Jokes

[d_ford]

In a recent study of American drivers nationwide, it has been determined that 98% say "oh $hit!" when they hit a patch of ice on the road.

The other 2% are from Ohio and say "hold my beer and watch this $hit!"

[cobra de capell]

Stuttering Problems


A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"
_____

Q. How many animals can you get in a pair of panty hose?

A. 2 calves. An ass. A beaver. A whole bunch of hares and a fish nobody can find.

_____

[cobra de capell]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do."
_____

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.






And for those of you who thought it would be naughty, I'll pray for you!

[cobra de capell]

Psalm 2008-2012


First Book Of Democrat


Obama Is My Shepherd, I Shall Not Want.

He Leadeth Me Beside Still Factories

He Restoreth My Faith In The Republican Party.

He Guideth Me In The Path Of Unemployment

Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Bread Line, I Shall Not Go Hungry.

Obama Has Anointed My Income With Taxes,

My Expenses Runneth Over My Income,

Surely, Poverty And Hard Living Will Follow Me All The Days Of My Life.

The Democrats And I Will Live Forever In A Rented Home.

But I Am Glad I Am An American,

I Am Glad That I Am Free.

But I Wish I Was A Dog,

And Obama Was A Tree.

[cobra de capell]

Losing all your friends:
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

Brother wanted :
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,' send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

Confident vs. Confidential:
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '


Anger Management? :
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush '

[cobra de capell]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'The y're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his poc kets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
____

A potential problem with our money.

[cobra de capell]

Here’s The List for 2008, the top ten funniest political quotes of 2008.

10. Mike Huckabee, on what squirrel tastes like:

“It tastes like squirrel.”

9. John Edwards on cheating on Elizabeth Edwards:

“Can I explain to you what happened? First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer.”

8. Nancy Pelosi:

“I have always loved longitude. I love latitude; it’s in the stars. But longitude, it’s about time. … Time and clocks and all the rest of that have always been a fascination for me.”

7. President Bush, meeting with President Arroyo of the Philippines:

“I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the — of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House.”

6. Barack Obama:

“Can you imagine if you had your Social Security invested in the stock market these last two weeks? These last two months? You wouldn’t need Social Security. You’d be having a – you know like, what was it. ‘Sanford and Son,’ ‘I’m coming Weezie.’ It ain’t right.”

5. A tie …

Joe Biden, at an Ocala, FL, ice cream shop:

“Look at this! Man, this is a dangerous place. Holy mackerel! I’m an ice cream guy. Is ice cream down that way? Could I get a sugar cone and chocolate chip? … I’m getting plain old chocolate chip. That’s plenty, God love ya.”

And Joe Biden, hearing testimony from Gen. David Petraeus:

PETRAEUS: Senator, the vice president was in Iraq just a couple weeks after that, and he also had a very warm reception.
BIDEN: Did he get kissed? Get a kiss?
PETRAEUS: I believe he did get kissed when he was there.
BIDEN: I just want to know whether he got kissed, that’s all.

4. John McCain:

“We should be able to deliver bottled hot water to dehydrated babies.”

3. Sarah Palin, being interviewed by Katie Couric:

COURIC: And when it comes to establishing your worldview, I was curious, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read before you were tapped for this to stay informed and to understand the world?

PALIN: I’ve read most of them, again with a great appreciation for the press, for the media.

COURIC: What, specifically?
PALIN: Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me all these years.

2. Chris Matthews:

“It’s part of reporting this case, this election, the feeling most people get when they hear Barack Obama’s speech. My, I felt this thrill going up my leg. I mean, I don’t have that too often.”

1. Bill Clinton:

“The country is groaning and moaning and screaming for change.”

[cobra de capell]

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I'm 96' said the old man.

I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far
enough so that I don't piss on my slippers.

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

FAST SEX !

Dougie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...But she was dating someone else.

One day Dougie got so frustrated that he went to her and said

I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Dougie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[cobra de capell]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'...

[cobra de capell]

Gunslinger & the Old Prospector

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young cocky gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man' s feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around and staggered back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both
barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Have you ever kissed a mule square on his ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed real hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."



The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old guys.

[cobra de capell]

Conversation with Jesus . . .

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"


And he replied: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

Jesus gazed in my direction and said: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it.

"Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

Jesus replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to talk with you some more, Senor', but right now, I must finish cutting your lawn."
_____

Saw a billboard that said:

'Need help, call Jesus.'
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity I did. A Mexican showed up with a tow truck
______

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.

I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.

He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend. So why don't you get yourself a dog."

[cobra de capell]

When a woman wears a leather dress,

A man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and begins to think irrationally.

His senses come alive and triggers go off in his brain which conjure up fantasies and ignite memories and urges he can hardly understand.

His brain is whirling and he can’t put his finger on the exact thing that has set his mind to wandering…

but instinct is infallible and the primal inner man knows exactly what is going on




...she smells just like a new truck ...

[cobra de capell]

You know, from my point of view, I can't figure out if that's Jamo or ComputerWorks on the left, perhaps VRM, Cobrabill or Excaliber

[cobra de capell]

Trip To Wal-mart



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the
lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20’s:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30’s:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40’s:

Stop what you are doing Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50’s:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy’s bait shop and it says, “I Got Worms “.

In your 60’s:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap on your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50’s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70’s:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80’s:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. F**t out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
_____

John Deere Chopper lawn mower......

[cobra de capell]

FUNNY BUT SUPPOSEDLY TRUE

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

AMERICA , THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!!

[cobra de capell]

A father walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father, and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "Divorce Attorney."
_____

A father and his young son were standing in line at the grocery store, and in front of them was a rather large nurse, or as we call them around here "a woman of substance."

Suddenly her pager started to beep.

The son jumped and screamed "Look out dad ... she's backin up!!!"

[Ron61]

Subject: Q & A with AARP

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who
are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to
Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those
wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?


A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they
enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

SMILE, you've still got your sense of humor, right?

[cobra de capell]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
______

Ole has been sick for days and is slowly getting worse. He finally reaches the point that he can't get out of bed on his own any more, and he agrees to let Lena call the doctor.

The doctor comes over and examines Ole then leaves the room and visits with Lena for a while.

Upon returning to the room he explains to Ole that there is nothing he can do, and it is only a matter of time.

Ole begs and pleads for anything to help. He assures the doctor that he will try anything no matter how experimental or extreme.

After listening to Ole for quite some time the doctor says "Well there is one thing ..."

Ole says "Anything ... I'll try anything!"

"Mud baths ... take three mud baths a day."

Ole's eyes brighten and he says he'll do it. "Will they really help?"

Doctor looks at him and says "Don't know ... but it will help you get used to the dirt."
_____

Thought for the day:

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it,
piss on it and walk away.