Jokes

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GM's New 2010 Obama Model
The new GM (Government Motors) proudly introduces the 2010 Obama . . .



This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels . . . rear end steering of course . . .that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. It comes complete with two teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the happy Democrat owners. Definitely a partisan car.

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Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.


In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.



In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'


In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog **** off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog **** on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.



In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
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Sometimes it pays to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their seventieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it
home.

There, she counted the money -- seventy-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
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Don't know if this is just a coincidence , but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this? ...

It gets worse next year... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
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Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7 . When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

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Little Johnny came home from school with a BIG smile on his face. His Mother noticed this, and asked him, "Why the big grin, Johnny?"

"I showed Sally Brown my weenie today at the playground!" proudly replied Johnny.

Before his mother could say a word, Johnny went on to say, "She said it reminded her of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, his Mom asked, "Really? She thought it was small, did she?"

"No..... salty."

Mom fainted.
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Quotes about dogs.....

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry

"And nobody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."-Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." -Unknown

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein
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Obama Says Sotomayor’s “Castrate White Males” Comment Taken Out of Context

June 2, 2009

WASHINGTON - President Obama said that comments by Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor in a 2004 speech in which she called for the “castration of all white males until they no longer hold power,” have been “taken out of context” by right wing ideologues.

In the speech delivered to the San Juan chapter of NOW, Sotomayor said, “I want to be perfectly clear about this next comment so that there is no mistaking that my words mean something other than what they plainly say: the time has come to limit white male oppression by castrating every white male until they are no longer dominant in Western culture. That means forcible removal of their testicles. I realize the brutality of my comment, but I mean exactly what I say.”

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs agreed with President Obama that the statement has been taken out of context, and added that Sotomayor “certainly” did not mean that white males should be castrated. “Judge Sotomayor was simply saying that there should be room at the American table for diverse cultures.”

President Obama told MSNBC: ”Look, when she’s appearing before the Senate committee in her confirmation process, all this nonsense that is being spewed out will be revealed for what it is.”
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This just in...

After his election, the U.S. Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.

But there was a problem. It seems that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $4.73 million in congressional hearings, a special Presidential Commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
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Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. What's toilet paper?

Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
A. None, American Government can do it all by themselves, thank you.

Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, “I heard you were planning to leave me?”

She replied, “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!”

Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."

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10 Latest financial news items
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off

2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate

3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.

4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money

5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America’s third biggest lender.

7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.

9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".

10. Quote from a Wall Street banker:
This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half of my assets and I still have my wife…!!!!

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A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladiesis hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, whenfinally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; she goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those f@@@ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replied, "Well, you know, that's your problem.You should have taken golf lessons instead."
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A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty, decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
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A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted
to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass
while he is on fire.
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Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'

"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm' there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
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Remarkable Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr Common Sense.

Mr Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable Parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only to worsened his condition.

Mr Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter Responsibility and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

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Old 'Burma Shave' Roadway Signs!

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME IN ANOTHER CAR. Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND A LITTLE MORE STEER Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave

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Mental test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?
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A married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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The main cause of traffic accidents.......







Threat Levels


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level... New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the
airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
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A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.

This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"
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One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

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[FWB]

nice!.............been that way for a while it seems

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A guy was driving through an intersection when a traffic camera flashed.
He thought his picture had just been taken for exceeding the speed
limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot
again, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he
drove past the area another time, but the traffic camera flashed yet
again.
He even tried this a fourth time with the exact same result. The fifth
time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a
snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic citations in the mail for driving
without a seat belt.
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SPECIAL MESSAGE TO MEMBERS - PLEASE SELL YOUR COBRA IF THIS HAPPENS TO YOU.......http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/

Thanks, Management.
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A guy orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens.

So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license.

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The Rabbi"s Hat

One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away.. He just couldn"t catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man"s head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.

The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man."I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of " Top Hat" was running. The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field."

After saving the rabbi"s hat, having received the rabbi"s blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing " Top Hat" in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat." "An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came, in first by 5 lengths."

"You must have made a fortune," said the father.

"Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son. "In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of "Stetson" was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1". Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi"s blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father. "Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!" "Are you telling me you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father. "No," said the son. "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named "Chateau," which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on Chateau. But the horse broke down and came in last."

"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau" you moron," said the father. "You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"

The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named 'Yarmalka'"
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Two medical students were walking down the street and saw an old man walking with his legs apart.

He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend, 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people
walk just like that.'

The other student said, 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly
and his legs are apart just as we learned in class.'

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you have. Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said, 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think.'

One of the students said, 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought.... but you are wrong.'

Then the other student said, 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.'

The old man said, 'You are both wrong.'
They asked him, 'Well, old timer, what do you have?'

The old man said, 'I thought it was GAS......., but I was wrong too.'
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President Obama was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the President of The United States.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, $200.

To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my
taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as
the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of energy and
screw me the way you have the Country, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody cent!'
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year the Wong’s have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?



Sum Ting Wong

[tfalk]

What do God and Obama have in common: Neither has a birth certificate



What is the difference between God and Obama : God does not want to be Obama

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In Texas, a woman was called in front of a grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger in the back six times as he was running away with her purse. He had grabbed her purse and ran. She had her hand on her gun inside the purse and when he ran with the purse she was left holding just the gun.


When asked by the grand jury why she shot him six times, in the back as he was running, under oath she replied "Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."

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Why did the caveman pull their women around by the hair?

Cuz, if they pulled them around by the leg, they would fill up with sand.
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A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*tch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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[cobra de capell]

How the economy works......

It is the month of August, a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake.

It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig raiser. The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

By the way, the hotel is called HOTEL HOPEYCHANGE.

[cobra de capell]

Created or Saved

I’ve been a bit skeptical on how Obama keeps saying he’s “created or saved” different numbers of jobs, but the media seems credulous so I guess “created or saved” is a perfectly fine formulation. Thus we might as well apply the phrase to lots of different things.

* I decided not to be bloodthirsty against common nuisances today and created or saved three squirrels.

* By not going to McDonalds, I created or saved two cheeseburgers and a large fry.

* Deciding against serial killing, i created or saved upwards of 33 people (I’m very smart and would not be easily caught).

* By proper use of braking on the way to work, I created or saved twelve automobiles.

* If Sotomayor were a little more careful, she could have created or saved one ankle.

* Cheney’s waterboarding terrorists created or saved thousands of Americans.

* By being a good dog, Rowdi created or saved the cat food.

* In the beginning, God created or saved the heavens and the earth.

* I slowed down in the school zone, creating or saving three children.

* Batman created or saved one city.

* By controlling my anger, I created or saved your face.

By not watching 0bama speak in Cairo, I saved one TV set from destruction.

* By not going fishing today, I saved 30 shrimp (bait) and Lord knows how many fish.

* By skipping lunch, I saved one hamburger for someone hungrier than me.

If only Bush had thought of the phrase. Then when people kept throwing out numbers of how many civilians were killed in Iraq he could respond with the number of Iraqis he created or saved.

[Dan40]

If only Bush had thought of the phrase. Then when people kept throwing out numbers of how many civilians were killed in Iraq he could respond with the number of Iraqis he created or saved.

That reminded me.
One day Cheney comes in the oval office and tells Pres Bush. "The report from Iraq today says we had 3 Brazilians got killed." Bush breaks into tears, sobbing uncontrollably for a while. Finally he regains some composure. "That is horrible news, the worst I've ever heard!" "I forget, how many is a brazillion?"

[cobra de capell]

Public Safety Message.....

The first testicular guard "Jock strap & Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important?
_____

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