Our maid asked for a pay increase...........
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
_____
Worst Joke Ever....
A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys, but the couple couldn't think up any names. So, they decided to wait a few days before naming them.
They soon noticed that one always looked towards the sea. The other looked away from the sea. It didn't matter where they were.
The parents named the boys Towards and Away.
When the boys reached 14, their father took them to sea to learn to fish. The trip was supposed to be short. But the fisherman's wife waited a week before her husband returned, alone.
When she asked where the boys were, the fisherman told her the following strange story.
Towards snagged a large fish early on the first day. He struggled with the fish for nearly 25 hours. Eventually, though, he tired and the fish pulled him over the side of the ship and devoured him.
"Oh, my," said the fisherman's wife. "That must have been a huge fish!"
"Indeed it was," replied her husband, "but you should have seen the one that got Away."
_____
Not far from Boston is a place made famous during the Revolutionary War. In fact, it's place in history is so great that one could actually say without its contribution the war may have been lost. For, you see, this area was teeming with British loyalists and spies, also known as Tories. Every Tory was hated and feared by the Colonists, for he could turn you in to the authorities and your land would be confiscated while you were put to death leaving your family with nothing.
Something had to be done, and it was. No one knows exactly how it was discovered, but Rufus Spinney had a chicken farm and noticed that when known Tories would walk past, his chickens would become very agitated and squawk at a different pitch and intensity. He wondered if this were just coincidence, and decided to test it. One day, he let a couple of his chickens out of the yard and watched as they began to wander through town, squawking loudly and angrily at certain citizens, but not at others. Upon further investigation, it was learned that every victim of Rufus' chickens turned out to be a Tory. From that came the great American tradition of Chicken-catch-a-Tory!
_____
A notable gynecologist once said,
The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own
oil every four weeks.
It is a pity that the operating system is so fn temperamental.
_____
An honest Judge....
Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor.
Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.
I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."
_____
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal..
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of $h!t.'
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