Jokes

[cobra de capell]

The economy is so bad--

1. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

2. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

4. Hotwheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM.

5. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

7. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

9. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"

10. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

11. The Mafia is laying off judges.
_____

[Ron61]

Archery

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich. That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way - a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... lets face it ...to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself, ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles). At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? F**k that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH **** he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. ****. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 f**king decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE F**KING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sum***** got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats Tshirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GODDAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom. One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been *****ing about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

Author Unknown

[cobra de capell]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard.
_____

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.



2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.



3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.



4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.



5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.



6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.

You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.



7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.



8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.



9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.

B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.

C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.



10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:



If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, Congrats
_____

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,

"Howard. You're a veterinarian"...
_____

[cobra de capell]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
____

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet.

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
_____

A mom asks her little girl what she would like for her birthday.

The little girl says,"I want a Barbie and a G.I.Joe".

The mom says,"honey, I think you're confused. Barbie comes with Ken, not G.I.Joe".

Little girl replies,"No mommy, Barbie comes with G.I.Joe, she just fakes it with Ken".
_____

This flash news report just in from the AP wire...........


Lexington, KY -
The Lexington Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky river just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama t-shirt.
He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum.
Police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
_____

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor arrived immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction, and instantly feeling better he declared "That tasted like ****!"

The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'

[cobra de capell]

Here are some of the hilarious, spectacularly wrong predictions made on the occasion of Earth Day 1970......

“We have about five more years at the outside to do something.” • Kenneth Watt, ecologist

“Civilization will end within 15 or 30 years unless immediate action is taken against problems facing mankind.” • George Wald, Harvard Biologist

“We are in an environmental crisis which threatens the survival of this nation, and of the world as a suitable place of human habitation.” • Barry Commoner, Washington University biologist

“Man must stop pollution and conserve his resources, not merely to enhance existence but to save the race from intolerable deterioration and possible extinction.” • New York Times editorial, the day after the first Earth Day

“Population will inevitably and completely outstrip whatever small increases in food supplies we make. The death rate will increase until at least 100-200 million people per year will be starving to death during the next ten years.” • Paul Ehrlich, Stanford University biologist

“By…[1975] some experts feel that food shortages will have escalated the present level of world hunger and starvation into famines of unbelievable proportions. Other experts, more optimistic, think the ultimate food-population collision will not occur until the decade of the 1980s.” • Paul Ehrlich, Stanford University biologist

“It is already too late to avoid mass starvation,” • Denis Hayes, chief organizer for Earth Day

“Demographers agree almost unanimously on the following grim timetable: by 1975 widespread famines will begin in India; these will spread by 1990 to include all of India, Pakistan, China and the Near East, Africa. By the year 2000, or conceivably sooner, South and Central America will exist under famine conditions….By the year 2000, thirty years from now, the entire world, with the exception of Western Europe, North America, and Australia, will be in famine.” • Peter Gunter, professor, North Texas State University

“Scientists have solid experimental and theoretical evidence to support…the following predictions: In a decade, urban dwellers will have to wear gas masks to survive air pollution…by 1985 air pollution will have reduced the amount of sunlight reaching earth by one half….” • Life Magazine, January 1970

“At the present rate of nitrogen buildup, it’s only a matter of time before light will be filtered out of the atmosphere and none of our land will be usable.” • Kenneth Watt, Ecologist

Stanford's Paul Ehrlich announces that the sky is falling.

Stanford's Paul Ehrlich announces that the sky is falling. “Air pollution…is certainly going to take hundreds of thousands of lives in the next few years alone.” • Paul Ehrlich, Stanford University biologist

“We are prospecting for the very last of our resources and using up the nonrenewable things many times faster than we are finding new ones.” • Martin Litton, Sierra Club director

“By the year 2000, if present trends continue, we will be using up crude oil at such a rate…that there won’t be any more crude oil. You’ll drive up to the pump and say, `Fill ‘er up, buddy,’ and he’ll say, `I am very sorry, there isn’t any.’” • Kenneth Watt, Ecologist

“Dr. S. Dillon Ripley, secretary of the Smithsonian Institute, believes that in 25 years, somewhere between 75 and 80 percent of all the species of living animals will be extinct.” • Sen. Gaylord Nelson

“The world has been chilling sharply for about twenty years. If present trends continue, the world will be about four degrees colder for the global mean temperature in 1990, but eleven degrees colder in the year 2000. This is about twice what it would take to put us into an ice age.” • Kenneth Watt, Ecologist
_____

Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Americas economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.


It can't get any easier than that!

If more money is needed, have all members of Congress pay their taxes...
_____

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'.

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of me. She will get the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mom will go to bed and have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-***** who ran over my frog."
_____

Do you know what the worst part of having a lung transplant is?

Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours.
_____

I don't know who this woman is, but she seems to know some of you guys.....

On the other hand, in at least three cases I'm sure she's exaggerating.....

[cobra de capell]

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[cobra de capell]

This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message: Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
____

A vegetative state
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room chatting about things and......life... and... Then, we talked about living and dying.

I said to her: ' Dear, if ever I end up in a vegetative state when you are alive, please never let me go on like that.....totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die'.

Up went my wife from the sofa, with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the Ipod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!
_____

The Happy Old Lady

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front
step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What's your secret?"

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day," she said.

"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, eat pork, red meat and lots junk food. On weekends, I pop a pill or two, get laid, and yes, I don't do any exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing for person your age of 90+ or may be a hundred." he said trying to guess her age.

Finally, the doctor asked "How old EXACTLY are you?"

"Thirty-four." she replied.
_____

[cobra de capell]

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied
_____

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and in conversation they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"
_____

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
_____

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.



2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.



3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.



4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.



5.. You soon will forward this to another idiot.



6.. There's still a stupid smile on your face.


I apologize about this.


I'm an idiot too and I needed company ....
_____

On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a great cure for ED. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my gift to the medicine man and wondered what was next. The old man quickly produced a potion and handed it to me, saying, "This heap-powerful medicine, must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and say "1-2-3" and become more manly than you have ever been."

"Wow! Uh, how do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Partner must say '1-2-3-4' but when she does, the medicine not work again until next full moon."

I couldn't wait to see if it worked, so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, wonderful lead filled my pencil! My wife was excited and ripped off her clothes and then asked, "Honey, what was that strange 1-2-3 for?"
_____

Not a joke, but funny.....

Stella Awards- Our Justice System At It's Best!!!

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head.So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year:



7TH PLACE :

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.



6TH PLACE :

Carl Truman, 19 of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.



5TH PLACE :

Terrence ****son, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leaving a house, whose owners were away on vacation, and he had just burglarized, by way of the garage. Unfortunately for ****son, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when ****son pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay ****son $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...



4TH PLACE :

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr. Scratch, scratch.



3RD PLACE :

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go...



2ND PLACE :

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.



1ST PLACE : This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set . The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their 20manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home..



Are we, as a society, getting more stupid..? Ya Think?

[Don]

Every Sunday the Hartford ( CT ) Courant publishes THE DOT, reader submitted humor & jokes

http://www.courant.com/features/life...9.storygallery

Click on the main subject, such as Anticipation for the contents of each week, example

Why Many Singles Remain Single

The ad:

Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting.

The response:

More than 150 men answered the ad and found themselves talking to the Humane Society.


http://www.courant.com/features/life...,3923284.story

[cobra de capell]

How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits into your wife's clothes.

[Mark IV]

[quote=cobra de capell=QUOTE]





6TH PLACE :

Carl Truman, 19 of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Dear God, please don't tell me there is a market for Honda Accord wheel covers






1ST PLACE : This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set . The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their 20manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home..

Although I would beleive this of most OU graduates.....
http://www.snopes.com/autos/techno/cruise.asp



[quote]

[cobra de capell]

Please stop with the snopes stuff - this is purely a joke thread.....get it?

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a *****.
_____

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

'You comma to de front door of the apartamenta. I am inna apartamenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in..

Coma inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and wit you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.'

'Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

'What . . .You coming empty handed?
_____

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went hiking on a very hot day. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was very isolated, they decided to get naked and go for a swim just like they did at the ol' swimming hole in boyhood.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries. As they were crossing a big open area, along came a group of local women on a hike. Unable to get dressed in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the giggling ladies left and the men got their clothes on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes.. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

Smile, You've still got your sense of humor, right?
_____

No joke......

I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan ) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania). The cost is a bit high @ US$800 per day per person double occupancy.

What I found enticing is that the cruise company is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4 days).

All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.

$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)

M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95

Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at 14.95

Barrett M-107 50 cal sniper riffle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 9.95

Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).

They even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3 standard loads "Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."

Meals are not included but seem reasonable.

Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....

"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"
Sign my ass up!

They advertise group rates and corporate discounts.......and even claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"

They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied....here's some text from the ad.

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund back half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).. How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia . If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia . At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before April 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice.."

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials

"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"---- Lars , Hamburg Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0 -PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English"
----Ned, Salt Lake city , Utah USA

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM . Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their ****ty aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam "
----"chopper' Dan, Toledo USA .

"Like ducks in a barrel. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a riot!! This is a must do.
_____

[cobra de capell]

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.


"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
_____

After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
_____

LOST & FOUND

Yellow-brown mixed breed dog.
Blind in left eye with torn right ear.
Missing two teeth & four toes on left hind food.
Right leg is crooked & missing half a tail.
Recently neutered.
Answers to the name of LUCKY.
Reward.
_____

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.

She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN

Horny
_____

A Texas rancher and his wife bickered their way through France as if they were back home in the Panhandle.

They were scarcely speaking by the time they arrived for their dinner reservations at a fancy French restaurant.

When the waiter asked for their order, the rancher said, "I'll have a big, thick, porterhouse steak."

The waiter looked surprised. "Monsieur? What about ze mad cow?"

The rancher replied, "Oh, she'll just have the salad!"

[cobra de capell]

The Top Ten Reasons President Barak Obama Delayed the Use of Deadly Force on the 'Somali Pirates:

10. They are potential campaign donors for 2012.

9. One looked like a former neighbor.

8. All were carrying DNC cards.

7. When BO's staff identified them as "Pirates",

Barak Obama thought they were from Pittsburgh.

6. Two of the four were registered with "ACORN".

5. Didn't want to support the use of firearms for protection, thus backing the stance of the 'NRA'.

4. Wanted positive confirmation that they were in fact, Not members of the Rainbow Coalition.

3. The Tele-prompter was broken and he had nothing to say.

2. No Photo-op existed.

and the Number # 1 reason...

1. They may be Relatives.
_____

President Obama took some banking and insurance executives out to dinner and told them, "Order whatever you want to drink, order whatever you want to eat, order some to take home, order some for your neighbors and make sure you all also get some dessert."

One of the executives exclaimed, "Mr. President, that's going to cost a fortune!" Obama replied, "Don't worry about it. We won’t be here when the check comes."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Stress Management

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
_____

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room.

Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins
to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why, however, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water.

None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

"AND THAT'S HOW MANY COMPANY POLICIES GET ESTABLISHED".
_____

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.



HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked .. Bring chicken wings . Don't block the TV
_____

For The Women!! Theft Problem

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

Well, my thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something
'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night!

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
_____

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her under-wear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs; and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly
undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[cobra de capell]

Little child's prayer on New Year’s Eve:

Lord, in this year,

please send clothes

for all those

poor ladies

in Dad's computer.
_____

Air Force One hybrid by Government Motors



Home Remedies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.......... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT.... THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
_____

16 Things it took me over 50+ years to learn
By: Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
_____

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one
named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female
population and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're
lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the
ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just
like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam
had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one
end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle"
said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These
gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect
and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure, sure" says George, "Let's go!"

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts
at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he
remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is
going along he makes sure to say -

"Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you
ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am..."

[cobra de capell]

Little child's prayer on New Year’s Eve:

Lord, in this year,

please send clothes

for all those

poor ladies

in Dad's computer.
_____

Air Force One hybrid by Government Motors



Home Remedies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.......... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT.... THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
_____

16 Things it took me over 50+ years to learn
By: Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
_____

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one
named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female
population and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're
lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the
ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just
like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam
had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one
end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle"
said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These
gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect
and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure, sure" says George, "Let's go!"

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts
at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he
remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is
going along he makes sure to say -

"Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you
ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am..."

[cobra de capell]

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive care.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Two preschool boys were overheard talking together on the playground.

One said to the other: "My dad is a plumber. What does your dad do?"

"Mine is a politician."

"Honest?"

"No," the child replied. "Just a regular one."
_____

Subject: Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly
seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more
like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to
be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at
home...maybe at work?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get
30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the
difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers
pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew? Who cares? How'd they
find out, did they ask them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on
the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you
imagine?? And why pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
starves to death. (Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least
pigs get a break there...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still
want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, Geez) (That's almost as
bad as catfish)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people
like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is............. Lucky
Pigs...
_____

Understanding Change
The buzzword now is 'Change'.

Politicians toss it around without saying what they want to change to.

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant
Who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that the men smelled bad.

The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The 'Gunny' responded, 'Yes, Sir. I'll see to it immediately.

' He went into the tent and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad,
And he wants you to change your underwear.'

Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz..... Change, now, get on with it!'

The moral of the story:
Politicians may promise change in Washington , but the stink will remain.
_____

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her
full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the
corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,
his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft
murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly
released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of
surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare
flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory,
boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his
movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her
every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had
gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he
paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too
big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into
place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and
contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of
gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long
before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She
would want to do it again and again and again............

Don't ya just love shopping for shoes!