCRAT (alternative): You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You force your Republican neighbor to give him a cow, so that you won't feel guilty. He starves the cow to death, so you force your Rep. neighbor to give him another cow. The cycle continues.


GLOBAL WARMING COWS: Algore convinces you to sell the methane-producing-farting-belching cows at a ridiculous profit, put the money into a carbon credit dummy corporation so you can buy a catfish farm, make a lot of money and fly a gas-guzzling corporate jet.

[Excaliber]

Maybe we should rename this thread the "Politcal opinion Joke thread". Or, maybe policitcal commentary jokes should be posted somewhere else, like on Team Shelby.

[dave from mesa]

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk


She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.


Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.


It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'


'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly


'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.


'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

[Jamo]

Ernie...the title's fine and it's in a good place. You don't have to read it, much less post on it, my friend.

[cobra de capell]

After exhaustive meetings between the Republicans and Democrats, the debate schedule for the upcoming general election between Republican John McCain and Democrat Barack Obama has been set.

"In determining these debates, we had to take into account the schedules of each candidate and their positions on several important domestic and international issues. Regrettably, we weren’t able to schedule both candidates on any one given night, so each debate will have the candidate questioned separately, on different nights, in front of a live studio audience comprised purely of randomly selected independent voters.

For John McCain, who will be interviewed behind a podium under the glare of studio lights, the interrogations will be held by Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann, two of the more respected and non-biased news people in the business. Questions will test his knowledge of modern day economics and how the U.S. position interacts on a global basis, how to effectively solve inter-tribal disputes between Shia and Sunni Muslims and how best to implement democracy and peace in Iraq. His stance on Iran and his support of a pre-emptive strike against this peace-loving nation is of particular interest. For Barack Obama, his interviews will be held by hard hitting journalist Katie Couric and will take place in a living room setting complete with the warm glow of table lamps and a fire in the background will include such questions as how many states are in the union, what is the capital of Illinois, what river separates the eastern U.S. from western U.S., in what hemisphere is the U.S. located and finally, what ocean lies off the western coast of the United States.”

Said a Democratic Party spokesperson, “Although these questions on the surface may look uneven, we feel it’s important the American voter realize that Obama knows a lot of stuff about the U.S. that is generally unknown to his supporting block, Democrats and typical public school graduates.”

Developing..

[cobra de capell]

Following the news regarding British Airways no longer carrying in-flight meals containing beef so not to offend Hindu's, U.S. flag carriers have decided to also offer non-offending foods on their international flights.

Said a spokesperson, "U.S. flag carriers will no longer carry pork products so not to offend muslims, beef products so not to offend Hindus, fish or chicken so not to offend vegetarians, no milk or dairy products so not to offend vegans, salads so not to offend those who believe plants have rights, or any other type of meal that has a remote chance of offending anyone for any reason. Although this severely limits our meal options, our chefs are now devising appealing alternatives including fruitcake prepared in a variety of purees and fondues, dry cracker surprise and a delicious assortment of tofu prepared in a plethora of sauces, none of which contain trans-fats. All these items will be prepared using water instead of flavored stock so not to offend those who are offended by flavored stock."

In taste tests, repondents reported that all the new meals were very good because they, "Have the texture of a good used hemp rope but contain half the flavor and zero calories."

Developing..

[Ron61]

If I remember correctly that pretty much describes all of the meals that I was served when I was flying a lot. Airline food was the only that I ever ate that made me wish for Hospital food.

Ron

[cobra de capell]

A Buddhist monk walks into a pizza joint, goes up to the counter and says "Make me one with everything."

(wait, that's not all)

The pizza guy makes the pizza, gives it to the monk, and the monk pays with a $50 bill. The pizza guy goes back to work, the monk waits, and finally says "Where's my change?"

Pizza guy: "Change comes from within."
_______

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America !

[Doug I]

doesn't eating airline food LEAD to having to eat hospital food

[cobra de capell]

You Think English is Easy??? ...............

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce .


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.


6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.


8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.


9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.


10) I did not object to the object.


11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .


13) They were too close to the door to close it.


14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.


16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.


17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.


18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.


19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.


20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[cobra de capell]

Let's face it - English is a crazy language:

There is no egg in eggplant , nor ham in hamburger
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France
Sweetmeats are candies,
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the sil ver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionar y. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP.