Jokes

[cobra de capell]

[Ron61]

This morning on the interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear-view mirror, putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and, when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lande, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily ... but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked the cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins", ruined the damn cell phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call!
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

[cobra de capell]

Joke? Hmmmmmm.......

[cobra de capell]

At the Democrap convention......<p>

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Also, a great trick to teach your dog.....

[cobra de capell]

Life Science Final Exam

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.” What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can’t steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled and then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

[427 S/O]

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

And this from South Carolina

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

[Ron61]

Blonde Mortician.........

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she
would like the
body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit
he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best
in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't
care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing.

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did
an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you
spend?' To her
astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that
exquisite blue
suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked
his wife if
she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,
and she said
it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


Scottish Logic

A man in Scotland, calls his son in London, the day before
Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I thought I'd better tell you
that your Mother and I are divorcing,
45 years of misery is enough."

"Dad, What are you talking about," screams the son.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the Father
says,
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about it,
so you can call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Frantically, the son phones his sister, who explodes on the
phone,
"Like hell they're getting divorced, leave this with me," she
shouts.

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her Father,
"You are not getting divorced, don't do a thing until I get
there.
I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then DON'T DO A THING," and hangs up the phone.

The Old Man, hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says,
"They're both coming for Christmas and they're paying their own
way."

[Ron61]

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the
same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even
afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to
politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama
in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my
wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a
whorehouse,"

The second barber turned to McCain and said, "How
about you?"
McCain replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know
what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[Ron61]

A sweet grandmother telephoned Parkview Hospital. She
timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name
and room number?' The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,

'Norma Findlay, Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold wh ile I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said,
'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing
very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came
back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you . That's wonderful! I was so
worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied,
'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ****.'

[Ron61]

Dear Tide...

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it

all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now

that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago,

I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate

and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and

generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another

and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and

satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out

so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests

on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was

no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a

murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, I GOTTA GO, have to write to the Hefty bag people

[Ron61]

Two young men from up in Minnesooooota
were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the
beautiful girls in this catalog?'

Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very
beautiful. And look at the price!'

Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they
aren't very expensive. At this price,
I'm buying one.'

Sven smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as
beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get
one too.' Three weeks later, Sven man asks his friend
Ole, 'Did you ever receive the
girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be
long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

[cobra de capell]

How to Install a Home Security System in the South

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

'Cooter'
_____

Below is a eye witness account of a gang fight & kill'n one night this week. It was posted on another web site...

About 8 coons were eating corn underneath my feeder. All of a sudden, 2 coons start fighting. Another coon runs from the treeline and joins the fight! Protecting one of the participants? Who knows. Pretty interesting though. But wait! Theres more!.....

After about 10 seconds of the three of them fighting, 1 bails and heads back into the woods. The other two continue fighting INTO THE TANK! They were literally fighting IN THE WATER. They went all the way to the middle of the tank while still fighting. I was watching the whole thing through my night vision monocular.

There eyes were going up and down below the water line. they were caughing, screaming, scratching, AND STILL FIGHTING! Then, they both go down for about 5 seconds or so, and one doesn't come back up. The one that came back up, swam to shore and ran off. The other one never resurfaced.

Is this coon murder? Man I wish I had enough light to film. It was amazing!
_____

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ‘OK take off all your crose.’

The woman did as she was told.

‘Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.’

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’

So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.

Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’

Worried the woman asked anxiously ‘Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?’

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied ‘Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your a$$.’
_____

[cobra de capell]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, “Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.”

Mujibar said, “I am ready”

The manager said, “Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.”

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, “Mister manager, I am ready”

The manager said, “Go ahead.”

Mujibar said, “The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar.’”

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
_____

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
______

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn’t restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, “You’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?”

“I’m sorry if I disturbed you,” the woman replied, “I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, “I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?”

The woman looked at him and said, “Pepper.”
_____

[cobra de capell]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
_____

Little Johnnie's teacher calls on him for a math quiz question.

Teacher: Johnnie, there are 5 birds on a telephone wire. A man shoots one off. How many are left?

Johnnie: OK a man shoots a gun. The gun is loud. So all the birds would fly away. I'd say there are no birds left!

Teacher: Johnnie, the correct answer is 4, but I like the way you're thinking!

Johnnie: Teacher now I've got a question for you. There are 3 woman sitting on a park bench all eating ice cream cones. One is licking at the tip, the other is licking around the bottom. And the third has the ice cream all the way in her mouth down to the cone. Now which woman is married?

Teacher: While blushing says - well I guess the one with the ice cream in her mouth to the cone!

Johnnie: No teacher the correct answer is the one wearing a wedding ring - but I like the way you're thinking!
_____

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Cobra when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[cobra de capell]

And of course Little Johnny...
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
_____

A woman was looking in the mirror and told her husband that she thought her breasts were too small. Her husband said, "Why don't you take a little strip of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts everyday?" She said, "Do you that'll work?" He said, "I don't know, but it sure worked on your ass!"

[Portoman]

This picture was taken at the gun shop in Vegas.

[BigGuy]

When to start cussing

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 6 year old.
'I think it's about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast,

I'm gonna say something with hell

and you say something with ass.'

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,

gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out,

with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts,

'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old

and asks with a stern voice,

'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

I don't know, he blubbers,

'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'


.

[mk2gt40]

Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

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Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what20happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."
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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

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