Jokes

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Q: How can you tell when a woman has had an orgasm during sex?

A: Who cares?
_____

The 11th Husband.....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.



"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it. --- God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

What's a man to do?

Sooner or later every man comes to a crossroad in his life, and he faces a difficult choice.

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia , from Ohio . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000. per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'
_____

AMA Health Care Plan

Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care plan...


The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the @holes in Washington.

[cobra de capell]

Old, but.....

The balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
_____

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"
_____

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole, now
living in Duluth, MN) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times,
looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of
disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his
hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach
raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the
pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out
of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got

me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last
ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard
as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own
nuts!"
_____

How is marriage like a tornado?


It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing... then you lose your house.
_____

A husband ask his wife how come she never tells him when she has an orgasam to which she replied "your always at work."
_____

What's the difference between a slut and a *****?

A slut screws everybody, a ***** screws everybody but you.

[cobra de capell]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,

"Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
_____

Probably been posted before but here it is again....

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore::

TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED"

She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PICTORIALLY
SUPERIOR."

She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER"


TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a "BEER GUT"... He has developed a "LIQUID-GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."

He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
_____

[cobra de capell]

The doctor that had been seeing an 75-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through
these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old-granddaughter drinks. And, believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You "GOTTA" love Grandmas!
_____

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open
to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, a woman becomes Tibet ... Wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.




THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.


THE END.
_____

A far more accurate account in the Bears' house of the events on that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cats' litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

"I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO MAKE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!!!".
_____

[cobra de capell]

Jack 'Whaleman' Nicholson wallows in the waters of the French Riviera

[cobra de capell]

Harry and His wife were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

Harry suddenly said, "Dear, if I were to die unexpectedly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" asked his wife.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other ass@@le using my stuff...."

His wife looked at Harry and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another ass@@le?"
_____

DAUGHTER TO HER MOTHER:

"The bad news is, they want to raise taxes on the wealthy. The good news is, if you buy me everything I want, you'll never be wealthy!"
_____

THE FLORIDA RETIREMENT SCENE

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

'Who drives you to the beach?'
_____

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
_____

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Also, not a joke the new Ferrari 458 Italia .5-litre V8 engine produces 570hp (425kW) and 400lb-ft (540Nm) of torque, enough to blast the car to 62mph (100km/h) in less than 3.4 seconds and on to a 202mph (325km/h) top speed.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Jim and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Jim headed home totally frustrated. The following week when Jim's buddies arrived at the golf resort, they were shocked to see Jim sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!

"How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Jim?"

"I didn't have to," Jim replied. "Last I night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise!' When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'...... SO HERE I AM!"

[cobra de capell]

Never piss off a woman who owns a backhoe ...






Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer]














Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by
a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and
answered the question correctly.


If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.


If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off
my email list.

[cobra de capell]

I JUST HEARD THAT OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS!

Beer is better than Obama, because........

..soldiers like beer.

..... sailors like beer.

..... marines like beer.

..... beer doesn't come from Madrassas.

..... you know what's in beer.

..... beer won't take half your paycheck.

..... beer makes life a little better.

..... you're sad if there's no more beer.

..... beer doesn't lie.

..... beer doesn't have entitlement demands.

..... beer and whine don't mix.

..... beer has a pretty good head on it.

..... beer and bowling go together.

..... beer and arugula don't.

..... beer doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth.

..... beer doesn’t mind if you cling to your beer.

..... beer doesn’t trash talk you behind your back.

..... cold beer disproves the myth of man made global warming.

..... imported beer doesn’t pretend to be domestic.

..... beer likes it when I set my thermostat COLD.

..... beer is GREEN only on St. Patrick’s Day.

..... beer didn’t smoke pot and snort coke.

..... beer is better than Vichy Water.

..... beer is unpretentious.

..... people in small towns cling to God, guns and beer.

..... beer doesn't promise you a free lunch.

..... there ain't no Pabst Bilal* Ribbon. Not yet anyway. *"Bilal - Satisfies thirst; name of the Prophets Muezzin (one who calls for prayer)"

..... beer won’t throw you under the bus.

..... beer doesn't cut and run.

..... beer isn't phony.

..... beer doesn't flip-flop.

..... beer’s ingredients known for sure.

..... beer makes people happy.

..... beer is as American as apple pie.

..... beer isn't promoted on National Public Radio.

..... beer doesn't mind if you own an SUV.

..... beer doesn't care how much you make.

..... a beer won't blame America for 9/11.

..... beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.

..... beer isn't a lawyer.

..... beer comes with an expiration date.

..... beer and NASCAR go together.

..... you're not afraid to turn your back on a beer.

..... beers don't have friends who bombed the pentagon.

..... an empty beer is better than an empty suit.

..... beer minds its own business.

..... beer doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

..... beer is worth what you pay for it.

..... beer doesn't lecture you about "global warming."

..... beer doesn't care what color you are.

..... beer doesn't want to take away your gun.

..... beer is popular with working people.

..... beer isn't crazy.

..... beers don't start out as empties.

..... beers don't rig elections.

..... beers don't raise taxes.

..... beer and coke don't mix.

..... beer wants to make you sociable; Obama wants to make you socialist.

..... no matter how often you pee, you can't rid yourself of Obama.

..... a beer hangover means you had a good time; an Obama hangover means the good times are gone.

..... beer will make the ball game more fun; Obama will tax your balls off.

..... too much beer means some of us will occasionally have to say "I'm sorry." Too much Obama means we're all gonna be very, very sorry for a long, long time.
_________

[cobra de capell]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”



You know you’re from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy sitting in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m. wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?

14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: ‘STORM WATCH.’

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cellphones or iPods.

16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re here illegally, they want to give you one

[cobra de capell]

The first ship from Earth landed, and the inhabitants of the distant planet, after initial courtesies, gave their guests a tour. The Earthlings were particularly amazed at being shown a factory where babies were assembled. And how else, asked their host, would you do it? The answer led to some incredulity, and so, with some trepidation, a pair of Earthlings volunteered to give a demonstration. After it was over, one of the natives said "Remarkable. But where's the baby?" "You have to be patient. It takes 9 months." "But then why were you in such a hurry toward the end?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

[cobra de capell]

This poster is showing up all over LA, CA.





On the economy

"I've lost half my net worth and still have my wife."
_____

Funny Bumper Sticker

"Don't tell Obama what comes after a trillion"
_____

It was March 6, 1836.

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo.

He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said.........

'Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?'
_____

[cobra de capell]

WASHINGTON, DC ... August 2, 2009 ... As Congress adjourns for its summer recess, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has issued a statement on a new plan she promises to schedule a vote on upon Congress' return in September. The new plan -- Gold for Geezers -- would give participants as much as $4,500 for each senior citizen they turn-in to a new Department of Elderly Recycling for disposal.

"We know the Bush Reich is something we will be dismantling for the next eight years," said Pelosi. "As part of the Democrat Party recovery plan, we will introduce this program to help solve several vital issues, including skyrocking medical costs, over population, a need to turn to Green Energy, wrongthought, and a way to decrease the Bush Deficit."

A summary of the plan shows that once older, useless, costly seniors are turned-into a local facility, they will be given 20 minutes of peaceful images while they are "put to sleep." Afterwards, their bodies will be treated with amino acid ribonucelaic disassemblers and the resulting material used as fuel to produce green energy in plants being built by Al Gore's Green World Corporation.

The plan reveals that the Department of Education will coordinate a program by which school children will be encouraged to report any senior citizens who are living with them and may be reluctant to participate on their own. A new Students for Progress Corps, run by the White House, will be established to implement the plan.

"This is clearly a win-win," said the Speaker. "Households needing extra money because of eight years of Bush's destructive policies can receive as much as $ 4,500, depending upon the unproductivity of the oldster involved, and use that money for some worthwhile purchases, not to mention freeing-up that former parent's or grandparent's bedroom for more productive purposes."

A vote is expected this fall with passage considered likely. Congressmembers will be exempt from the program.

[cobra de capell]

Did you know:

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"F$%k off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking c$%ksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat f$%king, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?
_____

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said, 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got, did
Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'
_____

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the
summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing
a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said.
'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything
she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to Believe
all those dumb blonde jokes'.

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave
it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus.'

[cobra de capell]

how to get to heaven from Ireland

I was testing the children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumbo sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile, with a sense of pride in their understanding.

' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'



With the biggest smile on his face, six year-old Shamus O'Brien shouted out " YOU'VE GOTTA BE F'en' DEAD..........!"


Bless his little heart!
_____

A man explained inflation to his wife: "When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much."
_____

A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low
on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town,
let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the
name of the town on the depot sign?" The fireman replied, "It appears
to be Danzig in the dark." And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
_____

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
* * *
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
* * *
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
* * *
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
* * *
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
* * *
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
* * *
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
* * *
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

[cobra de capell]

Tips for traveling in the South



--If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.

-- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.

-- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

-- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

-- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

-- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

-- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.



-- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

-- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

-- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

______

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh yeah? Prove it."He frowned for a moment and said, "OK," then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.About half an hour later he returned all tired and sweaty. "Well, the cow and the sheep definitely didn't have one. But the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell!"
_____

It is near the end of the school year? The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,?" John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right? Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON? CAN I GO NOW?"