Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of calls.....

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
(On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''20(OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a20tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' 11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many time s and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I' ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I 'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!
_____

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN SHE'S REALLY PISSED?

[cobra de capell]

Not sure if you all heard... Denny's is now offering a new special to raise money for OctoMom. With this special you get: 8 eggs, no sausage & the guy next to you pays for it.

[cobra de capell]

Q: What do you call a building full of Obama supporters?
A: Federal Prison!

Q: What's black & white and red all over?
A: Barack Hussein Obama!

George Clooney the famous actor and foreign policy expert in the Obama Administration was giving the president a briefing on Darfour. He concluded by saying: 'Yesterday, 3 Brazilian missionaries were killed'. 'OH NO!' the President exclaims. 'That's terrible!'

His staff are stunned at this display of emotion, they watch nervously as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, 'How many is a brazillion?'
_____

"Darwin Awards"

Without further ado, here are the 2008 Darwin Awards.

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man was stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.


Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their
hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.


Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.


Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. Paramedics pronounced the robber dead at the scene. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the
shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt. (I think this is one of those "Only in America" ones.)


HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently, they failed to notice the window was closed.


RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.

Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge.

His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.


AND THE WINNER IS ...

Zookeeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany), fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves "Crap happens."

[Ron61]

This comes from a search-and-rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base, Bagotville, Québec. It allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

First Voice (helicopter pilot):
"Roger, I'm holding at 3,000 over the beacon."

Second Voice (panicky):
"No, you can't be doing that - I'm holding at 3,000 over that beacon!"

[Brief pause.]



First Voice (again):
"You idiot - you're my co-pilot."

[cobra de capell]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
_____

The IRS Genie...

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

********POOF******

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.

*******POOF*******

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

******POOF******

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[cobra de capell]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

'The second , from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

'The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order

'The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

'But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Liberals are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart , no balls, no brains and no spine , and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
_____



Who will help me plant my wheat?” asked the little red hen.

“Not I,” said the cow.

“Not I,” said the duck.

“Not I,” said the pig.

“Not I,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” She planted her crop, and the wheat grew and ripened.

“Who will help me reap my wheat?” asked the little red hen.

“Not I,” said the duck..

“Out of my classification,” said the pig.

“I’d lose my seniority,” said the cow.

“I’d lose my unemployment compensation,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen, and so she did.

“Who will help me bake the bread?” asked the little red hen.

“That would be overtime for me,” said the cow.

“I’d lose my welfare benefits,” said the duck.

“I’m a dropout and never learned how,” said the pig.

“If I’m to be the only helper, that’s discrimination,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, “No, I shall eat all five loaves.”

“Excess profits!” cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

“Capitalist leech!” screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

“I demand equal rights!” yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted ‘Unfair!’ picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, “You must not be so greedy.”

“But I earned the bread,” said the little red hen.

“Exactly,” said Barack the farmer. “That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.”

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, “I am grateful, for now I truly understand.”

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the ‘party’ and got her bread free And all the Democrats smiled. ‘Fairness’ had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that ‘the rich’ were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That’s $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that t hey couldn’t remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT

[cobra de capell]

What it "REALLY" really means...

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake?"

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

[cobra de capell]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Then there were the two kayakers who got caught out in a suprise winter storm. They tried to start a fire in the boats to keep warm.....

They soon learned you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
_____

Why specifications live forever:

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So, who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
____

Not really a joke but pretty funny anyway:

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be....
Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it-hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof - hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way -hence, a "thresh hold."

[Fred Douglass]

.......re "wood underneath"..........they did have RAFTERS and, running 90 degrees to them (or lengthwise), they had PURLINS (which are rare nowadays). The straw would not have defied gravity without these structures.

Chow(dah),

[Dan40]

Originally Posted by Fred Douglass

.......re "wood underneath"..........they did have RAFTERS and, running 90 degrees to them (or lengthwise), they had PURLINS (which are rare nowadays). The straw would not have defied gravity without these structures.

Chow(dah),

Since suffering hurricane damage, my house and many many more in Florida now have the modern version of "Purlins. Commonly called "Rat runs.' Mine has 4 sets of them besides many angled reinforcing braces. The rat runs are pieces of 2X4 nailed between each truss. These 22.5" pieces run in a straight line from one gable end to the other. Then attached to them are the actual rat runs, long 2X4's butted end to end from gable to gable. So now a wind load on one gable, besides being cross braced and angle braced is braced by each and every truss member.. The amount of wood in my attic is now likely double what it was when the house was built.

Old ideas become new again.

Dan

[cobra de capell]

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following 'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN REDNECK IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your rear with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You normally bathe monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
_____

MY Living Will

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Guns
ammo
Cup of coffee
Margarita
Sex
guns
ammo
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
guns
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
guns
ammo
Ice cream
Cup of coffee
Chocolate
guns
Sex
ammo
Chocolate
ammo
guns

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
_____

A small guy steps onto an elevator and sees the biggest guy ever. The big guy looks down and says:

7 foot
300lbs
20 inch penis
testicles 3lbs each
Turner Brown

The small guy hits the floor, out cold.

The big guy smacks him awake and he looks up and asks,"what did you just say?".

The big guy says,"I saw the look on your face so I just answered all the normal questions. I'm 7 feet tall, weight 300lbs, my penis is 20 inches long, my testicles weigh 3lbs apiece and my names Turner Brown".

The small guy says,"Oh, Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn Around'".

[cobra de capell]

Just thinking

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?
_____

The Obama coins, the Obama plates and now something for the rest of us ..........

[cobra de capell]

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlour getting their hair done....when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one boob. One lady leaned over to the other and whispers: "Poor kid doesn't know it ... But in about 40 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.
_____

The Spiders

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden.
_____

ABC's OF AGING

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,

C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget
other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure

I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex

L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time

(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my ...
M-memory from time to time)

N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack

P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill
and I'll be good as new!

R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my
increasing medical bills!

T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word
"terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)

V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found

X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)

Z is for zest, for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,
and keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.
_____

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . .. They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[cobra de capell]

The objective definition of Political Correctness

A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
_____

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~! *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~ *~*~*

9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

! 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their
final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?

*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

23. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the
two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

[cobra de capell]

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the total number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so.
_____

BIRTHDAY REMINDER......

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees getting stains on her clothes, experimenting with cigars and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?
_____

[cobra de capell]

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" He asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came Here in the first place."
_____

Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashion.

In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge (not just on seniors)

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots.

12. Short shorts and varicose veins.

13. Inline skates and a walker..

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older folks...

14. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

[cobra de capell]

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."
_____

Seminars for females

(Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading

2. Crying and law enforcement

3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR

4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours

5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.

6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")

7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions

8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights

9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed

10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water

11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament

12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")

13. How to earn your own money

14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")

15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side

16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry

17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station

18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels

19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy

20. His best friend can be yours too

21. His poker games: Deal yourself out

22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")

23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"

24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house

25. Your mate: selfish *******, or victimized sensitive man?

[cobra de capell]

A lawyer had a jury trial for a very difficult business case. The client, who up until then had been attending the trial, was out of town at the time the jury came back with its verdict. The decision was a complete victory for the lawyer and his client. The excited lawyer sent a telegram to the client, which read, simply:
"Justice has triumphed!"

The client, a realistic man, received the telegram and wired back: "Appeal at once!"
_____

A nine year old boy walked into his parents' room and saw his dad with Mom bent over the foot of the bed etc etc and dad waived him away. Feeling guilty the next day and wanting to explain what's what to the boy, he walked into the boy's room and saw Granma bent over etc etc and dad said What on Earth are you doing? and Boy said:

"Not so funny when it's YOU'RE Mother, eh?"
_____

ATTENTION!!!


ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE!!


YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE!!
_____

Probably a repeat, but funny....

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

Ask your doctor about Tequila!

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila . Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of
grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

[cobra de capell]

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to
help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Damn Frenchmen to show it to."
_____

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives.

Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world. "That may be true," said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world."
Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest stud alive simply because he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth. First, Hercules went into the Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile saying, "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave muttering, "Who in the hell is Bill Clinton?"
_____

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover.
You're in America now. Speak Spanish."
_____

THINGS A MOTHER WOULD NEVER SAY!

"Just live with him.. you don't have to marry him.. I don't need
any grandchildren"

"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"

"How on earth can you see the TV, sitting so far back?"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket -- it's quite warm out."

"Let me smell that shirt -- yeah, it's good for another week."

"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."

"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery."

"Could you turn the music up louder, so I can enjoy it, too?"

"Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"

"Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know."

"I don't have a tissue with me -- just use your sleeve."

"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big
deal about having to cross a few main streets?"

"My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind
skipping dinner, do you?"

"I saw your subscription to Playboy was expiring so I sent in a
check to renew."

"If she wants you both to move back east to live near her family
it's fine with me."

"Mother's day, Shmother's Day you just go to the beach and enjoy
yourselves."

"You don't have to call me every week I know how busy you are."

"You are so lucky to have your in-laws"

"Your wife knows best - forget about the advice I gave you"

[cobra de capell]

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for
admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and
helped kids overcome their deformities. " St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate
themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I
helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can
come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added,

"You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
_____

One beautiful morning a woman's 15 yr. old daughter announced to her Mom that she was pregnant, The Mom in a state of shock to this news blurted out Oh my God are you sure, the daughter produced a positive pregnancy test strip and said Yes , the Mom said I thought we raised you better then this. how? When? Why? Tell me who's the father? the daughters reply to the questions was "I don't know!" "I don't know!" "I don't know!" "How should I know You and dad never let me go steady!
_____

A fair haired person goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination? "

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 Baptists".
______


_____