Jokes

[cobra de capell]

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”
_____

What’s got four legs and one arm?

A happy pit bull.
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[cobra de capell]

An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained “That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said “Well, will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
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Most people assume there's a motion sensor in the auto-flush doodads that are becoming so prevalent in public crappers. Nope. There's actually a little camera in there that is connected to the local offices of the Automated Servo Sequencers for a Healthier Overall Lifestyle and Everyday Satisfaction (ASSHOLES), a branch of the taxpayer-funded Idealistic Groupies for the National Office for Retrofitting America’s Nonstandard Toilets (IGNORANT). There's someone in the IGNORANT ASSHOLES office watching your butt on a 52" 1080p Hi-Def video monitor. When you finish your business, they are supposed to push a button which causes the head to flush.

These IGNORANT ASSHOLES work a 3-hour per day shift with two 30-minute breaks and an hour and a half for lunch. They are also on a 3-day work week and get 24 weeks of paid vacation plus 18 weeks of sick leave each year. IGNORANT ASSHOLES are paid by the number of times they push their buttons, so many just continually push without regard to actual need. Inappropriate use of equipment by taxpayer-funded personnel without regard to actual need is known as Better Service (BS) by IGNORANT ASSHOLES.

Most IGNORANT ASSHOLES think their working conditions are in violation of the Federal Legislation Upcoming in the Senate and House (FLUSH), so the bill has been tabled and is being rewritten. As a result, the general public is often splattered because of uncontrolled BS and the lack of a good FLUSH.

IGNORANT ASSHOLES claim to be so overworked the Colossal Omnibus Non-worker Gratification by Redistributing Everyoneelse's Salary Service (CONGRESS) and President Barack Obama (BO) were notified. CONGRESS and BO heavily courted IGNORANT ASSHOLES in the last election by offering an increase in benefits and an exemption from doing any work whatsoever. It is well known that CONGRESS and BO will bail out IGNORANT ASSHOLES by implementing a new BS tax.

It has never been reported by the Crapper Benevolence Society (CBS) or any of the other No Evidence Wanted or Solicited (NEWS) outlets, but CONGRESS and BO relied heavily on IGNORANT ASSHOLES and BS to get elected.
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The Queen and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Madame Speaker and The Queen, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Queen, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every democrat in the crowd go wild?"

She doubts it, so she shows her. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd.. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Queen, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what she could do..

"That was impressive, the Queen says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." < br> The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Queen slapped her.
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A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl, leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve ever seen a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page...So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”
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[cobra de capell]

What me Worry?

[cobra de capell]

The first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanjan entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh%t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson, to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher slumped on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh%t, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American taxpayers, during the 2009 bailouts."
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[cobra de capell]

Old Jews Telling Jokes


A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar.


"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine."
"I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer."
"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."
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A Jewish mother gives her son two shirts for his birthday.

The next morning, he comes down to breakfast wearing one of them.

“I knew it!” she moans. “You didn’t like the other one.”
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A manager brings a dog into a night club to perform. The dog is a brilliant piano player---Bach, Beethoven, the works. He's sitting at the piano playing and all of a sudden a big bushy-haired dog comes in and yanks him off the stool and starts dragging him to the door. The owner, horrified, runs to the dog's manager and screams, "Hey, what's goin' on?"
The managers says, "Ah, they want him to be a doctor."
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Jake has just returned home for lunch with his wife and two children from the local Catholic parish church where he has been taking instructions to convert from Judaism to Catholicism.

Today was the day of his baptism, so he was now a committed Catholic.

Lunch had barely begun when his wife said, “Jake, we’ve been married for 22 years now and you’ve never given me money to buy decent clothes. Now that you’re a Catholic give me $100.

Jake gave her the $100 and she dashed out the door.

Daughter Rachael then said, “Dad you’ve never even given me an allowance. Now that you’re a Catholic I want $50 to spend on whatever I want.”

Jake gave Rachael the $50 and she then dropped her fork and ran out the door.

That left Jake and his 17-year-old son.

“Dad, I have never had a decent date where I could spend a few bucks and now that you’re a Catholic how about giving me $50 so I can show my girl friend a good time.”

Jake gave his son, Joel, $50 and watched as Joel ran from the table and out the door.

Jake sat there a few minutes, all by himself, and glanced at his watch.

“I’ve been a Catholic for less than an hour and already these damned jews have taken me for 200 bucks!”
_____

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man, “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said, “Yes”, and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, “Do you see what’s going on in Poland?” The other says, “I live in the back, I don’t see anything.”
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A man can’t find a lawyer. He picks up the Yellow Pages and he sees the firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. Calls them up and says, “Is Mr. Schwartz in?”
“No he’s out playing golf.”
“Well, is Mr. Schwartz in?”
“No, he left the firm.”
“Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.”
“He is in Detroit and will not be back until next week.”
Ok, how about Mr. Schwartz, then?”
“Speaking.”
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The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, “Don’t sit down.”

The food on the plane was fit for a king. “Here, King.”

A panhandler says to me, “Mister, I haven’t tasted food for a week.”
I said, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a a sign saying, “Drink Canada Dry”; so he went up there.

My mother was 88 years old, she never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle.
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Moishe, the Tailor, finds out his best friend has been bedding his wife.

He spots the guy the next day, and infuriated, grabs him by the lapels and start yelling at him: “You BUM!, You RAT!, say, you call this a lapel?”
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Morris and Abe are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign outside that says, “$1000 to any Jew who converts.” Morris says, “Abe, do you think they’ll really pay it?”

Abe says, “you wait out here. I’ll go in, tell them I want to convert, and I’ll see if they pay me.”

Morris waits outside. And waits. And waits. Finally, two hours later, Abe comes out. Morris asks, “Abe, did they pay you $1000?”

Abe says, “you Jews! All you ever think about is money!”
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Two Jewish tailors who were talking and one says that he just came back from a trip to Rome where he saw the Pope.

The other one says: "What kind of man was he?"

"42 long".
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Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals.*(You might want to see a specialist.)

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says, “There is no self.” So, maybe we’re off the hook.

Who/What is That?

A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase. At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous Customs officer who glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"

Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin. "What is that"
snarled the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."

"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"

Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that" said the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."

"I always knew that you Russian Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and
then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.

"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?', You should ask 'What is that?'. That is five kilos of gold"

[cobra de capell]

DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH

A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunchtime, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years.

The two of them never spoke.

One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzellady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
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An interesting analysis...

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship, it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer 's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years. (a $41.7 million savings).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no *****ing and complaining or 'honey-do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when asked. All at 1/7th the cost, and no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
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C-130 vs. F-16

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled, 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
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The lawn mower experience



We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
into the ground. The ground rod is the key - the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger
is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow, on fire, on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where
time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just
crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in
reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block
Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over - which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[cobra de capell]

Just a thought.

Did you ever think that President Obama signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?
_____

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better lookin', it would lift itself."
_____

Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, May 29, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wall-Mart Without Stopping?
Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
_____

I wonder if they come in different colors?
I wonder about the fragrance?
I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water?
I wonder if they bloom?
I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry?
I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?
I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?

Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd, in Fishers, Indiana .
The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES!!!!!

[cobra de capell]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'






Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.
_____

First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing, because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs.
_____
Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living
objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over
inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain
water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for
picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at
all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
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[cobra de capell]

A citizen summoned for jury duty in Montana asked to be excused with this:


http://averagjoe.com/0617f1

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of North Carolina and Georgia, and was on the first tour of her new territory, when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'

(City folks are so dumb!)
_____

The real meaning of words.....(not a joke)
http://kez57.bravehost.com/words.htm
_____

[Ron61]

SARAH CROSSES PARTY LINE....

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party.

Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.

For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska , the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt,
Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain theirwives and daughters while the hunters are afield.

That Sarah is such a sport and she thinks of everything! What a lady!!!

[cobra de capell]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.. The couple had been married for 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host saying, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head, "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is.
_____

EFFECTIVE NOW!!!!!!

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
_____

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story:

'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
_____

[Ron61]

~ Grandmas don't know everything ~


Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with
his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for
a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to
tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, okay,' and went back
outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

[cobra de capell]

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
.
.
.
.
.
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
_____

Why do they call her a wife?
.
.
.
.
Because all the other four-letter words were taken
_____

Government organization is like a tree full of monkeys,
all on different limbs at different levels, some
climbing up, some fooling around, some simply
just idling.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree
full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see
nothing but "a*******."
_____

Apparently the American Medical Association has just weighed in on the new economic stimulus package . . .

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .
____

[cobra de capell]

Teenagers are better than Congress because. . .

1. Teens can be forced to take care of their own dirty laundry.

2. When caught in a lie, teens will admit it.

3. No one forces us to give teens more money to waste.

4. Most teens are smart enough to read something before they sign it.

5. Teens do not cuss as much when they think nobody else is listening.

6. It's easier to find out who teens are talking to on their cell phones.

7. When we get tired of hearing it, teens can be sent to their rooms.

8. Everyone understands teens need supervision when they handle weapons.

9. Teens only think they know better, Congress is convinced they do.

10. Teens grow up.
_____

In honor of Obama's big game kill the other day heard and seen 'round the world, Barry had the white house taxidermist do some handiwork on the offending Tabanus americanus and pulled out an Old Truman Wolverine Head from the white house basement to give the former China Room a new look

[FWB]

i like it...............

[cobra de capell]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.

All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife s soul, your children s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what s the catch?"
_____

If you receive an Email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu, ignore it.

It’s just Spam.
_____

[cobra de capell]

From England....

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.

The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"There's a starting annual salary of £85,000, but you're going to have to go to Glasgow."

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."
_____

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence.
He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it is deemed too dangerous and could cut something.
He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal.
His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.
While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.
They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence.
He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the State for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives.
If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense.
Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again.
The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة منالخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج من الثمن. ماهو الربح
_____

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male of female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
_____

[cobra de capell]

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But, so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
______

How to much sure men wash their hands....



Talk about backasswords....this seems to fit the definition...

[cobra de capell]

Q: Why is Obama going to let the North Korean missile hit Hawaii?
A: Because then he can say that THEY destroyed his Birth Certificate!

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, “Hey, where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “ Kenya ... they’re all over the place!”

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you.
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed.
When he finally regained consciousness, he re-focused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien "He dam near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines"
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills..
Enjoy!


1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin' girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon..

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

[cobra de capell]

A Modern Version of "Who's On First?"

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I wan t to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
_____

What do you get.......

... when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a Mac?

A system that will never go down on anybody.
_____

This is of particular importance for those using public transportation to and from work. Subways are known to lurch back and forth when approaching or leaving stations. This is how to avoid falling when said lurching occurs.