Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!"

_____

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.”

The old rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The Water representative said, “Mister, I have the authority of Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. “Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?” The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep Running for the fence and close behind was the rancher’s bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out:

“Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

A LITTLE EMAIL HUMOR FOR THE DAY!

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-———under fiction.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-——wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these.”

[Art Burtt]

hey I resemble that!!

[cobra de capell]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

[cobra de capell]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

[cobra de capell]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' Says the man. 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie..'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'



***POOF***



The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and
platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams..'


***POOF***



The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me..'


***POOF***



He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be strings attached.

[cobra de capell]

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns."

He said "I'm gonna help you, Dear. I'll get you some aspirins for the headache, I'll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you'll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning!"
_____

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

---------------

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

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Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

---------------

Pacifier

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

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Diapering

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

---------------

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

---------------

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

---------------

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

---------------

Swallowing Coins

1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.

3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

[Excaliber]

Frodo failed, Bush has the ring!

[cobra de capell]

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
__________________

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like s**t.'
_______

..when a stranger carrying a new golf bag called out to them.

"Hey! Do you guys mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "come on." They started playing. They enjoyed the game, the day, and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the stranger, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm an assassin," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was their shocked response.

"No, I'm not," he said. He reached into his golf bag and pulled out a magnificent H & K sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here's one of my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

He picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow... I can see my wife in our bedroom... and.... she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my next door neighbour in there with her. He's naked too!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"For you, given the circumstances, I'll give you a flat rate. A thousand bucks every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife. She's always been a big mouth, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then shoot my neighbour. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off. Teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and aimed, standing perfectly still for several minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer, impatiently.

"Just take it easy," said the hit man calmly,



.... "I think I can save you a grand here."

[cobra de capell]

Trying to get a handle on where voters' priorities are, the Republican National Committee set up a phone bank and started a one-question survey, "How much do you worry about illegal immigration?"

76% of the people contacted said, "We worry about it a lot!"

The other 24% said, "No es una problema seriosa."

[cobra de capell]

Chris: How was your trip to New York?

Brian: Well, a mugger stopped me and said, "Gimme your money, or I'll blow your brains out."

Chris: What did you do?

Brian: I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away.

Chris: Wow! He told you to give him your money or he'd blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot??

Brian: Yeah. You don't need brains to live in New York, but you can't get along without money.
______

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .......... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'.

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
_____

Clancy is having a drink with Seamus. Seamus has this puzzled look on his gob, obviously deep in thought. "What're ye thinking about, Seamus?", sez Clancy. "I was just wonderin', Clancy, if you was out fishing tomorrow, and I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife, and she became with child, would we be related?" Clancy scratches his head, and thinks very hard. Finally he says, "Well, I don't know if we would be related, but we would be even".

[cobra de capell]

On their fiftieth anniversary, Milo and Madge had dinner with their EIGHT kids and many grandchildren. Finally they were alone and sat on the porch holding hands.

"Darling," said Milo, "I've always wondered about something in regard to our children."

"What's that, dear?" asked Madge.

Milo slowly explained, "Conrad looks different from our other SEVEN kids, and I always have wondered if he had a different father."

Madge squeezed his hand tightly and said, "Well, I guess I can tell you now that Conrad did have a different father than the others."

After a long pause, Milo said, "Please tell me who his father is."

She smiled sweetly and said, "You."

[cobra de capell]

High Blood Pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, the patient said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

"Neither", the patient replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now", the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
_____

[cobra de capell]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?





Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

..... Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
..... Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen

[cobra de capell]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much that is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

An old man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish,genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Babe, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know,you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind,but what about you,honey?'

You know I love you,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop s_x, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding.' he said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

[cobra de capell]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These ******** girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[cobra de capell]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over t o the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, ; "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, **** on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
_______

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

What happened to you,' asked Hillary?

'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!'

'My God, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary.

The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.
______

TWO OLD MEN

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch ??....Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window......Took my teeth with her!!"

[cobra de capell]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."
_____

How many ClubCobra forum-members does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

AND

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start it all over again.

[cobra de capell]

DEMOCRAT QUIZ

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What is the difference between a bleeding heart liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job.
_____

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on: feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand up, embraced and kissed her passionately on the lips as her husband watched with raised eyebrows.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I golf.
_____

WOMEN CAN BE SO INSENSITIVE

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she
agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ‘Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?’

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, ‘Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?’ she says, ‘Of course, dear.’ And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he’s down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. ‘Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?’

At this point the wife rolls over and says, ‘Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don’t.
____

Ahmadinijad: Iran and the world need Obama as President

In a statement released today, Iranian President Ahmandinijad told a captive audience in Tehran his support is fully behind Senator Barack Obama, (D-Ill) in the race for the Presidency of the United States.

The following is a rough translation. "It is not often the so called leader of the free world can be elected who is more than willing to legitimize a regime such as mine, but I'm convinced Obama will do it. His pledge to unconditionally sit down for face to face negotiations with me will give me world-wide credibility. I'm particularly impressed with his ability to convince the naive American public he can sit through 20 years of anti-Zionist teachings, yet continually spout his support for Israel; I must remember, however, the teachings of Mohammed who said lying to the Kufir is perfectly acceptable. 80% of the worlds muslims are for Obama, an overwhelming number the American voter simply can't dismiss. They will view it in the most negative terms if he doesn't win. Iran and indeed the world need Obama as President."

"I don't like McCain or the woman. I don't think they can be seduced with easy language or easy promises. Obama is who I want. It would be much easier to get away with our "peaceful" nuclear program with him in charge."

Nancy Pelosi was less than pleased with this statement saying, "I was in the Middle East to begin the process of appeasement and surrender, and I don't get a mention?"

Developing..
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EXCLUSIVE - Ellen's Fiancée: "Wedding is Off!"

INSIDE HOLLYWOOD, CA - A spokesperson for Portia de Rossi, longtime partner and newly named fiancée of television personality Ellen DeGeneres, has said plans for their upcoming wedding have been postponed indefinitely. The wedding, announced shortly after the California Supreme Court lifted the state's ban on gay marriage, was to take place next month. Sources say, among other things, there were heated arguments between the couple over who would wear the white dress.

"Portia had always assumed that she would be wearing the dress." said the spokesperson, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity. "But Ellen thinks she always has to be the center of attention."

Both women rejected the idea of a double dress wedding, as each had always wanted a strictly traditional ceremony. The double dress wedding has also been socially shunned and considered passé since the gay wedding rush in San Francisco two years ago.

Wedding trouble may also be brewing for actor George Takei and longtime partner Brad Altman. Altman reportedly bristled at the idea of an authentic Klingon gay wedding, and balked at Takei's plans to invite several thousand 'trekkies' to the ceremony. Altman was seen storming out of a Beverly Hills boutique following a heated discussion, in which Takei was reportedly doused with a champagne coolie.

Neither DeGeneres nor Takei could be reached for comment.