Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Location: Oval office






"All this should have been mine. Dammit."
“I am doing my part to save the Whales by becoming one!”
"I've been sitting out here in the waiting room for 4 hours. How much longer before I get my mandatory end of political life counseling from Dr. Emanuel anyway. I just want to go back to Chicago and get fat with Oprah. Anyone got a Valium? Life sucks. Yeah you to Monica. How much longer..."

Dinner is Served...




A Rabbi is a passenger on a bus involved in a rollover accident. After the wreck, he appears to be uninjured but is repeatedly crossing himself. A police officer on scene approaches him and says, “Rabbi, are you all right?” The rabbi answers, “Yes, my son,” but continues crossing himself.

The policeman says, “But you’re a Rabbi. Why are you crossing yourself?”

The Rabbi says, “Son I’m just making sure everything is still here. Spectacles, Testicles, comb and pen.”
_____

Two Jews are down on their luck. They are walking back to their hotel when they happen to pass a Roman Catholic church. They see a big sign outside saying “CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY AND GET $20”.

Avram looks up and down the street, then turns to Shlomo and says, “Let’s do it — no-one will know when we get back home and we’ll each make $20.”

“Okay,” says Shlomo. “You go first.”

So Avram strides purposefully into the church. He comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Shlomo eagerly, “did you get the $20?”

Avram looks up and says, “Is that all you people think of?”
_____

Bill Clinton went to see his doctor and the doctor told him, “Bill, you have to stop masturbating.” The startled Bill Clinton asked him, “Why?” and the doctor replied, “Because I have to examine you.”
_____

Democrats, realizing the huge success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained a advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

CASH FOR CODGERS and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person for each child they conceive. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts, while younger healthier codgers will earn them less.

Special “Bonus Money” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups such as; smokers, beer/ alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who eat/drink; beef, soda, fried foods, tater chips, lattes ,whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, Carvel or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be immediately rendered totally useless via toxic injection upon submission to the plan. This will insure that they are not secretly resold/reused or that their body parts be harvested to keep other codgers in decent repair.

[cobra de capell]

A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."
_____



Random Thoughts of the Day:

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeeaah, if you suck at it!

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dude, Gus caught the swine flu last night.”

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
_____

[cobra de capell]

ATTENTION - ROADS CLOSED THIS WEEKEND

For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:
Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29 & I-90 will be closed this weekend
Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic
disruptions in Charleston, WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO, Kansas City, MO, and Omaha, NE. A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt. Rushmore.
_____

A Cowboy walked into a drug store in west Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.’

The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’ When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store,
A company pickup truck, and
$3,000 a month living expenses.
_____

young Barack Obama and Michele were laying in bed after their first date — which ended up with them making passionite love for hours.

As they were relaxing, Barack just had to scratch his balls, so he tried to hide it.

“Oh, don’t hide, Barack,” said Michele. “I love to see a man scratch his balls.”

Really?” exclaimed a suprised Barck. “You like to see me scratch my balls?”

“Yeah,” cooed Michele. “I really miss mine.”
_____

One day, with a sudden flash and the smell of sulfur, the Devil appeared in Senator Harry Reid’s office.

The Devil said, “I will give you money, power, the ability to impose your will on others, but you must give me your immortal soul and work for the domination of Evil over the world and the oppression on men.”

Senator Reid thought for a moment, then said, “Wait a minute! What’s the catch?”
_____
What do Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama have in common?

They both attract young people with mindless verses.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Q: What does one say to a Democrat in a three-piece suit?

A: “Will the defendant please rise?”

Q: How many Democrat does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They just steal someone else’s light.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap and are protected by the government.

In honor of its bailout by the Democrats Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.

The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate.

“That’s great!” the executive said. “But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.”

“Yes, sir, it can,” the director replied. “An ounce of accountant’s brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist’s brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president’s is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat’s brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.”

“Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat’s brain? Why on earth is that?”

“Do you have any idea,” the director asked, “how many Democrats we would have to kill?”

Q: Why did God create Democrats ?

A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate’s usual question in his first job?

A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

What’s the difference between a Democrat politician and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

What’s the difference between a Democrat and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they’re really good people.

What’s black and brown and looks good on a Democrat?
A Doberman

[cobra de capell]

"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

"I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

"I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

"Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

"To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

"I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

"I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
_____

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross".

Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance".

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
_____

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender".

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
_____

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
_____

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
_____

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
_____

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks, the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath, New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us"..

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in/at a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
_____

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain:

"Crikey!",

"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and...

"The barbie is cancelled".
_____

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far arse kissing will take you..

A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 122%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Arse kissing that will put you over the top.

I just worked out i'm operating at 129% of my efficiency. See for yourself:

l-a-z-y-b-a-s-t-a-r-d

[Ron61]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess�

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[cobra de capell]

The gender of middle distance runner Caster Semenya came under scrutiny after shattering records at the World Track and Field Championships held in Berlin. The flat chested and deep voiced runner's tests showed a higher level of testosterone than most men. She denies being a man.

Here's a picture of her awaiting the start of a race.

http://averagjoe.com/0825f5
_____

Michael Jackson's death was a hoax aimed at selling millions
of his old records.... but the truth has now been revealed:

Jacko is alive and living in Arkansas -- with Elvis:




HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your Computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
8. The following day Harry Reid, then Christopher Dodd, then Barney Frank, etc.