Jokes

[cobra de capell]

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it.

Let your next action reveal your true self .
_____

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for
Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his
papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent
over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently
farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the
room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but
somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He
ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to
be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit
her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under
cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr.
Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and
received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience,
one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me
isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident
too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
_____

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

[uncltodd]

Addendum to "Tips for Travelling in the South":

Bubba says, "Y'ant a Coke?"

"Yeah, boy," says Booner.

"What kinda Coke y'ant?"

"Dr. Pepper."

(True story- UT was there)

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
_____

Richard The Dragon Slayer

-------------------------

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Richard the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Richard revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Richard the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Richard the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Richard the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Richard the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Richard the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Richard worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Richard the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Richard the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Richard the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Richard the Dragon Slayer...
_____

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

[cobra de capell]

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a four story block of flats.

A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and
all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in
the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
the fire.

Six Maori, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew
into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On
camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris
and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief quietly replied,




"Simple - they were both at work."

[cobra de capell]

OK, I fixed it.....

http://kezfool.bravehost.com/fixed.htm

Why cell phones have cameras....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jobimfa...7621974002394/

[cobra de capell]

WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT



And They Ask Why I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
_____

(Washington, D.C. - 8/8/09) "It's amazing to me the millions of American who firmly believe the citizens of the United States are still represented by Congress. In case they haven't noticed, there is a reason Democratic Party Czars are being appointed by the President to oversee many programs that used to fall under Congress control", a top Democrat said today.

"The czars have no one to report to besides the President, they don't have to face constituents, they have complete control of the areas they are specializing in and have the ability to do what they want regardless the demands of Americans whose biggest decision should be Fixodent or Polygrip."

"We know this is an exercise in futility for them, that regardless what they want or how much they protest at these town hall meetings, we're going to give them an insurance program that will cost a lot of money we don't have, but at this point it's irrelevant. Giving them opportunity to vent gives Washington a reference point for sentiment but that's the point. Let them think they're going to made a difference when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. We realize we're going to be dead and gone when the bill comes due so it's our "feel good" moment in history."

"Besides, when the elections come around, we know for a fact millions will automatically vote for whoever has a D after their name regardless of their stand on this minor insurance flap."

"In a nutshell, we're keeping everyones attention focused on the left hand and no one is noticing what the right hand is doing. It's a perfect storm of opportunity."

Developing..
_____

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'
_____

Solve this puzzle...http://averagjoe.com/DCXC.html

[cobra de capell]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10


Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but youstill can't help but smile when
you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought....

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;

What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

_____

[cobra de capell]

[twobjshelbys]

DEAR DIARY - DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
DEAR DIARY - DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the
Captain today - seems a very nice man..
DEAR DIARY - DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off
the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt
honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a
luxurious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for
rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
night.Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with
me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.

[cobra de capell]

The nursing student, on her first rotation in the ICU, had to give a patient a full bed bath. She had never given one before and was terribly nervous about it. To make matters worse, the patient was a gentleman in his late sixties who had been admitted after a heart attack. As se nervously set her equipment up, she confessed to the patient that she had never given a full bed bath before.

"I'll tell you what," he said, "how about if you wash as far down as possible, and as far up as possible, and then I'll wash possible?"
______

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62 percent of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex."

- Humorist Erma Bombeck -
_____

What is Old?

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'
and you answer, 'Pick one, I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are cautioned to slow down by... The doctor instead of by the police.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting a little action' means I don't need to take any fibre today.


'OLD' IS WHEN.....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.



'OLD' IS WHEN.....
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to pee
_____

[cobra de capell]

Did you know that if you take a hike around Mt Rushmore,
it looks totally different from the other side?




Relatives of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

[cobra de capell]

You're an EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3.. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care...

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16 You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk...

______

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole..'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said.. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
_____

The Squirrel and the Grasshopper

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION (cept Brittain - theyre worse)

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE AMERICAN VERSION


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

An Obamacare social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

CNBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Washington press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Democrats, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of United States demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

CNBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Woodstock with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Jesse Jackson rants in an interview on the Larry King that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Washington city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Department of Housing house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to America as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Americans' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards..

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Department of Housing house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".

The cats seek recompense in the Federal Court for their treatment since arrival in America .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A Senate of enquiry, that will eventually cost $100 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching America ’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison...

They call for the resignation of a Senator.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in America.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 75 because of a shortfall in government funds.



THE END

[cobra de capell]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her

on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found

shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my

wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs.Hudson

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.We

cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the

store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J.Hudson are listed below and are

documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:

He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get

on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and

receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union

grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:

Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14:

Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:

Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite

them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to

which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:

When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't

you people just leave me alone?' Police were called.

9. September 4:

Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked

his nose.

10. September 10:

While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk

where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission

Impossible' theme.

12.. October 6:

In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of

funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,

yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and

screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:

15. October 23:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,

'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.

One of the clerks fainted!
_____

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ......Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."
_____

[cobra de capell]

[Dan40]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Its not nice to put Hillary's head on Michelle's body.

[cobra de capell]

You do have a point.......

I know, I know - now, Big Foot is going to get upset....

[cobra de capell]

A professor at a junior college in KY was lecturing on the supernatural. He asked how many believed in ghosts. 90 students raised their hands. "Wonderful!" the prof exclaimed. "Out of you 90 believers, how many have seen a ghost. 50 hands dropped. "Thank you. Okay, you 40 still left, who's ever talked to a ghost?" 15 claimed to have done this.

"Now it's going to get tougher," smiled the professor. "How many of you 15 have ever touched a ghost?" 12 hands dropped. "Fantastic! I only have one question left. Be totally honest: have any of you last 3 ever had sexual intercourse with a ghost?"

In the last row, Bobby Joe's hand was still up. "In all the years of giving this lecture, Mr. Clark, no one has claimed they made love to a ghost. I'd be honored if you would approach the podium and describe your experience for the class."

There were expectant giggles and whispers. Bobby Joe adjusted his bibs and came confidently to the front of the room. "Class, this is Bobby Joe Clark. Mr. Clark, without being too graphic, what was it like having sex with a ghost?"

Bobby Joe's jaw dropped. "Ghost??? Aw, hell! I could'n hear y'all very good in the last row. My bad. I thought ya said "goats."
____

Take a look at this nutter who invaded a couple's holiday snap.
It was supposed to be an isolated beauty spot in the Canadian lakes - but a stranger still managed to creep into the shot.

The cheeky squirrel jumped into Melissa Brandts and her husband's picture when they had set the timer on their camera.



_____

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking.

He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan..

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[cobra de capell]

How many Club Cobra members does it take to screw in a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

4 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

5 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

6 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

1 lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.


1 old-timer to say, GOOD JOB!

[cobra de capell]

Last week I was out of town and when I checked into my hotel I was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"









"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
_____

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function
where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the
opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a
question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which
anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that
puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the
world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You
wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess,
I don't know much about history.'

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR COMPANY HAS CHANGED TO THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY
INEXPENSIVE HEALTH CARE PLAN:


(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a
day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not
a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY CHEAP HEALTH
CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.