Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Created or Saved

I’ve been a bit skeptical on how Obama keeps saying he’s “created or saved” different numbers of jobs, but the media seems credulous so I guess “created or saved” is a perfectly fine formulation. Thus we might as well apply the phrase to lots of different things.

* I decided not to be bloodthirsty against common nuisances today and created or saved three squirrels.

* By not going to McDonalds, I created or saved two cheeseburgers and a large fry.

* Deciding against serial killing, i created or saved upwards of 33 people (I’m very smart and would not be easily caught).

* By proper use of braking on the way to work, I created or saved twelve automobiles.

* If Sotomayor were a little more careful, she could have created or saved one ankle.

* Cheney’s waterboarding terrorists created or saved thousands of Americans.

* By being a good dog, Rowdi created or saved the cat food.

* In the beginning, God created or saved the heavens and the earth.

* I slowed down in the school zone, creating or saving three children.

* Batman created or saved one city.

* By controlling my anger, I created or saved your face.

By not watching 0bama speak in Cairo, I saved one TV set from destruction.

* By not going fishing today, I saved 30 shrimp (bait) and Lord knows how many fish.

* By skipping lunch, I saved one hamburger for someone hungrier than me.

If only Bush had thought of the phrase. Then when people kept throwing out numbers of how many civilians were killed in Iraq he could respond with the number of Iraqis he created or saved.

[Dan40]

If only Bush had thought of the phrase. Then when people kept throwing out numbers of how many civilians were killed in Iraq he could respond with the number of Iraqis he created or saved.

That reminded me.
One day Cheney comes in the oval office and tells Pres Bush. "The report from Iraq today says we had 3 Brazilians got killed." Bush breaks into tears, sobbing uncontrollably for a while. Finally he regains some composure. "That is horrible news, the worst I've ever heard!" "I forget, how many is a brazillion?"

[cobra de capell]

Public Safety Message.....

The first testicular guard "Jock strap & Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important?
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Looking for a dream job?

http://averagjoe.com/clips/massaggiatore.wmv

[cobra de capell]

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”
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What’s got four legs and one arm?

A happy pit bull.
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[cobra de capell]

An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained “That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said “Well, will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
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Most people assume there's a motion sensor in the auto-flush doodads that are becoming so prevalent in public crappers. Nope. There's actually a little camera in there that is connected to the local offices of the Automated Servo Sequencers for a Healthier Overall Lifestyle and Everyday Satisfaction (ASSHOLES), a branch of the taxpayer-funded Idealistic Groupies for the National Office for Retrofitting America’s Nonstandard Toilets (IGNORANT). There's someone in the IGNORANT ASSHOLES office watching your butt on a 52" 1080p Hi-Def video monitor. When you finish your business, they are supposed to push a button which causes the head to flush.

These IGNORANT ASSHOLES work a 3-hour per day shift with two 30-minute breaks and an hour and a half for lunch. They are also on a 3-day work week and get 24 weeks of paid vacation plus 18 weeks of sick leave each year. IGNORANT ASSHOLES are paid by the number of times they push their buttons, so many just continually push without regard to actual need. Inappropriate use of equipment by taxpayer-funded personnel without regard to actual need is known as Better Service (BS) by IGNORANT ASSHOLES.

Most IGNORANT ASSHOLES think their working conditions are in violation of the Federal Legislation Upcoming in the Senate and House (FLUSH), so the bill has been tabled and is being rewritten. As a result, the general public is often splattered because of uncontrolled BS and the lack of a good FLUSH.

IGNORANT ASSHOLES claim to be so overworked the Colossal Omnibus Non-worker Gratification by Redistributing Everyoneelse's Salary Service (CONGRESS) and President Barack Obama (BO) were notified. CONGRESS and BO heavily courted IGNORANT ASSHOLES in the last election by offering an increase in benefits and an exemption from doing any work whatsoever. It is well known that CONGRESS and BO will bail out IGNORANT ASSHOLES by implementing a new BS tax.

It has never been reported by the Crapper Benevolence Society (CBS) or any of the other No Evidence Wanted or Solicited (NEWS) outlets, but CONGRESS and BO relied heavily on IGNORANT ASSHOLES and BS to get elected.
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The Queen and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Madame Speaker and The Queen, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Queen, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every democrat in the crowd go wild?"

She doubts it, so she shows her. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd.. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Queen, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what she could do..

"That was impressive, the Queen says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." < br> The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Queen slapped her.
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A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl, leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve ever seen a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page...So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”
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[twobjshelbys]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers
above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son.....

'Go get your Mother.

[cobra de capell]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.'
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~

My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give
him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
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Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past. They have always been beyond my means but I took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. I stated the car must be a republican car. He asked why I thought it was a republican car, and I explained if it were a democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your a$$ all year.
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
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A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the
hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful
Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No,
I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What
in tarnation is a
taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
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Just wanted to let you know I received my stimulus package yesterday...

It contained watermelon seeds, Cornbread mix, and Ten coupons to KFC.

Directions were in Spanish.
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Psalm 2008 - 2012

PSALM 2008-2012: FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT

OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD,
I SHALL NOT WANT.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE,
I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.
OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME
ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.
THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER
IN A RENTED HOME.
BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG
AND OBAMA WAS A TREE

'A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.'
-Thomas Jefferson -

[cobra de capell]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED …


10. Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
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A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon".

"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell".

"The nut has gone to heaven."
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Aluminum Foil TIP

Was this something we were supposed to learn from our Mom's?????
I can't believe it's been there all this time.

I had to go into the kitchen and check this out for myself.

Whoever looks at the end of your aluminum foil box?
You know when you try to pull some foil out and the roll comes out of the box.
Then you have to put the roll back in the box and start over.
The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.
Well, I would like to share this with you.
Yesterday I went to throw out an empty Reynolds foil box and for some reason I turned it, and looked at the end of the box. And written on the end it said, Press here to lock end.
Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lock the roll in place.
How long has this little locking tab been there?
I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too.
I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too!
I can't count the number of times the Saran wrap roll has jumped out,
when I was trying to cover something up.
I'm sharing this with my friends.
I hope I'm not the only person that didn't know about this. Þ

I know you're going to go and check your boxes, so go ahead!
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Time to Reevaluate United States involvement



Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have sloppy leadership.

Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized.

Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, from which we are supposed to bail them out.

Why are we still there?

There are many hostile religious sects, which we do not understand.

Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.

Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

It is becoming VERY clear . . . WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA ! ! !
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