Jokes

[CobraEd]

How do you know if a redneck is married???




There are chewing tobacco stains down BOTH sides of the pickup truck !


.

[cobra de capell]

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-—under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that
true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.”

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant..

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these.”

[Ron61]

A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password, something he would use to log-on.

Her husband was in a mood and thought he would try the shock effect to get his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in: P...E...N...I...S...

His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied....



***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[cobra de capell]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby. "

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
_____

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to a doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations . . . I've changed my will three times!"

[cobra de capell]

IMMIGRANT STYLE

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. ‘Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?’ he asks.

‘$100,’ she replies.

In broken English he says ‘Do you do Immigrant Style?’

‘No’ she says.

‘I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.’

‘No’, she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

‘I pay you $300.’

‘No’, she says.

‘I pay you $400.’

‘No’, she says.

So finally he says, ‘OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.’

She thinks, ‘Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now. I’ve had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?’’.

So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, ‘Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is ‘Immigrant Style’?’

The illegal immigrant replies ‘You send bill to Government.’

[Bugman]

I know it's extra work but click the link! I had to go back 4 pages to find the joke thread! Man things have been too serious around here!

http://www.jibjab.com/view/257196

[cobra de capell]

KOOL-AID Posts Record Setting Profits in 3rd Quarter

After stronger than expected sales in the upper midwest and occupied North Carolina & Virginia, KOOL-AID has made a dramatic comeback.

Analysts attribute KOOL-AID's turnaround to a big change in their recipe.

"We actually altered nothing but the packaging..." CEO Vladimir Chavez says.

[Ron61]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the
name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)


She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

[cobra de capell]

With the Georgia Senate race heating up as a contest between Democrat Jim Martin and Republican Saxby Chambliss, ACORN has promised their full non-partisan support for Martin in the upcoming runoff election.

An anonymous ACORN spokesperson stated that according to their registration records, hundreds of thousands of voters nationwide have selected Georgia as their new home and are registered to vote in this special election. ACORN will be arranging transportation for these individuals to go to Georgia so they can participate in the election. Although not specific, they have also received absentee ballots from many thousands more who are unable to actually travel to Georgia to vote. They will be bringing these ballots with them and fully expect them to be counted, the failure of which to do so will result in court challenges.

The biggest problem facing Georgia election officials is trying to figure out how 107,291 people, currently out of state, are registered to vote in this runoff, but all claim a two bedroom, one bath trailer located 12 miles east of Dalton as their home.

Developing..

[cobra de capell]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

‘Well, that’s great....that’s just great....

Some asshole’s got my pen!’

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't...there's a clock on the oven.
----------- ------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- ---------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

---------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men?

Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
_____

A man went to his bank manager and said:
'I'd like to start a small business; how should I go about it?'
'Simple,' said the bank manager, 'buy a big one and wait.'
_____

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'Insufficient Funds.'

Is it them or me?
_____

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the kid.
_____

Q. How do you define optimism?
A. A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.
_____

Q. What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A. The pizza can still feed a family of four.
_____

Overheard in a City bar:

"This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife!"

[cobra de capell]

Lewis Lizzard, an Alaska defense attorney, arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.” And on and on and on..

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all and Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF HEAVEN, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?”
_____

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, ‘Mom! I have someone for you to meet.’

So they met and it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic hotel. Their first night there, she undressed as did he.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, ‘Why the black panties?’

She replied: ‘My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.’

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same— she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit— but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: ‘What’s with the black condom?’

He replied, ‘I want to offer my deepest condolences.’

[cobra de capell]

A man enters the doc's office.
"Okay, tell me why you are here!"
"Okay! Every morning I pee at 7 AM, and then I do my "big business" at 7.15 sharp!"
"So, what is your problem then???"
"I only get up at 7.30 PM doc!!"

[wizard]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

With the Georgia Senate race heating up as a contest between Democrat Jim Martin and Republican Saxby Chambliss, ACORN has promised their full non-partisan support for Martin in the upcoming runoff election.

An anonymous ACORN spokesperson stated that according to their registration records, hundreds of thousands of voters nationwide have selected Georgia as their new home and are registered to vote in this special election. ACORN will be arranging transportation for these individuals to go to Georgia so they can participate in the election. Although not specific, they have also received absentee ballots from many thousands more who are unable to actually travel to Georgia to vote. They will be bringing these ballots with them and fully expect them to be counted, the failure of which to do so will result in court challenges.

The biggest problem facing Georgia election officials is trying to figure out how 107,291 people, currently out of state, are registered to vote in this runoff, but all claim a two bedroom, one bath trailer located 12 miles east of Dalton as their home.

Developing..

Well, I live in Dalton and 12 mile East of here is Chatsworth. I have seen the trailer. It's OK. It's a 2 story.

[cobra de capell]

Originally Posted by wizard

Well, I live in Dalton and 12 mile East of here is Chatsworth. I have seen the trailer. It's OK. It's a 2 story.

Thank God you don't live in the trailer!

Anyway....

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group
discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in,
makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything
and then leaves.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational
layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are
often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to
the problems they were designed to solve.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who
are suspected of planning to leave the company
or department soon.

OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time
in which realize that you've just made a BIG
mistake. Like making the selection that reformats
your hard drive.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of
whacking the crap out of an electronic device
to get it to work again.
____

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines
for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off
the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks,
"if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of
meat from my store, do I have a right to demand
payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You
owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from
me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher
a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher,
browsing through his mail, finds an envelope
from the lawyer.

The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."

[cobra de capell]

As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering.

The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?"

The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up."

The lady then asked, "What about the smell?"

The man replied, "I guess just hold its little nose!"
_____

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important pig, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[cobra de capell]

Viagra ingredients revealed!


After much research and millions of dollars, our scientists have
discovered the secret ingredients to Viagra!

VIAGRA INGREDIENT LIST: (TopSecret!) 3% Vitamin E 2% aspirin 2%
ibuprofen 1% Vitamin C

...and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...92% Fix-A-Flat!

[cobra de capell]

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me
mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?
____

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.

They exchange hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest diameter.

By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
_____

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway his wife snaps at him,"What's the big idea coming home half drunk"?

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey, I ran out of money."
_____

The Tearful Bride...

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.

"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.

"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

[cobra de capell]

Millions of sperm are racing in the darkness, fired up over their mission when one yells to the front, "How much farther to the ovaries?"

The one in front shouts back,"Could be a while, we just passed the tonsils."
_____

Rectum Stretcher

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."

"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"
"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.

"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"

"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the Bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what?" asked the collector.
"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.
"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.
"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"

"...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."

"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?"

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."