Jokes

[Bryan Wilson]

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

[cobra de capell]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
...........
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything ......
_______

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
_____

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

"Who drives you to the beach?"
______

[cobra de capell]

A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, grey haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him. The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not? The stately gentleman played 'straight &true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'

[cobra de capell]

I was traveling between home and work when a tire blew out.

Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.

Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.

She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

"Democrat!", I shouted.

"Hop in!", replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

"What's the matter?", she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
_____

Not a joke, but sort of funny....

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a filtering process and then fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service

[cobra de capell]

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.

"Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"

"Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb b####rd or lousy s##t head!"
_____

Understood only in Texas

The Texas state public education system cannot seem to adopt a statewide test that they use for more than 5 years. School districts statewide have used the following tests: TABS, TEAMS, TAAS, and now TAKS.

Therefore, the Laredo Independent school district has adopted a test that better fits the public education in our city. The new instrument will be the TEXAS ASSESSMENT OF COGNITIVE OPERATIONS (TACO).

It will have a remedial version (Soft TACO), a regular version (Hard TACO), and an advanced version with many more pages (the Gordita.) It will be graded on the standard bell curve (the TACO Bell).

Districts receiving the lowest scores will be put on probation with a Basic Educational Appraisal-Not Satisfactory (BEANS).

A second low rating earns the dreaded Supplement Remediation Factor for Individualized Education Deficits (REFRIED BEANS).

These ratings are expected to cause a lot of hot air at campus faculty meetings.

[cobra de capell]

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!


Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me!

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW-even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.



Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?


I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on--but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!


All I can do is pass along this warning:

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!


Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.


PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

[cobra de capell]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.'
_____

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
_____

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
______

Little sick, but still funny..

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" the man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

[cobra de capell]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position, and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning division and hired two people, one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a quality control (QC) division and hired two people, one (GS-9) to do the studies and one (GS-11) to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a payroll division with a time keeper (GS-9) and a payroll officer (GS-11), and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative division and hired three people: an Admin Officer (GM-13), Assistant Admin Officer (GS-13), and a Legal Secretary (GS-8).

Then, one year later, Congress reviewed the operation of the desert scrap yard and said, "We are $18,000 over budget. We must cut back overall costs!"

So they eliminated the night watchman. ..

[cobra de capell]

Probably a repeat, but if it did happen, it would be funny every time.....

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet…

“Well, f----in stop doin it then, ya evil ba------rd!”
_____

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 4 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?'

The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not.'

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.'

'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon and one
of them is honking the horn.'
_____

Former President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies.

Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President."

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings Hillary by to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies."

The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies."

The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"

[cobra de capell]

School 1967 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1967 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack's shotgun. He goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, and FBI is called. Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best
friends. Nobody goes to jail; nobody is arrested; nobody is expelled.

2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are arrested and charged with assault. Both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being
abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1967 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit
against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security, and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates parents;
siblings are removed from home; computers confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.
1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

[cobra de capell]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife finishes hers when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, and quickly wraps herself in a towel.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she can say a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you are wearing.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps in the towel and goes back upstairs. Her husband asks from the shower, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story - If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Questions....

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?.....They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?.......They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[cobra de capell]

Not a joke, it's a BBQ......



Hmmmmm......I wonder how........



Oh....and here's a BBQ bra......I'd say, very efficient!

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Hmmmmm......I wonder how........

This is how..................

snopes.com: Ferrari, Ford F-150 Accident

[cobra de capell]

Thanks for the link - interesting.....
______

Story of My Life.

When I was 14:
I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.


When I was 16:
I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college:
I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25:
I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28:
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl
with some real ambition.

When I turned 31,
I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[cobra de capell]

A man asks a lawyer, "What are your rates?"
Lawyer: $1000 for 3 questions
Man: Isn't that a bit expensive?
Lawyer: Yes it is. What's your third question?

[cobra de capell]

No $



Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad
________

How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care

LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money

LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts

LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's

LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV

LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score
_____

A Husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on.'

But she decided she would do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for herself.

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief? You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it.'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed coffin.

[cobra de capell]

Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
_____

Special Classes for Men





1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2
hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.


3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


6. Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.


7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


8. Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.


9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

[cobra de capell]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office in Mississippi, trailed by 15 kids.

“WOW”, the social worker exclaims, “Are they all yours?''

"Yep, they are all Mine,” the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, “Sit down Leroy.” All the children rush to find seats.

“Well”, says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.”

“'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leigh Roy”.

In disbelief, the case worker asks, “Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?”

Their momma replied, “Well, yes. It makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy.”

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come and not the whole bunch?”

“Then I call them by their last names.”

[cobra de capell]

Q: What do you give an elephant suffering from diarrhea?

A: Lots of room.