Jokes

[cobra de capell]

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings"
_____

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
_____

An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"
_____

One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared as I am, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
_____

A Lawyer’s Deal With The Devil

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer “I have a proposition for you…”

“You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: “So, what’s the catch?”
_____

American, Canadian And A Jew In Heaven

On a dark and stormy night, an American, Canadian and a Jew were in a horrible car accident. All three were rushed to the hospital, though all three had died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he awoke and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what had happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a bright white light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $150 we could return to the earth.”

He continued, ” So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $150, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”
_____

[cobra de capell]

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." So, I have worked out this easy daily program.

I can do anywhere:

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.


Whew! What a workout!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!

[cobra de capell]

Old Guys Don't Care

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment. For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful, sexy and unbelievably big breasted. She told me that I have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why, she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'
____

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
_____

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.
_____

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'
_____

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.
_____

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?
_____

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.
_____

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.
_____

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.
_____

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.
_____

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
_____

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!
_____

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.
_____

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?
_____

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.
_____

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?
_____

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.
____

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay
_____

A CHL motorist on the Ohio Turnpike gets stopped by the Ohio Turnpike Patrol.

The driver pulls over, rolls his window down, and puts his hands on the steering wheel.

As the officer approaches the driver's window, the driver tells the officer that he is CHL and that he is carrying.

He then ask the officer how he would like to proceed?

The Patrolman ask the driver if he, meaning "the patrolman" has anything to be afraid of while conducting his traffic stop?

The driver responded by saying, "Not yet"!

[cobra de capell]

Apples to Oranges?

Of Abe and Barry.............everyone compares the two......

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible..

2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
_____

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
_____

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless British generosity.
____

[cobra de capell]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
_____

How many Country Music singers does it take to change a light bulb

Two - One to change it, the other to sing about how good the old one was
_____

You know what happens when you play a country music song backwards?

The guys dog comes back, his wife comes back, he gets his farm and his truck back.....
_____

From Buddy Bear's Diary (Patty's dog)

8:00 am - Breakfast! My favorite thing!
9:00 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - Visited Mom's Clients! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got hugs and snacks! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Visited More Clients! My favorite thing! Mom's too!
1:00 pm - Played With Stuffed Animals! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Visited Even More Clients! Mom's & My favorite thing!
5:30 pm - Went to the Store! My favorite thing!
6:30 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Got to walk around the neighborhood! My favorite thing!
9:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with Mom! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. B#stards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

[cobra de capell]

Stuart comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Smith that you’ve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”

Embarrassed, Stuart confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sex!”

Sadie questions, “If I moaned when we had sex, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!”

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Stuart, should I moan now?”

“No not yet.”

Stuart begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Stuart? Should I moan now?” “No, I’ll tell you when!”

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

“Is it time for me to moan, Stuart?”

“Wait, I’ll tell you when.”

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Stuart yells, “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”

“OY! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a day I had!”
_____

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
_____

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; It is more of Psychological problem.

Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research,a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:

Julie
from Oldham said:-

'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be'

Susan
from Ashton added:-

'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle'

Hillary
from Birmigham :said -

'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'!


Picture below:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZhZR6vudTn...00-h/Mouse.bmp

[cobra de capell]

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet in the sink.
___

"What is this oozing behemoth, this fibrous tumor, this monster of power and expense hatched from the simple human desire for civic order? How did an allegedly free people spawn a vast, rampant cuttlefish of dominion with its tentacles in every orifice of the body politic?" -- P. J. O'Rourke, Parliament of Whores
_____

[cobra de capell]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a tit and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the tit...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too.'
_____

Down Home Arab Holistic Medicine...............


Ahkmed the Arab came to America from the Middle East and he was only here a few months when he became ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and deen put your head down over de bocket ahn breathe in de fumes for teen meenites."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, and bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor, he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."
_____

ENLIGHTENED!


I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'Service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service '

Telephone 'Service'

Cable 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

State, City & County Public 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.
_____

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm..

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Nice pigs, Sir.”

The President replies: “These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.”

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Excellent trade, sir.”

Semper Fi
____

[cobra de capell]

Funny and true....

On Wednesday, only two days after he lifted President Bush’s executive order banning federal funding of stem cell research that requires the destruction of human embryos, President Barack Obama signed a law that explicilty bans federal funding of any "research in which a human embryo or embryos are destroyed, discarded, or knowingly subjected to risk of injury or death."

The provision was buried in the 465-page omnibus appropriations bill that Obama signed Wednesday. Known as the ****ey-Wicker amendment, it has been included in the annual appropriations bill for the Department of Health and Human Services every fiscal year since 1996.

The amendment says, in part: "None of the funds made available in this Act may be used for—(1) the creation of a human embryo or embryos for research purposes; or (2) research in which a human embryo or embryos are destroyed, discarded, or knowingly subjected to risk of injury or death."
_____

Doesn't anyone read bills?
_____

Party Chatter

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen Gold."

"That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry.

"What's your Name?" she asked.

He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf".
_____

The two blonds had trecked deep and far into the forest looking for the "perfect" Christmas tree. After several more hours one turned to the other and said "I don't care if it's decorated or not, I'm cutting down the next tree I see."
_____

No problem
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."
_____

An old man goes into the local newspaper office and asks if he can place an obituary notice in the Births, Deaths and Marriages column for his deceased wife.

The receptionist says it's no problem, and it will cost him £1 per word. She gives him the form to complete, and he spends a moment or two filling it in. He hands it over to her, along with three pounds, and when she reads it,
it says simply, 'Doris is dead.'

'Oh, that's awful' she says 'but why only the three words?' 'That's all I can afford' he replies.

She looks quite upset, and says 'Just let me have a word with the Editor, and see what I can do'.

After a moment or two she comes back and tells him the Editor says he can have another three words free of charge. So he takes the form back and scribbles down some more, before passing it back to her.

She picks the form up and reads it:

'Doris is dead. Volvo for sale.'
_____

[cobra de capell]

Little Johnny to Billy, "You know, Jane Smith cheats!"

"Why do you say that?" asked Billy.

"Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out she ain't got one!" exclaimed Little Johnny.
_____

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
_____

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
_____

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

[cobra de capell]

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one
another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health
one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a
cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead
right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"I opened a can of peas instead."
_____

Old-Timers Quiz"




Not that any of you are old, I've always said "Just because I know about World War II doesn't mean I lived through it, I can read you know!"


This is a test for all of you, old and young kids! The answers are printed below,
but why cheat?

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind.
What did he leave behind? ____________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ____________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best _______________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?
_______________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red
always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and
"_______________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their____________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the
front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music
died." This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians
did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50s and 60s was a large plastic ring
that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _____________.
_____

Learning English???

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
_____

Three golfers, Bob, Max, and Ted, are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

The following Saturday, all four golfers again show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday. But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Every week from then on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time and then you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"

"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's on her right side, I play right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

"Then I'm about ten minutes late."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Real Parents. Real Notes


This would be a whole lot funnier if there was not some truth in
it............
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real
notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district. Spellings
have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcus e Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre
dyrea direathe the $**t'$.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We
thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.
20. Please excuse ma ry for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
_____

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber." Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?" The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is.

Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
_____

Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's room, pee'd,and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom."

The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. "Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to pee on our hands!"
_____

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin,the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Snopes does not list this as "false;” but you might want to check this out with the IRS and your Senators.


Income taxes are normally due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

However, I have been told that rule has recently been changed for this and for the next 4 years, tax payments will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

Please check with your Tax adviser to confirm
_____
A rich guy and a poor guy are sitting at a bar.
The rich guy says,"today's my wifes birthday."
The poor guy asks what he got her.
The rich guy replies,"I bought her a diamond necklace and a new mercedes."
The poor guy asks why he bought both, to which the rich guy replies,"well, I figure if she doesn't like
the necklace she can get in her mercedes and drive it back to the store."
The poor guys,"oh, good thinking, today's my wifes birthday also."
The rich guy asks what he got her and the poor guy says,"I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
The rich guy says,"thats an interesting combination."
The poor guy says,"yeah, I figure if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go f##k herself."
_____

After the election, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin decided to do her best to heal the wounds with her rivals in the bitter campaign.

She invited the ticket that defeated John McCain and her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, to a moose-hunting trip.

She hired three prominent experts in their fields to assist.

**** Cheney would lead them on the hunt.

Ted Kennedy would drive them back to their cabins each evening.

And Bill Clinton would entertain their wives and daughters.
_____

A peasant girl decided she wanted to go to the ball, so, her fairygodmother helped her out. She gave her the horse drawn carriage, evening gown, shoes and jewlery. She even gave her a magic diapragm, the only catch was that the diapragm would turn into a pumpkin at midnight. The peasant girl went happily on her way.

After many hours, about 5AM the peasant girl finally came home wearing a big smile on her face. The fairy godmother was irrate,"where have you been? Your diapragm should have turned into a pumpkin hours ago."

The peasant girl said,"it's ok, I met a handsome prince who took care of everything."

Her fairygodmother replied,"I don't know of any prince with such powers. What was his name?"

The peasant girl said,"I don't know, Peter Peter something or other...."
_____

Texas Gun Logic - I like the logic of those Texans.

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

He had grabbed the purse and ran.

She had her hand on the gun in the purse when he grabbed the purse and she was left with the revolver in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath:

“Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click.”
_____

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, the little old lady that owns me had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Yellow Lab said, "No, I'm Here To Get My Nails Clipped."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
_____

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
_____

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
_____

A day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk...

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
_____

Biology Test

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk; worth 70 points or none at all.

One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student's mind went blank.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote...

7. It comes in awesome containers.

He got an A
--------

[cobra de capell]

Before reading this, think about VRM's posts here, perhaps even Cobra (space cadet) Bill - is this not a story that they could readily have posted, covering just about any subject (its a pattern, or sorts)? (Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with it - just worth noting)
_____

A Guy's Steamy Sex Story

I met this beautiful girl last night.

She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever.

Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very close.

You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me...well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair was...on the other side of a wall you see...in another room sort of. And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall, very close. Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of...on the street...leaning against the building.

But wow! What a night. What a night.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Subject: something for everyone...


WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.


Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians.


A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore...

ARKANSAS
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.


I am having an out-of-money experience.


Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
_____

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
The bartender asks "where did you get that"?
The parrot says " Africa , they're all over the place"
_____

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .
After the plane was airborne drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
_____

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh$t!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
_____

A French doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'
_____

[cobra de capell]

Not a joke......Parody of American Pie (McLean)

Kiss Your Freedom Goodbye

Was not so long ago...
I can still remember
How America would strut her style.
I’d never need a cash advance
The mortgage I could refinance
McMansion with imported marble tile.

We all believed we’d live forever
Successful in each grand endeavor.
A power-playing sales rep;
I never made one misstep.

I loved to travel far and wide
With my family and gorgeous bride,
But now I weep with swallowed pride
Our fortune swept aside.

So my, my, kiss your freedom goodbye.
Spend a trillion, bill the children,
In the blink of an eye.
And a power grab to bleed the treasury dry
Singin’, “vote because catastrophe’s nigh.”
"vote because catastrophe’s nigh."

Did you place your faith and trust,
In this wasteful, bloated omnibus,
If Messiah tells you so?
Ah, do you believe in change and hope,
While sliding down that slippery slope,
And cede your liberty for quid pro quo?

Well, we’re paintin’ lipstick on a pig
Future generations pay the vig.
The liberals enriched.
Man, this is classic bait & switch, oooh.

But now the budget busters run amok
The entitled Hopies from the teat will suck,
The nanny state trend’s hard to buck
So hey, don’t even try.

I started singin’,
"my, my, kiss your freedom goodbye."
Don’t be rankled, grab your ankles,
Get a tube of K-Y.
A Quarter Pounder’s all your money’ll buy
Singin’ “would you like a shake with those fries?
"would you like a shake with those fries?"

Now for two years on the campaign trail
Relentless quest for the Holy Grail,
And now it’s time to live the dream.
So Obama’s King and Michelle is Queen,
With a plan conceived by Howard Dean
And they say that bull**** flows downstream,

Oh, and while Messiah donned his crown,
Commenced to tear free markets down.
Investors showed concern;
So meager their returns.
And while Bama channeled Karl Marx,
We hid our cash in shadows dark,
From bureaucrats and Geithner’s sharks
Until the storm subsides.

We were singing,
"my, my, kiss your freedom goodbye."
Better hunker in your bunker,
Saul Alinsky’s alive.
Stock up on rice and keep an ample supply
And singin’ “this will be our rallying cry”.
"this’ll be our rallying cry."

Healthcare, train fare, come and get your welfare.
Those greedy fat-cats gonna pay their fair share,
Trillions spent and expanding fast.
Goodies spread to the middle class.
The piggies feed from the trough en masse,
As our masters dine on pheasant under glass.

Now the congress met in smoke-filled rooms
“Oh, we must avert impending doom!”
Rapt in hypnotic trance,
Oh, let us stem this avalanche!
Now the stimulus was soon revealed;
Our liberties at once repealed.
Do not resist, your fate is sealed
Don’t bother asking why

We started singing,
"my, my kiss your freedom goodbye."
Cede your labor to the Savior:
Mister Pie in the Sky.
Them Democrats expand the money supply
And singin’ “we’re just all along for the ride
"we’re just all along for the ride."

Oh, and Jeffrey Holder talks of race,
We’re shameless cowards in disgrace
Too bigoted to comprehend.
So come on: all you hate-filled Anglo hicks!
Confess your sins and take your licks
Cause payback is a ***** my redneck friend.

Oh, and as He dissembled on the stage
Our Brave New World has come of age.
Do as The One compels
Or face that prison cell.
And with the GITMO thugs conferred with rights
To soothe their freedom fighter’s plight,
I saw leering smiles from Reverend Wright
Today bald eagles cried

They were crying,
"my, my kiss your freedom goodbye."
Stop your whining and opining,
Simply learn to comply.
Pelosi’s goons will drain your bank account dry
And singin’, "suck it up and take it in stride.
"suck it up and take it in stride."

I saw the POTUS sans a clue
So Orwellian his clever ruse:
“We must act now without delay!”
I went down to the corner bar
Where I’d often savored fine cigars,
But smoking’s banned, so I was turned away.

And no more salt, no butter, cream,
No trans-fats, nothing fried – just steamed.
We all know meat is murder;
Enjoy your tofu burger.
I tried to tune my AM dial
Where I’d listen in to Rush awhile,
But the “Fairness” Doctrine’s now in style
Dissent’s been placed on trial.

And they were singing,
"my, my kiss your freedom goodbye."
Great Depression now in session,
Lefty pundits decry.
Well, it’s romper room with all the libs running wild
Singin’ “better throw more slop in the sty.
"better throw more slop in the sty."

They were singing,
"my, my, kiss your freedom goodbye."
Lost my Hummer, what a bummer,
Now the bus is my ride.
Well, the party’s over, yes The State will decide
Singin’ “yes indeed The State will decide."

[cobra de capell]

“The Brothel”

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:


'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00..'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign Or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'how come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled . . 'their sign pertains to religion.'

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter - $50.
_____

A guy walks into his local bar and the bartender say’s “you look pleased with yourself Clint, have you had a good day?”

Clint say’s “Good day, listen to what happened to me, when I left here last night I was crossing over by the railroad track and I saw a real hot babe, we went back to my place and I got her into bed and I had the best sex of my life, all night we did it every which way, and then some.

“Wow” say’s the bartender “was she pretty?”

I don’t know” say’s Clint, “I didn’t find her head”
_____

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "Well f*** me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well!!"
_____

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s**t.
_____

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.

After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
_____

The old Native American wanted a loan for $500.. The banker pulled out the
loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.

Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you
want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk,

"What you got for collateral?"
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[cobra de capell]

Top 12 Things Not to Say to a Cop

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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Cheatin' cretin

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.

The woman says, " Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid," said the woman.

The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"

The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."

The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."

A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 832-4821?"
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A day in the life of a deaf mute
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
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VIRUS TYPES
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, them emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS
(A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy .

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
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