Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Little Johnny to Billy, "You know, Jane Smith cheats!"

"Why do you say that?" asked Billy.

"Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out she ain't got one!" exclaimed Little Johnny.
_____

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
_____

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

[cobra de capell]

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one
another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health
one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a
cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead
right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"I opened a can of peas instead."
_____

Old-Timers Quiz"




Not that any of you are old, I've always said "Just because I know about World War II doesn't mean I lived through it, I can read you know!"


This is a test for all of you, old and young kids! The answers are printed below,
but why cheat?

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind.
What did he leave behind? ____________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ____________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best _______________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?
_______________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red
always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and
"_______________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their____________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the
front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music
died." This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians
did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50s and 60s was a large plastic ring
that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _____________.
_____

Learning English???

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The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
_____

Three golfers, Bob, Max, and Ted, are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

The following Saturday, all four golfers again show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday. But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Every week from then on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time and then you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"

"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's on her right side, I play right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

"Then I'm about ten minutes late."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Real Parents. Real Notes


This would be a whole lot funnier if there was not some truth in
it............
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real
notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district. Spellings
have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcus e Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre
dyrea direathe the $**t'$.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We
thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.
20. Please excuse ma ry for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
_____

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber." Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?" The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is.

Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
_____

Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's room, pee'd,and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom."

The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. "Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to pee on our hands!"
_____

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin,the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
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[cobra de capell]

Snopes does not list this as "false;” but you might want to check this out with the IRS and your Senators.


Income taxes are normally due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

However, I have been told that rule has recently been changed for this and for the next 4 years, tax payments will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

Please check with your Tax adviser to confirm
_____
A rich guy and a poor guy are sitting at a bar.
The rich guy says,"today's my wifes birthday."
The poor guy asks what he got her.
The rich guy replies,"I bought her a diamond necklace and a new mercedes."
The poor guy asks why he bought both, to which the rich guy replies,"well, I figure if she doesn't like
the necklace she can get in her mercedes and drive it back to the store."
The poor guys,"oh, good thinking, today's my wifes birthday also."
The rich guy asks what he got her and the poor guy says,"I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
The rich guy says,"thats an interesting combination."
The poor guy says,"yeah, I figure if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go f##k herself."
_____

After the election, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin decided to do her best to heal the wounds with her rivals in the bitter campaign.

She invited the ticket that defeated John McCain and her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, to a moose-hunting trip.

She hired three prominent experts in their fields to assist.

**** Cheney would lead them on the hunt.

Ted Kennedy would drive them back to their cabins each evening.

And Bill Clinton would entertain their wives and daughters.
_____

A peasant girl decided she wanted to go to the ball, so, her fairygodmother helped her out. She gave her the horse drawn carriage, evening gown, shoes and jewlery. She even gave her a magic diapragm, the only catch was that the diapragm would turn into a pumpkin at midnight. The peasant girl went happily on her way.

After many hours, about 5AM the peasant girl finally came home wearing a big smile on her face. The fairy godmother was irrate,"where have you been? Your diapragm should have turned into a pumpkin hours ago."

The peasant girl said,"it's ok, I met a handsome prince who took care of everything."

Her fairygodmother replied,"I don't know of any prince with such powers. What was his name?"

The peasant girl said,"I don't know, Peter Peter something or other...."
_____

Texas Gun Logic - I like the logic of those Texans.

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

He had grabbed the purse and ran.

She had her hand on the gun in the purse when he grabbed the purse and she was left with the revolver in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath:

“Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click.”
_____

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, the little old lady that owns me had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Yellow Lab said, "No, I'm Here To Get My Nails Clipped."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
_____

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
_____

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
_____

A day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk...

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
_____

Biology Test

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk; worth 70 points or none at all.

One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student's mind went blank.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote...

7. It comes in awesome containers.

He got an A
--------

[cobra de capell]

Before reading this, think about VRM's posts here, perhaps even Cobra (space cadet) Bill - is this not a story that they could readily have posted, covering just about any subject (its a pattern, or sorts)? (Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with it - just worth noting)
_____

A Guy's Steamy Sex Story

I met this beautiful girl last night.

She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever.

Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very close.

You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me...well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair was...on the other side of a wall you see...in another room sort of. And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall, very close. Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of...on the street...leaning against the building.

But wow! What a night. What a night.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Subject: something for everyone...


WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.


Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians.


A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore...

ARKANSAS
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.


I am having an out-of-money experience.


Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
_____

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
The bartender asks "where did you get that"?
The parrot says " Africa , they're all over the place"
_____

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .
After the plane was airborne drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
_____

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh$t!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
_____

A French doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'
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