Jokes

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A certain (clueless) husband was out in the back yard one Saturday cleaning his charcoal grill. His wife happened to bend over to pick some weeds just as he glanced up.

He exclaimed loudly: "Dang hon! Your butt's as big across as my old Webber grill here!" His wife was angry, but said nothing. A few moments later she bent over to pick another weed and hubby repeated the comment. Thoroughly annoyed, she went inside to watch TV.

Later that night they cuddled in bed, and hubby, having forgotten completely about his earlier faux pas, asked if she might be "in the mood".

She stared him coldly in the eye and replied: "If you think I'm going to fire up my big Webber grill for your sad little wiener, you are sadly mistaken!"

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Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old....

Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘post turtle’.” Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a ‘post turtle’.”

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. “You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there!.”’
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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

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A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were not involved".
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The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
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An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
_____

A guy from Newfoundland is sitting at the bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the- art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the- art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Newfoundlander explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Newfoundlander smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast...Can I buy you a drink?!"

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Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

[tfalk]

They finally revealed the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
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Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
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WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD, BECAUSE . . ...

He said .. .

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early"

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

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I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking
it really scared me, so that's it!

No more reading!
___

A handful of 7 year old children were asked ' what they thought of beer.'

Some interesting responses, but the last one has a familiar ring.........

7 year old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

7 year old Mellanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'

7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

7 year old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

7 year old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'

7 year old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.'

7 year old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

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EBONICS

Jerry is an 18 year old sixth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the Los Angeles Public school system.
One day Jerry got an easy assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence.
This is what Jerry did.

1. HOTEL: I gave my girlfriend de crabs and de HOTEL everybody.

2. RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

3. DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer told me, if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT, they are gonna sent me back to the big house.

4. FORECLOSE: If I pay aliomony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE.

5. CATACOMB: Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, sombody give de CATACOMB.

6. PENIS: I went to a doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.

7. ISRAEL: Alonso tried to sellme a Rolex, I said; Man that looks fake. He said; No, ISREAL.

8. UNDERMINE: There is a fine lookin' Hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.

9. TRIPOLI: I was gonna buy my ol' lady a bra but I couldn't find a TRIPOLI.

10. STAIN: My mother-in-law axed me, if I was STAIN for dinner.

11. ODYSSEY: I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.

12. HORDE: My sister got in trouble because she HORDE around school.

13. INCOME: I just got in bed with this hoe and INCOME my wife.

14. HONOR: At the rape trail, they axed my buddy, who be HONOR first.

15. FORTIFY: I axed de hoe how much? and she said FORTIFY.

16. BEFORE: 2 plus 2 BEFORE.

[Ron61]

A Mountie stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real
jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the
red light violation. The 'Motorist' instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in
rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'Violator' for his signature. The guy signs
the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to
the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for.

The Mountie says, 'That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that
you're an Asshole!'
Two months later they're in court. The 'Violator' has such a bad
driving record he is about to lose his licence and has hired a lawyer
to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man
run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney
asks; 'Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued
my client?'
Officer responds, 'Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: 'Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is
an 'AH,' underlined.'
Lawyer: 'What does the AH stand for, officer?'
Officer: 'Aggressive and Hostile Sir.'
Lawyer: 'Aggressive and hostile?'
Officer: 'Yes Sir?
Lawyer: 'Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?'
Officer: 'Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!'

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Louisana State Police do a very similar thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happened to my father-in-law for a seat belt violation!!!!!!!!!!

David

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English ... Chinese

That's not right ... Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? ... Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ... Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ... Dum Fuk
Small Horse ... Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ... Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table ... Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift ... Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here ... Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet ... Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone ... No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week... Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ... Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive ... Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great ... Fa Kin Su Pa
_____

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
_____

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[cobra de capell]

PEPITO STRIKES AGAIN...

A grade school teacher in Las Milpas asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Maria put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my abuelito's farm, and we all saw his pet cabrito. It was fascinating.

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Enriqueta shyly raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the pyramids and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Enriqueta, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Pepito raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Pepito before.

She finally gave in and decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Pepito said, 'My Tia Ninfa has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chichis are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher cried.

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Actually, not a joke, just well done......



_____

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.

On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he’d never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!’

‘For the rest of her life she will require ‘round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver forever!’

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just fooling with you. She’s dead. What’d you catch?’.
_____

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified — an American, a Russian, an Australian, and a Mexican.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers would determine who among them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know?’

Steve, the American, replied, ‘A THOUGHT. It comes without any warning; it just pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that I know..’
‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer.

‘And now you sir?’ he asked Vladimir, the Russian. ‘Hmm.... let me see.
A blink! It comes and goes without you knowing that it ever happens. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.’ ‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer.
‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed’

He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the barn comes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.’ The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Mexican, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, ‘Pues Apter herring da 3 preybeus ansers sir, et’s obeus to me dat the fastest ting is Diarrhea.’

‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were giggling in their seats...’Oh, I can espleyn sir,’ said Eleuterio.

‘You see, sir, da ader day my istumach was peeling Bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but bepore I could TINK, BLINK, or TURN ON DE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi shet in my pants!’

Eleuterio is now the new ‘Greeter’ at Wal-Mart.
_____

An amazing thing happened to me this morning.

I was riding on the interstate in the second-from-the-left lane. I never cruise in the far left lane because I am not MENTALLY RETARDED. So I was riding along and the car in front of me was going kinda slower than me so I moved over to the far left lane to go past him. Well, by the time I went past him, I already had a car coming up behing me, so I switched lanes back into the second-from-the-left-lane.

An amazing thing happened.

Traffic flowed. See how that worked? It was amazing..... Nobody had to wait on anybody and nobody was inconvenienced because of the stupidity of some driver thats completely oblivious to whats going on around him and never ever looks in the rear view mirror to see that loooooong line of cars behind him.
If there is a loooooong line of cars behind you...guess what....YOU ARE GOING TOO SLOW!! PUT DOWN THAT GIANT JELLY DOUGHNUT AND GET OFF THE PHONE!! LOOK AROUND YOU. SEE ALL THOSE PEOPLE?? THEY LIKE GOING HOME. THEY ENJOY BEING HOME. THEY DON’T LIKE SPENDING ALL DAY BEHIND YOU. SOME PEOPLE HAVE PLACES TO GO. JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE 4 HOURS TO DRIVE TWO MILES TO THE DAIRY QUEEN TO GET ANOTHER CHOCOLATE FUDGE COVERED CHEESEBURGER (whats that...five today) THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT OTHER PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A LIFE AND CHOOSE NOT TO SPEND HALF OF IT ON THE ROAD BEHIND YOU!!!!!

And by the way... its OK to accelerate. Your engine is not going to fall out if you accelerate faster than 5 mph every two minutes. When the light turns green, you don’t have to wait until the car in front of you is 1000 feet ahead before you decide to go. There are people behind you. They would like to get through the light too.

thankyouhaveaniceday

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Rules of Bedroom Golf


1.Each course is privately owned, use of the course is by invitation only.

2.The course may not be in ‘ready to play’ condition on your arrival. Warm-up and practice areas are available on a limited basis. It is always considered bad form to begin playing a hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will spend considerable time admiring the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

3.The course owner is the single defining authority on ‘out-of-bounds’ play. If a portion of the course is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.

4.Access to some portions of the course is restricted. Players are cautioned to always play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner. Players are advised to always obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

5.Replay of a particular hole will be allowed, especially if it was initially well-played. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.

6.Scorekeeping is the responsibility of each player. No scores are to be published.

7.Players who may be unable to achieve par for the course will be directed to the driving range, where they can individually shoot a bucket of balls.

8.Generally, playing is by paired twosomes. Threesomes & foursomes are only allowed on special occasions. Leave your caddy at home.

9.The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

10.Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.

11.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.

12.Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course. Use of oversized clubs is always at the course owner’s discretion.

13.Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

14.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.

15.Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

16.Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.

17.It is considered bad form to reveal to other players that you have ever played a particular course.

18.Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
______

One evening John and the guys were hitting the Guinness at the pub and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John hoisted his beer high and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night.

Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.""Aye," she said, "and what was your toast?""Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!" he replied. "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?"

"Aye," she said. "I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

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A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[cobra de capell]

Attack Squirrel of Death

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle.at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect.

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close.

I hate to run over animals.and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for "Banzai!" or maybe "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street.and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel.
This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in, well, I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle, my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.

The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked. Sort of. Spectacularly sort of, so to speak.

Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.

That is one dangerous squirrel.

And now he has a patrol car.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.

And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

[cobra de capell]

A Somalian arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing,
food stamps, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in Canada!'

The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not
Canadian!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Canadian?'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work' ...
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9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their
asses!


5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?' No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
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