Jokes

[cobra de capell]

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer technician are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the excitement, the passion, and the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it... too many problems he says.

The computer technician says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
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All too rarely, airline attendant make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
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On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentelman, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing the stewardess said "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 4 ways out of this airplane."
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington International, a lone voice came over the loud speaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
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After a particularly tough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child....pick your favorite."
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"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airplane's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!" (OMG...... that was just rediculously corny)
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tub, we hope that you'll think of US Airways."
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[Ron61]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'