Jokes

[cobra de capell]

An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Johnny Pellagrini?'

Yes, Father, it is.'

And who was the girl you were with?'

I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

I cannot say.'

Was it Teresa Pazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

Was it Nina Capelli?'

I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

Was it Cathy Pintano?'

My lips are sealed.'

Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for the next 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Vinnie slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

Four months vacation and five new leads.'
_____

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
_____

Judge Judy to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'
_____

Men are like......

.....place-mats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.