Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Men's perspective About Wives:


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
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Jokes you'll never hear at a White House Correspondents' Association Dinner

"Sorry I'm late … Louis Caldera was my cabbie and he thought it would be a good idea to drive me by the Statue of Liberty for a photo-op."

"Incidentally, Caldera was also going to be the person who ordered the Navy SEALS to rescue Captain Phillips from the Somali pirates if that had turned out badly."

"In an effort to ensure that any terror suspects killed under orders of the administration is completely legal in the eyes of the president, 'killed terrorists' will now be referred to as 'really late-term abortions.'"

"The White House says that the president had no prior knowledge of that 747 buzzing of Manhattan. Is it really a good idea to entrust our national security to somebody who can't even install The Club on his own jet?"

"This isn't the first time Barack Obama has denied any knowledge of a New York City buzz – the first being the time he smoked a joint with William Ayers at '21.'"

"And I don't know about you, but I sleep better at night knowing that a White House aide can scramble F-16s without anybody else knowing about it. This way, if a war breaks out while Obama's teleprompter is unplugged, somebody can still order planes to bomb New York to appease an enemy like at the end of Fail-Safe."

"If you're wondering why the president is in a good mood, it's because he's glad to be finished with his annual physical. During his colonoscopy doctors removed two benign polyps and the White House Press Corps."

"Last evening I took a walk through the cemetery – or as ACORN calls it, a 'recruiting trip.'"

"Things are getting weirder and weirder. Barack Obama is now running an auto company, and this morning I read that Lee Iacocca is taking over control of the Black Panthers."

"President Obama said he's going to take care of all Americans just like he takes care of his own family. It's comforting to know that the worst that can happen to us now is ending up homeless in Kenya."

"Michelle Obama is also here tonight. The first lady just taped an episode of 'Sesame Street' but walked off the set after seeing a segment featuring the Count holding photos of Barack's cabinet members and saying, 'Two … two tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah. Three … three tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah …'"

"In closing, I'd like to say thank you to the man who is responsible for all this. I'd like to, but George Soros isn't here tonight. They don't let George and Barack in the same room anymore because the last time they did, Joe Biden got tangled up in the puppet strings."
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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's pub when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to
come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.