Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Probably a repeat, but worth considering again......

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Bra d Pitt I would sleep with him in a heart beat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo."
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With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1 -- You believe in Santa Claus.
2 -- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3 -- You are Santa Claus.
4 -- You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4, success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is . . . having friends.
At age 17, success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 35, success is . . . having money.
At age 50, success is . . . having money.
At age 70, success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is . . . having friends.
At age 80, success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

[cobra de capell]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to
be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this wil l just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
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THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE TO HELP WOMEN BETTER UNDERSTAND MEN.... AND FOR ALL YOU MEN WHO KNOW CAN REST EASY BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU ARE UNDERSTOOD.
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Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
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FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT


OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT

YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE, I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.

OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,

MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.

THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER IN A RENTED HOME.

BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,

I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.

BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG,

AND OBAMA WAS A TREE.
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[cobra de capell]

I was visiting the eye doctor the other day and found that they have found a new way to be cruel to old guys ...

[cobra de capell]

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.




Many believed this day would never come, but in a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers.
A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Today, I thank the Lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

Who is this man, you ask? See below.

[Baz]

A vulture boards an aircraft carrying two dead racoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

I'LL KEEP GOING WHILE I'M HOT.

Two eskimos sitting in their kayak were feeling a bit chilly so they lit a fire in the bottom of the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes. I'm positive."

A group of chess enthusiasts who are checked into a hotel are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?' they asked as they moved off. "Because", the manager replied, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (MAN THIS IS SO BAD, ITS GOOD) a super, calloused, fragile, mystic, hexed by halitosis.

Evidence has found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss League records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire so we will never know for whom the Tells bowled.

That's it from 'Down Under' for today.

Happy New Year to all my friends in the U S of A.

Baz.

[Baz]

BY POPULAR REQUEST - ONE MORE.

Old Jimmy is 96 and resides in a Nursing Home. Everyday after lunch, he wanders down the back garden and sits on the same bench under this big old tree and stays there for about four hours. This has been going on for years. One day Old Mary spots Jimmy sitting there and sits down alongside him. "I've seen you sitting here, every afternoon for years Jimmy. What do you think about?" she asks. Jimmy replies," I sit here and think about my younger days. I was a horny young bloke you know. Very popular with the ladies I was. I just loved sex." Mary says,"You wouldn't be much good at it now Jim." Jim responded, "No Mary. I couldn't get it up, even if my life depended on it." Mary said,"Is there anything I can do to help you out Jim?" He replies, "Well Mary. You could hold onto my old fella for me." Mary says,"I can do that for you Jim." For the next few months, Mary would go down and join Jim on the bench under the big old tree and hold onto his 'Old Fella." One day, Jim didn't turn up. Mary went looking for him and found him in the Nursing Home Spa with old Lucy. "You two timing old bugger Jim, "Mary yelled. "What's she got that I haven't got. Tell me that?" Jimmy replied, "Parkinsons."

[cobra de capell]

Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Hoping that it would change is quite enough.

Q: How many autoworkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 17 at GM, Ford and Chrysler; 1 at Honda, Hyundai and Toyota.

Q: How many Chicago pols does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: F--- you, what am I gettin' outta this?

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's burnt out on the Republican side, so we're not changing it.

Q: How many MSM journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No need, Obama is the Light.


Q: How many Congresspersons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, but they'll allocate a few billion to achieve change under the Obama Stimulus Bill.

Q: How many Daily Kos bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It was Bush's fault the bulb burned out; it'll get fixed by itself when he leaves office.

Q: How many Minnesota Canvassing Board members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends. They'll only change it if it looks like a vote for Coleman.

Q: How many Oprah Winfrey fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The bulb's not so light these days.

Q: How many Cubans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There have been no lightbulbs since the USSR collapsed.

Q: How many North Koreans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What's a lightbulb?

Q: How many Hollywood celebrities does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six to make movies about evil lightbulb companies, twelve to lecture about the unequal distribution of light on late night talk shows and nine to get caught with drugs hidden in cartons of lightbulbs.

Q: How many Obama appointees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: His team is currently in the process of finding someone from the Clinton Administration who knows how.

Q: How many Caroline Kennedys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: She's never thought about it but now that you mention it, she'd love for someone to change it for her.

Actual answer.....from her....
I've never, you know, thought about it but, you know, now that you, you know, mention it, you know, I'd love for someone to, you know, change it for me, you know.

Q: How many President Elect Obamas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The bulb is a lot more burnt out than we thought. Clearly, the bulb has deteriorated. It might not be changed as quickly as we would like.

Q: “How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?”
A: “Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to drink until the room spins around.”

Q:How many union electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five...you gotta problem with that, buddy?

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fish.

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Let's go ride our bikes!

Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Excuse me. Light bulbs are just another part of the soulless industrial society we should be moving away from in our mission to save Mother earth from warming. Obama's brother doesn't need no stinking light bulb and neither should we.

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Q: What do you call a “progressive” who wants a strong centralized government that controls the economy?
A: A "re-gressive." We already had the type of government under King George and some rowdy colonialist revolted. (not a joke)
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[cobra de capell]

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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I got fed up with my female relations during my late teens. Every time we met at a wedding, all the aunts and grandmothers would poke me in the ribs, while cackling "You're next!"

They soon stopped when I started doing the same back - at funerals.....
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A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.

"Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?"

The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off.

Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"