Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard

rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

‘But we didn't use them,’ the man complains. ‘Well, they are here, and you could have,’ Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. ‘The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,’ the Manager says.

‘But we didn't go to any of those shows, ‘complains the man again.

‘Well, we have them, and you could have,’ the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, ‘But we didn't use it!’

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. ‘But sir,’ he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.’

‘That's correct,’ says the man. ‘I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.’

‘But I didn't!’ exclaims the Manager.

‘Well, too bad,’ the man replies. ‘She was here and you could have.’
____

BEST IDEA I HAVE HEARD IN LONG, LONG TIME!!!

Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
_____

Scene: Waiting room at hospital.
Doctor: Well, Mr. Greboflatz, there is good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have previously unknown condition. It is rapidly progressing and progressively debilitating. You'll be gone in just a few weeks. I'm afraid there's nothing we can do — we've never seen this disease before. Nobody has ever seen this before.

Patient: Wh-what’s the good news?

Doctor: We're naming it after you!
____

Judy is confiding to a friend, "I fall in love really quickly and this
scares guys away. I'm like, 'I'm in love with you, I want to marry you,
I want to move in with you! I want to bear your kids!'

They usually reply with such unromantic stuff like, 'Ma'am, just give me
the ten bucks for the pizza and I'm outta here.'"

[cobra de capell]

3 DEAD BODIES

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning. "

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."
____

NASCAR NEWS... Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew!!


This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Vocabulary Word for the Day


LIQUIDITY

Definition:

Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!
_____

Q) What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?


A) One of them shucks between fits.
____

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and$100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
______

Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes that's 80 million).
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI.

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers, for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

[cobra de capell]

YOU MIGHT BE A RACER IF ...

You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.

You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.

You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.

When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.

Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.

You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.

You bought a race car before buying a house.

You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.

You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!

The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Deaf neighbors.
6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home.

You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

You have enough spare parts to build another car.

More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.

You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!"

People know you by your class, car number, and car color.

You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.

Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you.

A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."

You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.

You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.

You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.

You save broken car parts as "momentous".

You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).

The local police and state highway patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.

Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.

You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.

After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why...is there a race there?"

You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.

You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.

You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken.

You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number.

You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit.

You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it.

You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes.

Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane's eyes out.

You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it.

You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation.
_____

YOU MIGHT RACE A BUICK IF ...

*Race prepping your car means turning off the ac.
*You have a "Big is Beautiful" license plate holder.
*You have safety harnesses instead of seat belts for five occupants.
*You only have to be careful of traffic AHEAD of you when you merge onto the Interstate
*Your race car has never been on a trailer.
*You think anything less than a 455 is a small block.
*You won't race motorcycles beacuse it isn't fair . . . to them!
*You've ever had to take a different route because of bridge weight limits.
*You plan road trips from gas station to gas station.
*Your wife's car runs 12s.
*You painted your riding lawnmower black and turbocharged it.
*You think 5000 pound cars and stationwagons are great dragstrip material.
*The wrecker service calls you when they get their rigs stuck.
*You have heard the phrase "That's a Buick!? from more than 5 punk kids in Daddy's 'Vette after you shut them down.
*You have sucked so many bumpers off other cars, your car is nicknamed "The Hoover."
*18 wheelers yield to you.
*You can fit a month of groceries in your trunk and still run 12s.
*You've ever been pulled over for failing to stop at a weigh station.
*Your car has more towing capacity than a one ton duelie.
*You think every race car should have ac and power windows.
*You get signed thank you cards from the presidents of Phillips 66 and Texaco at Christmas.
*You think every four door should have a cam, headers and slicks and runs 12s.
*The phrase "231? Is that all?" and "That ain't no V6!" make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.
*You've said "No, it's not an SS" more than 3 times this week.
*You've never seen the tail lights of a Mustang GT.
*Your friend's 5.0 'Stang runs 13s by being towed behind your car.
*The local Mustang guys are claiming they've been abused because your car spanks them so bad.
*You've raced your daily driver against a tube frame, blown, nitroused big block powered 'Stang . . . and won.

[Fred Douglass]

A: The barbed wire pricks the steer!

[Goober]

Best one I've heard lately

We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[cobra de capell]

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO MUCH HORSEPOWER IF ...

1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
31. Young children cling to their mommies in fear when you round the corner.
32. Birds fall out of their nests from the rumble of your 5" dual exhaust.
33. All the major Tire makers are sending you free slicks in hopes of endorsment deal.
34. The UPS guy took to taking Steroids so he could keep up with your shipments.
35. The Fed Ex guy had a nervous breakdown.
36. All the wildlife within a 800ft radius around your house got the HELLOUT.
37. The nearest Geological Seismic Surveying Station Operator knows your address by heart.
38. A booming voice greets potential passengers with, "That's right ....you paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the EDGE.
39. The earth slows in rotation when you hook up on your new slicks and head east.
40. You have to screw your slicks to the wheels.
41. Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline.
42. Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.
43. Your compression's high enough you could run diesel fuel.
44. The sparks from your wheelie bars start grass fires on the side of the road.
45. Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.
46. You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile."

With that said, there is no such thing as to much horsepower.
_____

Top Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car


10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
_____

Top Ten Signs of a SUV Poseur


10. Thinks off-roading is going up his driveway.
9. Pays $30,000+ for a station wagon on a 4x4 pickup truck frame.
8. Thinks "roughing it" is camping at a KOA campground.
7. Dreams he is nearing the peak of a remote mountain whenever he drives over a speed bump.
6. Has sudden urges to follow other SUVs that are driving off steep cliffs.
5. Has a cell-phone in his SUV.
4.Orders an SUV with leather interior (bonus points for white leather).
3. Drives his SUV to the MALL.
2. Shifts into four-wheel-drive whenever the potholes in the city get too big.
1. Tells his friends that he has been off-roading when in fact he just drove down a gravel road.
_____

What a Car Really Says About Its Owner


Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX- I am impotent
Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart-I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny
Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse-I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6-I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)
Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18- wheeler
MGB- I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante- I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....
Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife
_____

Classified Ad Translator


Here is a guide to help you decode the real truth behind those classified car ads.

"What the ad says" - "What it actually means."


Must sell - Before it blows up.

Many new parts - I'm sick of dumping money into this broken down heap.

Appraised at $29,000 - By me.

Frame-off Restoration - The body actually rusted right off the frame.

Needs Front-End Alignment - Some serious frame-straightening wouldn't hurt either.

Same Owner For Last 20 Years - I'd never dream of selling it unless it was as bad as it is.

Must See To Appreciate - It's a scientific mystery as to how a car with bad valves, a cracked block, and no bands left in the transmission can still get to the end of the driveway and back.

Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.

Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.

All Original - Except for the tunnel ram intake, Pro Stock hoodscoop, KMart sunroof, fender flares by Bondo, Krylon paint job, hurky air shocks, mohair upholstery, Pep Boy stereo, and pawn shop wheels.

Ready To Restore - After 8 years of abuse on the drag strip and 20 years in a yield exposed to the elements, it is ready to be restored.

Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring boxes!

Minor Rust - Don't sit down!

Minor Rust - Major rust you can’t see.

Minor Rust - I though I had it all covered with bondo, but you can still see some rust.

Low Mileage - Only 170,000.

Faster than a 'Vette - A Chevette.

Convertible - After driving under truck.

Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.

Third Owner - To see the light and get rid of this piece of junk.

Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.

Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.

California Car - And has been since it arrived from Cleveland three weeks ago.

Numbers-Matching - The price in my ad matches the number of dollars I'd like to get for it.

Original Hemi Engine - Just installed it last week.

Authentic - To bad the VIN doesn't match up.

Fast - Compared to a Geo Metro.

Looks Great - In dim light.

Always Garaged - That's because it would never run long enough for me to get it out of the garage.

Needs Paint - To cover rust.

New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.

Solid as a rock - Rusted solid

Clean - I will vacuum up the 6 month old French Fries 10 minutes before you see the car.

Over $20,000 Invested - And that was just to get it to run.

Restored, With 0 Miles - Won't start.

Restored, With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.

Older Restoration - First owner washed it.

One Owner - I couldn't even give it away.

Fully Loaded - Seller is too.

All Options - 8-track player.

95% Complete - Can't find the other 5%.

95% Complete - Everything except the engine.

Low Miles - Ever since the odometer was turned back.

Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.

Rare Model - One of only 500,000 made.

Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.

Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.

Must Sell - Need bail money.

Must Sell - My wife just bought new furniture; again.

Sure to Appreciate - Yeah, that's why I'm selling it.

Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.

Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.

Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.

Clean - Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.

Runs fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.

Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.

Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.

Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.

Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.

Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.

4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.

Engine Blueprinted - I don't know what that means either.

Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will the car.

Needs some body work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.

New Tires - Retreads years ago.

Or Best Offer - I'm guessing at the price here.

Well Maintained - I occasionally changed the oil.

Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.

Drives Like a Dream - A nightmare.

No Time To Restore It - Can't find the parts.

Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.

Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.

Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.

Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.

Car Cover - To help keep out rats.

Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.

Looks like new - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.

Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.

Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.

Restoration Started - The rest of the car has been in boxes since 1992.

Fully Restored - Nothing original.

All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

Desireable Classic - No one wants it.

Rare Classic - No one wanted it, even when it was new.

Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.

Ran When Stored - But doesn't start now.

Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.

Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.

Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.

Excellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.

Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it, and I doubt you will either.

Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.

No Disappointments - Once you hand me the cash, I promise I won't be disappointed.

Loaded with Options - None of them work.

Loaded with Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.

Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.

Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.

Drive It Away - I live on a hill.

Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.

Rare Option - Because the factory never offered it.

Motivated Seller - Motivated to get the hell out of town.

Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.

Engine Quite - Uses 90-weight oil.

Parts Car - Beyond repair.

Immaculate - Recently washed.

Concours Condition - Recently waxed.

95 Point Car - You think that is impressive, you should see the points on my driving record.

Show Winner - Once got third place in the 1983 Eastern Iowa Star Trek Convention - but that was before the rust got really bad.

Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"