Jokes

[twobjshelbys]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers
above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son.....

'Go get your Mother.

[cobra de capell]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.'
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~

My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give
him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
_____

Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past. They have always been beyond my means but I took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. I stated the car must be a republican car. He asked why I thought it was a republican car, and I explained if it were a democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your a$$ all year.
_____

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
_____

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the
hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful
Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No,
I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What
in tarnation is a
taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
_____

Just wanted to let you know I received my stimulus package yesterday...

It contained watermelon seeds, Cornbread mix, and Ten coupons to KFC.

Directions were in Spanish.
_____

Psalm 2008 - 2012

PSALM 2008-2012: FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT

OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD,
I SHALL NOT WANT.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE,
I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.
OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME
ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.
THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER
IN A RENTED HOME.
BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG
AND OBAMA WAS A TREE

'A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.'
-Thomas Jefferson -

[cobra de capell]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED …


10. Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
_____

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon".

"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell".

"The nut has gone to heaven."
_____

Aluminum Foil TIP

Was this something we were supposed to learn from our Mom's?????
I can't believe it's been there all this time.

I had to go into the kitchen and check this out for myself.

Whoever looks at the end of your aluminum foil box?
You know when you try to pull some foil out and the roll comes out of the box.
Then you have to put the roll back in the box and start over.
The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.
Well, I would like to share this with you.
Yesterday I went to throw out an empty Reynolds foil box and for some reason I turned it, and looked at the end of the box. And written on the end it said, Press here to lock end.
Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lock the roll in place.
How long has this little locking tab been there?
I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too.
I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too!
I can't count the number of times the Saran wrap roll has jumped out,
when I was trying to cover something up.
I'm sharing this with my friends.
I hope I'm not the only person that didn't know about this. Þ

I know you're going to go and check your boxes, so go ahead!
_____

Time to Reevaluate United States involvement



Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have sloppy leadership.

Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized.

Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, from which we are supposed to bail them out.

Why are we still there?

There are many hostile religious sects, which we do not understand.

Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.

Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

It is becoming VERY clear . . . WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA ! ! !
_____

[cobra de capell]

Doctor's Advice!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat
more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - A glass of wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[cobra de capell]

I was on a date with this really attractive girl. Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.

Then the plane landed.
_____

I started writing poetry the other day:

POETR

That's coming along nicely.
_____

What's hit more balls than David Beckhams right foot?


Elton Johns chin!
_____

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
_____

Yesterday I shot a little girl, held her under water for 5 minutes then hung her.

I love the euphemisms of being a photographer.
_____

[cobra de capell]

I took a friend out to lunch today and pointed out that they had tongue on the menu. She said Eww please, I'm not going to eat something that came out of a cow's mouth. I'll just have an egg salad sandwich.
_____

Feeling down??

Fed up???

Need cheering up???

Well here's the answer....................


Watch your wedding video backwards, you'll love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks out of the church jumps in the car and f**ks off!!
_____

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
_____

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?













About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
_____

Why is it better to fall into a vat of concentrated sulfuric acid than into a vat of molten optical glass?

It is commendable to be part of the solution, but there is no point in making a spectacle of yourself.
_____

The Women's Historical Society located Tom Dooley's gravesite and sought permission to have his body exhumed.

They wanted to know how he was hung.
_____

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving money.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.



Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

[cobra de capell]

"Dad's Baldness"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning
and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy,
why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he
asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with
herself for coming up with a good answer to her
husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and
asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
_____

It was the first day of class, and the first-grade teacher wanted to see what sort of pupils she had on her hands. So she gave a little quiz:

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
2. What is 1+1?

She got back the following papers:

1. A schoolteacher.
2. 2.

1. A computer programmer.
2. 10 in binary; 2 in octal, decimal, or hex.

1. A physicist.
2. You haven't told me how accurately those 1's were measured.

1. A mathematician.
2. 2, unless you are working in a field of characteristic 0.

1. An accountant.
2. What answer do you want?
_____

"Dear Potential Investor"

I know you are always looking for sound opportunities
for investment.

I don't know if you would be interested in this,
but I thought I would mention it to you because
it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of
money with very little investment.

A group of us are considering investing in a large
cat ranch near Hermosille, Mexico. It is our
purpose to start rather small, with about one
million cats. Each cat averages about twelve
kittens each year; skins can be sold for about
20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents
for the black. This will give us 12 million cat
skins per year to sell at an average price of
around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3
million a year. This really averages out to $10
thousand a day - excluding Sundays and holidays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats
per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take
663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit
would be over $8,200 per day.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively.
Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We
would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If
we start with a million rats, we will have four rats
per cat each day. The rats will be fed on the
carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give
each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this
that this business is a clean operation -- self-
supporting and really automatic throughout. The
cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats
and we will get the skins.

Let me know if you are interested; as you can
imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get
into this, and want the fewest investors possible.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with
snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a
year! This would save the labor costs of skinning
as well as give me two skins for one cat.

May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity?

Sincerely,

The CatWoman
_____

The Theory of Banking or How Banks Make Money

Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?
A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same $100 isn't it?
A: Yes, but....

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?
A: Theoretically....

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that....

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?
A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they'll let you have some other customer's money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too... and they've already let me have it?
A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
A. YOU GOT IT!

[cobra de capell]

A retired man....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Ron


Update:

Ron died suddenly on the 4th of July of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
_____

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,
'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.'
_____

There is an old saying, that you leave this world the same way you entered it. If this really is the case, imagine the shock Michael Jackson's ghost had, waking up to find out he was a black male again.
_____

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.


Each priest had a small bell attached to his pecker, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.


The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo.


Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage .


Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.
_____

[cobra de capell]

"Government Planning"

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received
a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising
hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that
I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly
not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1998,
until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment
and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
The Farmer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.
_____

[cobra de capell]

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but was not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to Saint Peter, who told him his only course of action was to appeal. The lawyer immediately appealed and was told it would take 3 years to hear his appeal. The attorney protested that this was unconscionable, but to no avail.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil who told him that he could have the appeal heard within a few days if the lawyer would change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals were heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told "We have all the judges."
_____

Father (after being denied access to his children and having all his assets seized): Can I address the court?

Judge: Of course.

Father: If I called you a son of a *****, what would you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and sentence you to five days in jail.

Father: What if I thought you were a son of a *****?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

Father: In that case, I think you're a son of a *****.
_____

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Your honor.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Q. Why doesn't Obama pray? A. It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate? A. It got mixed in with his Rezko mortgage records and shredded.

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A. He accidentally smoked it.

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? A. Because it would be racist.

Anagram: President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish



Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common? A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Q. Why doesn’t Barack drink Pepsi? A. He thinks that things go better with coke.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? A: Barack Obama.

Proof that Barack is the Obamessiah: Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake. Obama created new states from out of the void. Obama turned whine into Kool-Aid® for his followers. Obama came to us carried upon a donkey. Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men. Obama was stoned and yet he has risen. Obama's flock has millions of sheep. Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms. You must have no other candidates before Obama. Obama will raise voters from the dead. Count on it

Q. Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama? A. Because Jimmy didn't want to be the worst President in history.

Q. Why did Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he was running out of George Bush jokes.

Q. Why did David Letterman vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he was running out of Jay Leno's George Bush jokes.

Q. Why did Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama? A. Because she was running out of other crazy things to do.

Q. Why did Senator Ted Kennedy vote for Barack Obama? A. Brain tumor.

Obama is so pretty that Bill Clinton wants to intern for him

Obama is so pretty that he gives John Edwards makeup tips

Q. Why did the Secret Service install lighting rods at the White House? A. To protect President Obama as he took his Oath of Office.

Q. Why does Obama want a 40% tax on aspirin? A. Because it's white, and it works.

A recession is when your neighbor is out of work.

A depression is when you are out of work.

A recovery is when Obama is out of work.

[cobra de capell]

An elderly couple is sitting on the front porch one afternoon.

The man says, "$uck you."

A few moments later, the old woman says, "$uck you."

The old man pauses and says, "You know, I just don't get this oral sex thing."
_____

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
_____

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
_____

Jack owned an adult toy store and he had just opened store last Friday morning.

A woman comes in and is shopping around. She sees a pink dildo on a shelf and ask the price.

"$12.95," he said.

She bought it and left the store.

Then another woman comes in and she looks around and spots a pretty blue one on the back wall.

"How much for the pretty blue one back there?" she asked.

He said, "$25.00."

"Oh isn't that kind of expensive?" she asked.

"Well, it has a vibrator in it."

She thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll take it." She paid for it and left the store, too.

He looked at the clock and it had been open only 30 minutes when another woman walked in the door.

She looked around quickly and said, "I want that one that is green with the silver top on it. The one that's back there on that table."

He said, "Lady, I can't sell you that!"

She said, "Why not I will give you $150.00 for it."

He sold it to her and she left the store. Minutes later he closed the shop and went home.

His wife said, "You're home very early. What happened?"

He said, "I sold my thermos for $150.00!"

[Ron61]

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins
Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor:

"Barocky Road."

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and
surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually
denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone,
but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line
behind you.
You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone
with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated?

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Let's compare.....

[cobra de capell]

Police Comments


The following police comments were actually taken off of police car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a
9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket,
huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K.,
I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another
ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore.
We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as
many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."



And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women
tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
______

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were walking along and the Priest spots a 12 year old boy..He speaks out to the Rabbi and says " Do You want to Screw him ?
The Rabbi turns to the Priest and says "Outta What"
_____

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
_____

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart a** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
_____

[cobra de capell]

WARNING - Male Bashing.....

1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.



2. Men are like
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change
them.



4. Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure
why.



5. Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.

6. Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they
say.


7. Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like
Government Bonds
They take soooooooo long to
mature.


9. Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.



10. Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.



11. Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.



12. Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped.
_____

Three little ducks go into a bar...............................




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out
of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
_____
What do a Condom and Camera have in common?

They both capture the moment.
_____
A Love Story


A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
rubbing histesticles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why
do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
_____

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him:

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!"
_____

Cinderella's getting ready for the ball and her Fairie Godmother tells her she needs one more thing: a diaphragm.
She lifts her skirts, lays back on the bed and F/G slides it into position.
"Now if you don't come back by midnight, it will turn into a pumpkin!" F/G shakes her wand at the young girl.
"I'll be home in time! Bye-bye!" And Cinderella runs off.

11:30 pm - No sign of her.
12:00 mn - No sign of her. F/G is nervous.
1:00 am - No sign of her. F/G starts to pace the floor.
2:00 am - No sign of her. F/G is running out of fingernails to chew on.

Finally at 3:30 in the morning, Cinderella stumbles in with her dress ripped and a thoroughly satisfied expression on her face. She collapses on her bed and F/G starts blotting her sweaty face with a towel.

"Are you O.K., dearie? I got worried when you didn't make it home." Cinderella giggled and hugged the older woman.
"I'm fine, Fairie Godmother. And I met the greatest man in the whole world! I want to marry him!"
"You met Prince Charming?" G/F sat down on the edge of the bed and slid Cinderella's shoes off. Cinderella shook her head.

"No, Fairie Godmother. His name was Peter. Peter-Peter... something or other! He's perfect!"

[cobra de capell]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.....................

'Grandpa ....... Go home! You're drunk'
_____

Man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am, but let me ask you
something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then,
why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
______

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when 40 people from Detroit showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's Door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, St. Peter returned to God, breathless, and said, 'They're gone!'

'What? All of the Detroiters are gone?' asked God.

'No!' replied Saint Peter. 'The Pearly Gates!'
______

Subject: Garden of Eden Story


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see, where did I put the useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the story about the rib?
_____

[cobra de capell]

(2009-07-21) — Republicans in Congress have attached a provision to the massive health care reform bill providing funding for experimental drugs and therapies to mitigate the effects of O.F.S. (Obama Fatigue Syndrome), a collection of often-painful symptoms apparently brought on by over-exposure to the ubiquitous President Barack Obama.

In recent days, the president has appeared on television, on radio, on stage at a country music tribute, on a conference call with left-wing bloggers, and at a Japanese Steakhouse where he was seen tossing sauteed shrimp from the tip of a large knife into the mouths of middle-aged divorced women while keeping up an entertaining banter about the urgency of the moment.

Mr. Obama has worked, perhaps harder than any modern president, to make sure that the people know that he’s there for them, almost-literally all of the time. But medical experts say his ‘omnipresidency’ may also have a down side.

“Too much of anything can cause trouble in the human body,” said an unnamed researcher at the National Institutes of Health. “Even a gentle caress, with incessant repetition, can become an annoyance, then a raspberry abrasion, then an open weeping sore, then gangrene.”

[FWB]

this could be a thread all its own.....