Jokes

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Things never said by Southerners

40. Oh, I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't aeen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight

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Famous Quotes

Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem? - Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

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Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started....

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Fail Safe Turkey Recipe and cooking instructions

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing — imagine that.
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey’s butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it’s done

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[Ron61]

THE TALIBAN

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I
need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger
than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two
miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours
later he staggered back, almost dead. "Your ****ing brother won't let me
in without a tie!"

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Two guys were driving to Mexia, Texas.

Neither had been there before and were discussing how to pronounce “Mexia.”

One was saying “Meh-he-cah.” and the other was saying “Mex-e-ah.”

They pulled in to the first business in town and to settle it, they asked the clerk.

“So we can settle an arguement about the how the name is pronounced, could you say the name of this place very slowly?”

The clerk said, “Sure. It’s pronounced D a i r y Q u e e n.”
_____

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky (cooler) to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute(truck) and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a
whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too Miss, I didn't know we had
a choice!"
_____

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
_____

Over 5000 men have been surveyed askin why they like a bj: 1% liked the warmth 2% liked the sensation 3% liked the eroticism and 94% enjoyed the peace and quiet!
____

Women are like swimming pools, cost a fortune to keep for the amount of time you spend in them
_____

Guy says to his wife : "Darling what would you do if i told you i've won the lottery"?

Wife replies; "I'd take half, then probably leave you".

Husband says; "Excellent! I got 3 numbers on Saturday, here's your fiver-now ____
OFF!"

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CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get t y red.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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"Blondes and the Telephone Pole"

A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women.

The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be
installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the
truck breaking down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"
_____

Golf and a Heart Attack"

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying, and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."

"The second hole?? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
_____

"Lawyers on the Bus"


A bus-load of Lawyers is traveling down a deserted road. Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree, and catches fire.

The owner of the field, a farmer, runs up, surveys the scene, and buries all the lawyers.

A week later, two policemen are traveling down that same road and notice the wreckage. They run up to the house and ask what happened.

"A bus-load of lawyers crashed into the tree and the bus caught fire." replied the farmer.

"But what happened to all the lawyers?" asked the policeman.

"I buried them," the farmer said.

"They were all dead?" cried the officer.

"Some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know that lawyers are very good at lying."

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Oneliners Redux

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.
Landing is first.

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

There is no time like the present for postponing
what you ought to be doing.

Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

I get six miles per gallon with my new car . . .
my son gets the other twenty.

If money won't make you happy, you won't
like poverty either.

Cease and desist! Don't make me use uppercase.

Many people's tombstones should read died
at 30, buried at 60.

The generation that criticizes the younger
generation is always the one that raised it.

I had a nostalgic English teacher who found
the past perfect and the present tense.

Happiness has one great advantage over Money.
People don't try to borrow it.

At my age, getting a second doctor's opinion
is kinda like switching slot machines.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

The missing link between man and monkey can be
found in today's politicians.

What will happen to work when the trend toward
longer education meets the trend toward earlier
retirement?

I just saw the animals in my neighborhood lining
up two by two. Should I be worried?

There's probably nothing wrong with the younger
generation that the older generation didn't outgrow.

My doctor says I've got something going for me.
However, he can't stop any of it from going.

What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls
the beginning.

Health is wealth. . . . and it's tax-free!

Few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather
special to be one of them.

She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint.

I just got my bill for my stay in the hospital. Now I
know why surgeons wear masks!

If it wasn't for plumbers, you'd have no place to go.

Most would rather be ruined by praise than saved by
criticism.

Katrina victims are learning the Law of Diminishing
Compassion.

Force without justice is tyrannical.

Kamasutra Kamikaze: Willing to try every position in
one night or die trying.

When they say "instant credit," they actually mean
"instant debt".

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

Boredom is a sign of unused potential.

Kraft Foods laid off six thousand workers and
profits are up. Now they have six thousand more
people living on macaroni and cheese.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the
fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you
want to know?"

Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or
left handed... or is that "pawed"?!

A father is a man who carries pictures in his billfold
where money used to be.

I either want less corruption, or a chance to participate.

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Q. How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?








A. We don't want to change the light bulb. We want to smash the light bulb.
_____

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "it's just regular porn................... you sick bastard."

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"New Ears"

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells,

"You swine, you gave me a woman's ears!"

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
___

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to try to make it a bit more relevent.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

"Oh, I dunno," she replied, "probably fishing & drinking beer with his mates."

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The PUNishment of it All!


If pros and cons are opposite, is progress the opposite of congress?

I would never be caught dead with a necrophiliac!

Necrophiliacs put the fun back in FUNeral.

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Diploma: Da' man who fixes da' pipes.

Someone's karma ran over my dogma.

If Satan lost his hair, there would be hell toupee!

Demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Be cowful what you utter about udders. You cud be overheard...This could go on and on, but why milk it?.

Someone stole the precinct toilet. The cops have nothing to go on.

Fangs for the Memories: Vampire the Musical

Confucius say: Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls, no walk.

Confucius say: Man who spends time at cathouse spends night in dog house.

Confucius say: Man who lay down with dogs, wakes up with fleas.

Confucius say: Virgin like balloon. One prick, and all gone.

Confucius say: Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.

Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius say: Man who lives in glass house, change clothes in basement.

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Macho: Someone who jogs home from a vasectomy

Better: What we instantly feel when we realize our neighbor's problems are as bad as our own

Dysentery: What you get when dissent merges with commentary

Liberal: A church with four commandments and six suggestions

Resume: The closest any of us will ever come to perfection

Date: An organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize their intense dislike for you

Dilemma: Trying to believe someone you normally trust when you know you would lie if you were in their place

Job: A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting

Sabbatical: A Latin word meaning 'I quit but you won't know it for sure for a year'

Irony: Buying a suit with two pairs of pants and then burning a hole in the coat

Insanity: Driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to get on a treadmill for twenty minutes

Progress: What you get when each mistake is a new one

Kids: People to be nice to since they are the ones who will choose your nursing home

Marriage: The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer

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6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You’re smiling now because you’re an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There’s still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this ..

I’m an idiot and I needed company ...

_____



"Iz kant beleve Iz ait de hole turkee!"

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.. ‘My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.’ The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. ‘My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.’ Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. ‘My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.’ With that the wolf jumps up and screams, ‘Will you knock it off, I’m trying to poop!’

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Subject: Indian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said ‘Give me Liberty or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775’ he said.

‘Very good!’

Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’ said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘FXXk the Indians,’

‘Who said that?’ she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. ‘General Custer, 1862.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’

Again, Chandrasekhar says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said ‘You little sXXt. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘ Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.’

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh sXXt, we’re screwed!’

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, “I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008.”

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Ending Troubles"

"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little
girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll
be at the end of your troubles."

So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and
about six months later when he saw the preacher again
he tried to murder him.

"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me
if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles.
Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable."

"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied
the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles,
but I never said which end."

______

Two women chatting over coffee. One says "What's your husband getting you for your birthday?".

"Roses" replied the other, "Its always roses" - with a grimace.

The first lady asks what's wrong with that and she gets the reply that when the husband has given roses he has certain expectations and she didn't like spending three days on her back with her legs in the air.

"Haven't you got a vase?" asked her friend.

[Sharroll Celby]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the woods when she spies the Big Bad Wolf hiding behind a rock.
"What big eyes you have Mr. Wolf." The wolf gets up and runs further down the trail.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping further down in the woods when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouching down behind a tree.
"What big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again, the wolf gets up and runs down the trail.

A short while later, Little Red Riding Hood is again skipping thru the woods, when she sees the Big Bad Wolf hiding behind a bush.
"What big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."

The Wolf says to her, exasperatingly: "Would you knock it off. I'm trying to take a crap!"