Jokes

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Children's Science Exam

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
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Golf

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.


Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.


If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.


Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.


The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'


A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.


An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.


Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.


If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.


Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.


Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.


The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a Year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.


Kind of makes you proud.. Almost feel like a hybrid.

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World products.......

[IMG]http://themondayfunnies.com/ff_v_08-17-2009/****to.jpg[/IMG]

This product from Ghana is “a gravy made from dried pepper, smoked dried fish, dried shrimp power, a variety of spices, ginger, onion, garlic, tomatoes and seasoning.” Since English is the official language of Ghana, it doesn’t seem like this can be chalked up to unfortunate happenstance.



Another product from Ghana, where they would have us eating ****to and drinking Pee.



Insect repellent from Australia

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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago .
Nothing Is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi,
Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a
$10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them
on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much are people giving?'

''About a gallon each.'
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I've often been asked, "What do you old folks do when you've retired?"

Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering
background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning
beer, wine, Scotch and margaritas into urine.

I'm pretty good at it, too.
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Solve this puzzle - P.S. Do not try this if you're easily distracted by shiny objects!


http://www.averagjoe.com/DCXCI.html

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Dear Honored Sir:
You may question as to how I was able to ascertain your e-mail address and name, it is been given me by a trusted family advisor HONORABLE Rahm Emanuel, ESQUIRE, Barrister and Counsel. I am HIS EXCELLENCY Barack Hussein OBAMA, Junior, son of the late esteemed bureaucrat and Marxist Philosopher Barack Hussein OBAMA, Senior of Kenya. As I was elected PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES of AmeriKKKa in 2008, and was unfairly deposed on a technicality relating to my birth certificate and other minor issues in 2009. Whilst I was in the Executive palace, I was able to squirrel away several BILLIONS of USD, with the assistance of HONORABLE Timothy Giethner and my proud Princess and First Lady. What I propose is for you to forward, post haste, your banking and exchequer information to Mr. Barrister EMANUEL, in which we may deposit the profits from my short-lived REIGN, in exchange for, we will forward to you 1/20th of the FORTUNE, to the tune of $100 MILLION USD. Time is of the essence, as the newly installed PALIN administration is hot on our heels and we are also making ourselves scarce from Mr. Soros and his henchmen.

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Our maid asked for a pay increase...........


My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.


She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
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Worst Joke Ever....

A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys, but the couple couldn't think up any names. So, they decided to wait a few days before naming them.

They soon noticed that one always looked towards the sea. The other looked away from the sea. It didn't matter where they were.

The parents named the boys Towards and Away.

When the boys reached 14, their father took them to sea to learn to fish. The trip was supposed to be short. But the fisherman's wife waited a week before her husband returned, alone.

When she asked where the boys were, the fisherman told her the following strange story.

Towards snagged a large fish early on the first day. He struggled with the fish for nearly 25 hours. Eventually, though, he tired and the fish pulled him over the side of the ship and devoured him.

"Oh, my," said the fisherman's wife. "That must have been a huge fish!"

"Indeed it was," replied her husband, "but you should have seen the one that got Away."
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Not far from Boston is a place made famous during the Revolutionary War. In fact, it's place in history is so great that one could actually say without its contribution the war may have been lost. For, you see, this area was teeming with British loyalists and spies, also known as Tories. Every Tory was hated and feared by the Colonists, for he could turn you in to the authorities and your land would be confiscated while you were put to death leaving your family with nothing.

Something had to be done, and it was. No one knows exactly how it was discovered, but Rufus Spinney had a chicken farm and noticed that when known Tories would walk past, his chickens would become very agitated and squawk at a different pitch and intensity. He wondered if this were just coincidence, and decided to test it. One day, he let a couple of his chickens out of the yard and watched as they began to wander through town, squawking loudly and angrily at certain citizens, but not at others. Upon further investigation, it was learned that every victim of Rufus' chickens turned out to be a Tory. From that came the great American tradition of Chicken-catch-a-Tory!
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A notable gynecologist once said,

The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is a pity that the operating system is so fn temperamental.
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An honest Judge....

Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor.

Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.

I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."
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'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal..
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of $h!t.'

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One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated quantum concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does quantum physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
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The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
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How do you make a washing machine into a snow blower?
Give the ***** a shovel.
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[cobra de capell]

Location: Oval office






"All this should have been mine. Dammit."
“I am doing my part to save the Whales by becoming one!”
"I've been sitting out here in the waiting room for 4 hours. How much longer before I get my mandatory end of political life counseling from Dr. Emanuel anyway. I just want to go back to Chicago and get fat with Oprah. Anyone got a Valium? Life sucks. Yeah you to Monica. How much longer..."

Dinner is Served...




A Rabbi is a passenger on a bus involved in a rollover accident. After the wreck, he appears to be uninjured but is repeatedly crossing himself. A police officer on scene approaches him and says, “Rabbi, are you all right?” The rabbi answers, “Yes, my son,” but continues crossing himself.

The policeman says, “But you’re a Rabbi. Why are you crossing yourself?”

The Rabbi says, “Son I’m just making sure everything is still here. Spectacles, Testicles, comb and pen.”
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Two Jews are down on their luck. They are walking back to their hotel when they happen to pass a Roman Catholic church. They see a big sign outside saying “CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY AND GET $20”.

Avram looks up and down the street, then turns to Shlomo and says, “Let’s do it — no-one will know when we get back home and we’ll each make $20.”

“Okay,” says Shlomo. “You go first.”

So Avram strides purposefully into the church. He comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Shlomo eagerly, “did you get the $20?”

Avram looks up and says, “Is that all you people think of?”
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Bill Clinton went to see his doctor and the doctor told him, “Bill, you have to stop masturbating.” The startled Bill Clinton asked him, “Why?” and the doctor replied, “Because I have to examine you.”
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Democrats, realizing the huge success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained a advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

CASH FOR CODGERS and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person for each child they conceive. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts, while younger healthier codgers will earn them less.

Special “Bonus Money” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups such as; smokers, beer/ alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who eat/drink; beef, soda, fried foods, tater chips, lattes ,whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, Carvel or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be immediately rendered totally useless via toxic injection upon submission to the plan. This will insure that they are not secretly resold/reused or that their body parts be harvested to keep other codgers in decent repair.

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A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."
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Random Thoughts of the Day:

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeeaah, if you suck at it!

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dude, Gus caught the swine flu last night.”

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
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[cobra de capell]

ATTENTION - ROADS CLOSED THIS WEEKEND

For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:
Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29 & I-90 will be closed this weekend
Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic
disruptions in Charleston, WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO, Kansas City, MO, and Omaha, NE. A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt. Rushmore.
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A Cowboy walked into a drug store in west Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.’

The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’ When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store,
A company pickup truck, and
$3,000 a month living expenses.
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young Barack Obama and Michele were laying in bed after their first date — which ended up with them making passionite love for hours.

As they were relaxing, Barack just had to scratch his balls, so he tried to hide it.

“Oh, don’t hide, Barack,” said Michele. “I love to see a man scratch his balls.”

Really?” exclaimed a suprised Barck. “You like to see me scratch my balls?”

“Yeah,” cooed Michele. “I really miss mine.”
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One day, with a sudden flash and the smell of sulfur, the Devil appeared in Senator Harry Reid’s office.

The Devil said, “I will give you money, power, the ability to impose your will on others, but you must give me your immortal soul and work for the domination of Evil over the world and the oppression on men.”

Senator Reid thought for a moment, then said, “Wait a minute! What’s the catch?”
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What do Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama have in common?

They both attract young people with mindless verses.
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[cobra de capell]

Q: What does one say to a Democrat in a three-piece suit?

A: “Will the defendant please rise?”

Q: How many Democrat does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They just steal someone else’s light.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap and are protected by the government.

In honor of its bailout by the Democrats Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.

The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate.

“That’s great!” the executive said. “But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.”

“Yes, sir, it can,” the director replied. “An ounce of accountant’s brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist’s brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president’s is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat’s brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.”

“Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat’s brain? Why on earth is that?”

“Do you have any idea,” the director asked, “how many Democrats we would have to kill?”

Q: Why did God create Democrats ?

A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate’s usual question in his first job?

A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

What’s the difference between a Democrat politician and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

What’s the difference between a Democrat and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they’re really good people.

What’s black and brown and looks good on a Democrat?
A Doberman

[cobra de capell]

"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

"I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

"I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

"Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

"To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

"I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

"I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
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The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross".

Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance".

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
_____

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender".

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
_____

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
_____

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
_____

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
_____

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks, the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath, New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us"..

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in/at a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
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Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain:

"Crikey!",

"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and...

"The barbie is cancelled".
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What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far arse kissing will take you..

A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 122%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Arse kissing that will put you over the top.

I just worked out i'm operating at 129% of my efficiency. See for yourself:

l-a-z-y-b-a-s-t-a-r-d

[Ron61]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess�

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[cobra de capell]

The gender of middle distance runner Caster Semenya came under scrutiny after shattering records at the World Track and Field Championships held in Berlin. The flat chested and deep voiced runner's tests showed a higher level of testosterone than most men. She denies being a man.

Here's a picture of her awaiting the start of a race.

http://averagjoe.com/0825f5
_____

Michael Jackson's death was a hoax aimed at selling millions
of his old records.... but the truth has now been revealed:

Jacko is alive and living in Arkansas -- with Elvis:




HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your Computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
8. The following day Harry Reid, then Christopher Dodd, then Barney Frank, etc.

[fsstnotch]

President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”?

So our illustrious president asked the class for an exampleof a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered:

“If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over
him and kills him,would that be a tragedy?”

“No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff,
killing everyone inside,that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call ‘great loss.’”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand..
In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’
missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Obama. “That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “It has to be a tragedy,because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss... and it
probably wouldn’t be an accident either

[FWB]

good one.....

[danc30]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.=2 0She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answe red the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not =2 0 been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault.

[cobra de capell]

DIVORCE AGREEMENT


THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists
and Obama supporters, et al:


We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.


Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure

our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can

effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.


We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns

and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.



You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O' Don nell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).


We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot
Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are
under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a
right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheehan, Barbara Streisand, &
Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And we won't have to press 1 for English.
______

A teacher was explaining to her class that certain colors are associated with particular colors, so she passed out lifesavers to each child. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red......................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange ............... Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None

of the children could identify the taste.


The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and

yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
_____

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

[cobra de capell]

When you are having a bad day,

and think that you are having problems,

just remember:

SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A MR. PELOSI.
_____

Random Thoughts From People 25-35 Years Old

-I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you’re wrong.

-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to
have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That’s enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know”
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

-There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”,
all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod
and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and
said “Yes that’s G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies”

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’
to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if
I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be
a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t
want to have to restart my collection.

-There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t
watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she
hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
______

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
_____

Two tampons were standing in line at the bank. Neither of them said anything to each other, because they were both stuck-up bi$ches.

[cobra de capell]

Political Humor, etc .....

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot.. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P..J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11.. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

25. Democracy is Two Wolves and a Lamb Voting on What to Have for Lunch. Liberty is a Well-Armed Lamb Contesting the Vote.
_____

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
_____

Quick reads......


The World's Shortest Books:



MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
______________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

____________________________


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J Kevorkian

__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
______________________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson


************************************************** *****

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

[Ron61]

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about this, I was An Idiot too,And Needed Company....

[cobra de capell]

Murphy’s Other Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those whom live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

13. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
_____

1) What does the average Univ. of Michigan player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
..........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Florida State graduate off your porch?
..........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?!
.........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Indiana football team like a possum?
........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami (Fla) football player’s life?
..........His freshman year

(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it! take to change a light bulb?
..........None. That’s a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
......... Durham, North Carolina. He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY.....drum roll and cymbal crash.......

(10) Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
_____