Jokes

[cobra de capell]

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." So, I have worked out this easy daily program.

I can do anywhere:

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.


Whew! What a workout!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!

[cobra de capell]

Old Guys Don't Care

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment. For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful, sexy and unbelievably big breasted. She told me that I have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why, she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'
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Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.
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Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'
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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.
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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?
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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.
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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.
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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.
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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.
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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!
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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.
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We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?
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I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.
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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?
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Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.
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So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay
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A CHL motorist on the Ohio Turnpike gets stopped by the Ohio Turnpike Patrol.

The driver pulls over, rolls his window down, and puts his hands on the steering wheel.

As the officer approaches the driver's window, the driver tells the officer that he is CHL and that he is carrying.

He then ask the officer how he would like to proceed?

The Patrolman ask the driver if he, meaning "the patrolman" has anything to be afraid of while conducting his traffic stop?

The driver responded by saying, "Not yet"!

[cobra de capell]

Apples to Oranges?

Of Abe and Barry.............everyone compares the two......

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible..

2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless British generosity.
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[cobra de capell]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
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How many Country Music singers does it take to change a light bulb

Two - One to change it, the other to sing about how good the old one was
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You know what happens when you play a country music song backwards?

The guys dog comes back, his wife comes back, he gets his farm and his truck back.....
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From Buddy Bear's Diary (Patty's dog)

8:00 am - Breakfast! My favorite thing!
9:00 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - Visited Mom's Clients! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got hugs and snacks! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Visited More Clients! My favorite thing! Mom's too!
1:00 pm - Played With Stuffed Animals! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Visited Even More Clients! Mom's & My favorite thing!
5:30 pm - Went to the Store! My favorite thing!
6:30 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Got to walk around the neighborhood! My favorite thing!
9:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with Mom! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. B#stards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

[cobra de capell]

Stuart comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Smith that you’ve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”

Embarrassed, Stuart confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sex!”

Sadie questions, “If I moaned when we had sex, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!”

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Stuart, should I moan now?”

“No not yet.”

Stuart begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Stuart? Should I moan now?” “No, I’ll tell you when!”

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

“Is it time for me to moan, Stuart?”

“Wait, I’ll tell you when.”

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Stuart yells, “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”

“OY! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a day I had!”
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"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
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After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; It is more of Psychological problem.

Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research,a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:

Julie
from Oldham said:-

'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be'

Susan
from Ashton added:-

'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle'

Hillary
from Birmigham :said -

'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'!


Picture below:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZhZR6vudTn...00-h/Mouse.bmp

[cobra de capell]

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet in the sink.
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"What is this oozing behemoth, this fibrous tumor, this monster of power and expense hatched from the simple human desire for civic order? How did an allegedly free people spawn a vast, rampant cuttlefish of dominion with its tentacles in every orifice of the body politic?" -- P. J. O'Rourke, Parliament of Whores
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