Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A vetern went in to apply for a govt job...

Boss..Well your a vet and that gives you some points, were you wounded?

Vet...Yes, I had my nads blown off by an IED.

Boss...Well that gives you some more points. Do you have any alergies?

Vet...Yes, I'm alergic to coffee.

Boss...Well that gives you enough points, you're hired. You start tomorrow, come in at 10 am.

Vet...I thought the work day started at 8 am.

Boss...It does but this is a govt job and for the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratchin' our nads, no need for you to be here.
_____

Four Perfect Animals!

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.

My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "Oh really, what kind of animals did you want?"

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."

[cobra de capell]

Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it.

Joe drives to Obama's house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it's clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year. Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.

Obama asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe immediately says, '$9,500.'

'$9,500?' Obama asks, stunned. 'But you said it's an easy repair!'

'Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free,' explains Joe. 'It's always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business this way. It's known as 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act of 2008.' Surprised you haven't heard of it, senator.'

In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves.
Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing. The leak under Obama's sink goes unrepaired for the next several days.

A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return. Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, and says 'Let's see, this will cost you about $21,000.'

'A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!' Obama quickly fires back.

Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. 'Well, because of the 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act,' a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer of you paying for all the free plumbing I'm doing for the people who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to charge my wealthy paying customers rises every day. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed, and there's a long waiting list of those who need repairs. This has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they won't make any money. I'm hurting now too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their fair share.'

Obama tries to straighten out the plumber: 'Of course you're hurting, Joe! Don't you get it? If all the rich people learn how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poorer people for your services, you'll be broke, and then what will you do?'

Joe immediately replies, 'Run for president, apparently.'

[Ron61]

Good one Ray. And a lot of truth to it sadly.

Ron

[cobra de capell]

(Washington, D.C., 1/8/09) In a statement to be released tomorrow, the incoming administration of President-Elect Barack Obama has promised government intervention in the worldwide web by the creation of a U.S. mandated operating system to be named “Barix 1.0" which will, by government decree, replace Windows, MAC and Linux among a few, plus a plethora of browsers such as Firefox and Internet Explorer."

“The esteemed, highly decorated and patriotic Senator Kerry once said, “You can’t professionalize unless you federalize” when talking about the creation of the TSA. The creation of this professionally prepared, foolproof government created operating system will be as efficiently handled as other government programs. We expect it to be rolled out on schedule in 2010, and hopefully under the $712.8B budget currently being allocated.”

“The free market and privately/publicly owned companies have failed miserably to limit unacceptable content. Access on Barix 1.0 will be granted to mainstream sites such as ABC.com, CBS.com, MSNBC.com, the HuffPo and DU, but in order to visit sites of questionable origin such as FOX, Drudge, Rush, Boortz and so on, permission will be required from the government. A simple request form of only 127 pages of single spaced questions (plus additional blank pages to explain some answers), plus your addition into a government database, plus a complete background check and access to your financial records will enhance, though not guarantee, the slim chance you’ll be able to read these sites, provided they’re still online once we complete the purge.”

Developing..
_____

YOU GOT TO LOVE THE LAW

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin ' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
____

Wus DA night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru DA hood, everybody be sleepin' and DA sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck, dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of DA family, was ly'in on the flow, my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be DA law".

I pulled the sheet off DA windoe and what I'ze could see, I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrant of me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat". Dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of DA years, Santy Claws he be white, but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.

Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came, and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who, On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in DA street, I knowed it of sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked DA lock on my doe, an I sez to myself, "Son O *****...he don did dis befoe"!

He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck? Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my ****. He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out DA windoe he flew, I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch, and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a *****".

So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git, 'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a **** !!!!

[Baz]

There were three Indian Sqaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the thrid slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one that slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the sqaw of the hippoptamus is equal to the sons of the sqaws of the other two hides.

[Baz]

A vulture boards an aircraft carrying two dead racoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

I'LL KEEP GOING WHILE I'M HOT.

Two eskimos sitting in their kayak were feeling a bit chilly so they lit a fire in the bottom of the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes. I'm positive."

A group of chess enthusiasts who are checked into a hotel are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?' they asked as they moved off. "Because", the manager replied, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (MAN THIS IS SO BAD, ITS GOOD) a super, calloused, fragile, mystic, hexed by halitosis.

Evidence has found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss League records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire so we will never know for whom the Tells bowled.

That's it from 'Down Under' for today.

Happy New Year to all my friends in the U S of A.

Baz.

[Baz]

BY POPULAR REQUEST - ONE MORE.

Old Jimmy is 96 and resides in a Nursing Home. Everyday after lunch, he wanders down the back garden and sits on the same bench under this big old tree and stays there for about four hours. This has been going on for years. One day Old Mary spots Jimmy sitting there and sits down alongside him. "I've seen you sitting here, every afternoon for years Jimmy. What do you think about?" she asks. Jimmy replies," I sit here and think about my younger days. I was a horny young bloke you know. Very popular with the ladies I was. I just loved sex." Mary says,"You wouldn't be much good at it now Jim." Jim responded, "No Mary. I couldn't get it up, even if my life depended on it." Mary said,"Is there anything I can do to help you out Jim?" He replies, "Well Mary. You could hold onto my old fella for me." Mary says,"I can do that for you Jim." For the next few months, Mary would go down and join Jim on the bench under the big old tree and hold onto his 'Old Fella." One day, Jim didn't turn up. Mary went looking for him and found him in the Nursing Home Spa with old Lucy. "You two timing old bugger Jim, "Mary yelled. "What's she got that I haven't got. Tell me that?" Jimmy replied, "Parkinsons."

[cobra de capell]

Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Hoping that it would change is quite enough.

Q: How many autoworkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 17 at GM, Ford and Chrysler; 1 at Honda, Hyundai and Toyota.

Q: How many Chicago pols does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: F--- you, what am I gettin' outta this?

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's burnt out on the Republican side, so we're not changing it.

Q: How many MSM journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No need, Obama is the Light.


Q: How many Congresspersons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, but they'll allocate a few billion to achieve change under the Obama Stimulus Bill.

Q: How many Daily Kos bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It was Bush's fault the bulb burned out; it'll get fixed by itself when he leaves office.

Q: How many Minnesota Canvassing Board members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends. They'll only change it if it looks like a vote for Coleman.

Q: How many Oprah Winfrey fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The bulb's not so light these days.

Q: How many Cubans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There have been no lightbulbs since the USSR collapsed.

Q: How many North Koreans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What's a lightbulb?

Q: How many Hollywood celebrities does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six to make movies about evil lightbulb companies, twelve to lecture about the unequal distribution of light on late night talk shows and nine to get caught with drugs hidden in cartons of lightbulbs.

Q: How many Obama appointees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: His team is currently in the process of finding someone from the Clinton Administration who knows how.

Q: How many Caroline Kennedys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: She's never thought about it but now that you mention it, she'd love for someone to change it for her.

Actual answer.....from her....
I've never, you know, thought about it but, you know, now that you, you know, mention it, you know, I'd love for someone to, you know, change it for me, you know.

Q: How many President Elect Obamas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The bulb is a lot more burnt out than we thought. Clearly, the bulb has deteriorated. It might not be changed as quickly as we would like.

Q: “How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?”
A: “Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to drink until the room spins around.”

Q:How many union electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five...you gotta problem with that, buddy?

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fish.

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Let's go ride our bikes!

Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Excuse me. Light bulbs are just another part of the soulless industrial society we should be moving away from in our mission to save Mother earth from warming. Obama's brother doesn't need no stinking light bulb and neither should we.

___

Q: What do you call a “progressive” who wants a strong centralized government that controls the economy?
A: A "re-gressive." We already had the type of government under King George and some rowdy colonialist revolted. (not a joke)
____

[cobra de capell]

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
____

I got fed up with my female relations during my late teens. Every time we met at a wedding, all the aunts and grandmothers would poke me in the ribs, while cackling "You're next!"

They soon stopped when I started doing the same back - at funerals.....
_____

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.

"Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?"

The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off.

Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

[dave from mesa]

Omer and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?

Omer replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Meeshigan, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer da chance ta varm up a little bit ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Meeshigan, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is inabject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at in Meeshigan, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with Omer and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'


They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Lions yust von da Super Bowl.'

[cobra de capell]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After 75 lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi."

[cobra de capell]

Top 10 Final Acts of Bush Presidency

10. Asked Bill Clinton to remove all O’s from White House keyboards and replace them with 0’s.

9. Announced that Laura has taken sweet job with University of Chicago Hospital for $300k salary.

8. Punk’d Osama bin Laden with fake pardon.

7. In keeping with Obama’s Lincoln theme, had US Mint deliver $350 billion for TARP funds to White House in pennies.

6. Had Scott McClellan taken to GITMO and paraded around with Saddam’s old underwear on his head.

5. Ordered Al Gore to shovel snow from White House driveway.

4. Invited Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi over to White House but wouldn’t answer door when they knocked.

3. Replaced all mattresses in White House with Tempur-Pedic memory foam to reduce beverage spills from Obama’s future Hollywood guests jumping on beds.

2. Blocked Oprah’s phone number on White House phone system.

1. Resigned and had **** Cheney sworn in as 44th President leaving no time for Obama to print new invitations.

[cobra de capell]

(Washington, D.C. 1/15/09) President-Elect Barack Obama today made a short statement which he says proves his family is making an effort to “have some skin in the game” by moving out of a private hotel in the D.C. area and making the move to public housing.

“As I said last Sunday in my interview with George Stephanopolous, I think it’s vitally important that everyone in American “have some skin in the game” and be willing to make sacrifices. That includes us.”

“Our move to Washington, D.C. public housing is a sacrifice for us that will show normal, everyday Americans that public housing in D.C. is safe and secure. We need to get the message out to those in need that they shouldn’t be embarrassed to move into public housing, after all, we are at the Blair House Housing Project and we feel perfectly safe.”

“We will be moving to another public housing development across the street, but have to wait for the current tenant to move out. Their lease expires on January, 20.”

Developing..
_____

Also......

(Washington, D.C. 1/14/09) In a short press release issued today, Barack Obama announced his intention to create a new office to deal with detainees claims of unspecified torture which occurred during their stay in various camps throughout the world.

“It is my intention to create a special department comprised of bi-partisan participants to seriously look into, consider and act on claims of torture by persons currently being detained on charges of terrorism. It will be called the Independent Department Investigating Overt Torture Scenarios. This bi-partisan Office of IDIOTS will be comprised of individuals with the intelligence level required to work in this office while they look into claims of torture.”

“It will be the Office of IDIOTS who hold hearings on the matter, ensuring fair treatment for detainees. It will be IDIOTS who will determine levels of compensation for detainees deemed to be innocent of all charges and finally it will be IDIOTS who will ultimately determine who should be released. Among those names I’m considering to lead the IDIOTS are Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein who have both demonstrated the intelligence level necessary to be successful.”

Developing..

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my bazooka on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. man I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his legs and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the darn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's mentally challenged. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE plow driver is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his bazooka. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
_____

OLDER WOMEN





I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself

thinking that she probably had a really hot
daughter.





We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she

asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?



'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and

daughter threesome,' she said.




As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what

this daughter of hers might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink,

'Tonight's your lucky night.



We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:









'Mom, you still awake

[cobra de capell]

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
______

(not a joke)

The Mustang Ranch and $750 billion bail-out

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and 850+ Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

Now if that don't make you nervous, what does???
_____

Deer Meat


A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole...'

[Scott S]

One old Marine veteran asked the Commandant to return him to active duty and send him to Iraq. the Commandant refused. So he wrote the Secretary of the Navy with the same request. Secnav replied that because Iraq was a young Marine's war, there was no place for him. So he wrote his congressman a long, heart wrenching letter. Back came the reply, almost word for word the same as the SecNav response.

He was livid and, bought a rowboat, and started rowing to get to Iraq, singing the Marine Hymn..."From the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli " ........... and off he rowed for Iraq.

Saint Peter had been watching and had grown concerned by his commitment to his objective. Saint Peter finally turned to God for advice.

God advised,be merciful and take his brain, and he will simply abandon the idea about getting to Iraq.

St. Peter observed little if any change in behavior. He continued to row his boat and sing : "From the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli , we will ".......

St. Peter turned again to his God and asked, "Now what?"

God said, " take his heart, that should end it."

St. Peter was again amazed that little if any change could be observed as he continued to row his boat and sing: " We will fight our country's battles...." at-the-top-of-his-voice.

St. Peter asked God for assistance. God responded by suggesting remove the Marine's testicles, since it's a well known fact that Marines can't function without their testicles. Otherwise, what would be the reason for Marines having the world wide reputation of having the balls to do the impossible?

St. Peter then observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle..... singing:

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..........

[cobra de capell]

Q. Why did George Bush declare a state of emergency for Barack Obama's inauguration?
A. Because everyone knows it's a national disaster.



Q. What's an example of irony?
A. Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to sing "Born in the USA" at Barack Obama's inauguration.

Chief Justice Roberts: Knock, knock.
Barack Obama: Who's there?
Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya.
Barack Obama: Kenya who?
Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya show me your birth certificate before you're sworn in?

Barack Obama: Knock, knock.
Taxpayers at the inauguration: Who's there?
Barack Obama: Eff.
Taxpayers at the inauguration: Eff who?
Barack Obama: Eff you.

Q. Why will there two presidential limousines for the inauguration?

A. So Hillary won’t know which one he’s in.

Q. What is the difference between Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter?

A. Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to ruin the economy.

Q. Why did the Secret Service double security on Michelle Obama immediately after the inauguration?

A. If something happened to her, then Barack would be in charge.

Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Obama?

Because he didn’t want to be the worst President in American History.

A 6th grade teacher asked her class “How many of you are Obama fans?” Half the class were, but another fourth didn’t know what and Obama fan was, and the other fourth, all exect one, didn’t really care. So, just to be on the good side of the teacher, the two fourths of the class raised their hands, and of course, the one half also raised their hands.
There sat young Michael, sadly, the only one who didn’t have his hand raised. The teacher asked him, “so Michael, why aren’t you an Obama fan?”
Michael said “My parents are Republicans, my brother who’s in college is a Republican, so I am a republican.” Peeved by the answer, the teacher asked, “so if your parents were idiots and your brother was a moron, what would that make you?”
Michael said “An Obama fan.”

A winner....

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average Obama voter.”

[cobra de capell]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those Bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

[cobra de capell]

Q. Why will Obama hold a séance once he's in the White House?
A. So that he can thank everybody who voted for him.

President elect Obama has arranged for his first meeting with foreign leaders from other countries to demonstrate his foreign policy expertise. It's scheduled to run for five minutes.

Q. What will America's national bird be when Obama takes office? A. His middle finger.

Obama's staff is preparing for his first press conference as President. They're busy writing the questions.

Q. What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx?
A. Nobody knows.

Unlike former Presidents, Obama is not a member of the NRA, National Rifle Association. He's joined William Ayers organization instead. The NBA, the National Bombers Association.

Q. Why did the Secret Service install lightning rods at the White House?
A. To protect President Obama as he took his Oath of Office.

As President, Obama intends to run the country's finances just like he ran his household finances. He's got a book of blank checks

Q. Why will Obama ride in the back of a Presidential limousine?
A. The Vatican wouldn't sell him a Pope-Mobile.

Q. Why will President Obama get a new puppy for the White House?
A. Joe Biden is getting on in years.

Q. What’s black and blue and dead all over?
A. Anyone who dares to tell a joke about President Obama in public.

Q. What do SIMBA and OBAMA have in common?
A. They're both cartoons.

Q. Why will President Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?
A. He doesn't want any bushes at the White House.

Q. What will President Obama replace the rose bushes with?
A. Opium poppies.