Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by a immigration Agent at the Tijuana-San Diego border.

"May I see your identification, por favor, señor?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border ," said the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other."

"This I must see," replied the agent. With that, the American dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago , Senor."

"Thanks!" he said. "But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!"
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In a rural TV program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your t$ts twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
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THE HAIRCUT AND IMPORTANT LESSON


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
The barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, The barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The congressman was very happy and left
the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
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And so it starts:

Farrah Fawcett arrives at Heaven.

After entering the Pearly Gates, St Peter welcomes Farrah and tells her she can have one wish granted for her long suffering. Without hesitation she wished that all the children in the world would be safe!

Back on earth at that very moment, Michael Jackson dropped dead.

Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he needed someone good to make a pitch for him to God.

Poor Billy Mays never knew what hit him...
_____

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Ron61]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside 20 of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
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--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclu de certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman