Jokes

[speed220mph]

What did one former Illinois governor say to another former Illinois
governor?

"The food in this prison was a lot better when you were governor."

[cobra de capell]

IT'S ME, GOD, MONICA...

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

'God.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed.



And just like that... her ears fell off.
____

In a related story, in high school one fellow had ears that stuck way out. They were referred to as "jail house ears."
____

Well I figured its time to make the call,so I dialed the number on the T.V. to J.G. Wentworth and told them "Its my money and I need it now!" So they asked me what structured settlement was it I wanted to cash in on?...Social Security. The bastards hung up!
______

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

[cobra de capell]

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word service. Internal Revenue Service, U.S. Postal Service, Telephone Service, T.V. Service, Civil Service, City & County Public Service, Customer Service, and Service Stations, etc.

What does service mean? Yesterday I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those service agencies are doing for us.
______

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
______

How many Cobra Club members does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light
bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

[Art Burtt]

What ever, it seems like a bright idea

[Dan40]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

How many Cobra Club members does it take to change a light bulb?

So what's the answer?
Did you lose count or what?

Dan

[Doug I]

I think it's 1

[cobra de capell]

How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

…… I'm sorry. What was the question?

[cobra de capell]

MARINE ETIQUETTE
The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field Marine.' He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be 'unfit in quality or quantity').

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field ea ting cold 'C-rats' around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.

During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington , D.C., home of t he Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the ball room where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big-chested, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait. She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'

The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied,' I don't eat that ****, Ma'am.' Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, 'W-W-What did you say?'

The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention'(like the arm of a mousetrap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said, 'I don't eat that ****, Ma'am.' And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. A fter all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her st ation in life), and he had the nerve to say ; ;THAT to HER! She exclaimed, 'Well! I never...!' The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.

'General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?'

General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, 'Well, no Ma'am, I don't.'

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with h er words, and she paused between each word for effect, 'She said, 'I - don't - eat - that - **** - Ma'am!''

The li eutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, 'Hummm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?,' the General asked.

'That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General,' the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.

General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision.

He looked the fancy lady r ight in the eyes and said, 'Well, f*** him! Don't give him any.'


When next you have a drink, raise a toast to the Marines.
God bless them all.
Semper Fi...

[cobra de capell]

Catherine, one of my son's friends when he was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us - and I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give new houses to all the homeless people. Then they would have a place of their own to live'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're Presiden t to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you $15 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and you can give him the $15 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $15 dollars.'



Welcome to the Republican Party!!!

(actually, not a joke)
_______

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding

gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more

appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?

Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite

appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'Oh, he was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'
_____

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: '

'To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1'

'To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2'

'To complain about what we do - Press 3'

'To swear at staff members - Press 4'

'To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5'

'If you want us to raise your child - Press 6'

'If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7'

'To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8'

'To complain about bus transportation - Press 9'

'To complain about school lunches - Press 0'

'If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!'

'If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!'
_____

[cobra de capell]

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts) -- The following
directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval
installations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the
Marines.)

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any
military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery
shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.' [Both English and
Arabic versions]
5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but
some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and
English
versions]
7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon
receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800
Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dummies?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon
receipt.

[cobra de capell]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are always packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'
_____

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers.

The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."

The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."

The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his ass."

The first and second boys where amazed.

The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"

"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."
_____

Marine Corps Rules: (not a joke)
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &
diagonal preferred)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention
to shoot.

[cobra de capell]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks & nbsp; into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


And most of all...............
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
_____

The wife's graveside service had just barely finished, when there
was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of
thunder, shaking the earth like an earthquake, accompanied by more
heavy thunder rumbling in the distance for several minutes.


The husband, a little old man, looked up at the sky, then turned to
the pastor and calmly said "Well, she's there."
_____

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.

[cobra de capell]

I just thought that I'd throw these in......Merry Christmas!

[cobra de capell]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.
____

[cobra de capell]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 22 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend , much like you, who's an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. OUT of pure habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly'.
_____

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for a physical. All his tests come back showing normal results. The doctor said, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight and he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, "POOF"! the light goes on. When I'm finished, "POOF" the light goes off."

Later in the day the doctor called George's wife, Ethel, and said, "George is doing fine, but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he's finished the light goes off?"

"Oh Lord help me! said Ethel, "he's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
_____

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious ,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the f*ckin' sheet rock...'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

[cobra de capell]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC)



Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,

'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'

'Test of Three?'

'That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary...'

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Ron61]

A few days before the young couple was to get married,
the girl accidentally walked in on her husband to be. He
was just climbing out of the shower drying his head with
a towel and didn't see her.
She was unsure of what she had seen, so she went to her
doctor for advice. "Doc," she said, "What is that long
thing between a man's legs?"
"Well, that is called the penis." he said.
"Oh." she said, "Well, what is that big round thing on
the end of the penis?"
"That is called the head of the penis." the doctor said.
"Oh." she said, "Well, what are those big round things
located about thirteen inches back from the head of the
penis?" The doctor said, "Honey, I don't know about your
boyfriend but on me, that is the cheeks of my ass."

[cobra de capell]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s$it out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s$it out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
______

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said,

'Let me see if I've got this right:

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.

'You want me to provide them with an equal education regard less of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you tell me:


I CAN'T PRAY?

[cobra de capell]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
______

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.

And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke: ''Government.''
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A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of
them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

[cobra de capell]

The other day an older couple was sitting at the local steak house enjoying an evening out. As the evening went on the man was having a tough time chewing his steak. As he complained to his wife about his old dentures the couple at the next table overheard and the gentleman reached in his pocket, pulled out a set of teeth and said "try these."

After chewing for a little while he commented they were a little loose. The gentleman reached in his other pocket, took out another set and exchanged.

After another piece of steak the man said these are better, but just a tad tight. The gentleman reached in his breast pocket and produced a third set.

After a bite of steak, then another and yet another the old man grinned and said these are perfect!

The couples continued their meals and evenings side by side without any more exchange. As the gentleman and his wife got up to leave the elderly lady thanked him profusely for the help and inquired "Are you a dentist?" "No" came the reply "A funeral director."
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one.
_____

A man, seeking to join the police department, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says: "Your qualifications are good, but there is an attitude test that you must pass before you can join."

Sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol - go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six child molesters and a rabbit."

"...Why the rabbit?"

"GREAT attitude," says the Inspector, "You passed! When can you start?"
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