Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Washington, D.C. UP-API 8/31/2009

In a move considered by analysts to be a way to reduce the high
cost of the president's healthcare plan, The White House had just
announced the appointment of Dr. Jack Kevorkian as Surgeon General.
Dr. Kevorkian will have full authority to decide who gets cured and who
gets to die. As a result of Dr. Kevorkian's appointment Healthcare
experts expect much fewer patient complaints, as well as the virtual
elimination of aches and pains complaints by seniors.

"We'll cut healthcare costs by ninety percent," the president said. "I promised you change, didn't I?"
______

Strange 'Questions':

Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright

What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?

What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
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Prospective New Teacher Responds to School Board

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.


'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.


'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . .


I CAN'T PRAY?
_____

Subject: Is sex work?



A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain
decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it
was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge
of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Navy sailor.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still
only one God common to both our faiths. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by
pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I
pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.
_____





After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly,

"Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of a$$?"


"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added,


"Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"


"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly,

but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh a$$ for mah drink."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a
ribbon salesman, has been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to
Macy's for many years.

Last week, he made another attempt to speak with the anti-Semitic
buyer.

"Goldstein," the buyer says laughingly, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."


Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up
to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer goes ballistic.


He calls Goldstein and yells, "You putz, what's going on? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me four truck loads full of it!"

Goldstein replies calmly and in a soft voice: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."
_____

Go here to see a nice red car.....http://averagjoe.com/0831f4

[cobra de capell]

Putting a twist on the camping experience



A tourist hiking in rural Wales comes across a man crouched behind a sheep, holding it still.

"Excuse me", says the tourist, "Are you shearing?"

"F**k off" comes the reply. "Find your own!"
_____

I become confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue "Service"
US Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
Cable TV "Service"
State, City, County Public "Service"
Customer "Service"

None of these are what I thought "Service" meant

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
_____

Engineering Down Below

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and
building improvements


After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.


One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it
going down there in hell?"


Satan replies, "Hey things are going great We've got air conditioning,
flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what
an engineer is going to come up with next."


God replies, "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."


Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."


God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."


Satan laughs uproariously and answers,


"Yeah right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

_____

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this, "have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama".

[cobra de capell]

All Y'all southerners:

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The
crick


Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern
charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them,

you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly what “a bait” of something is.

_____


Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:

"Going to town, be back directly ."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when

"by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.

If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and

"a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
_____

Only a Southerner, both
knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows
tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine
Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk..
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.

You just say,"Bless her heart"... and go your own way.
_________________________________

There's an email circulating linking swine flu to eating canned ham.

Ignore it. It's patently false, and besides, it's Spam.
______

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH:

Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1.. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number


|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).


The next two numbers are



YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
_____

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ), and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA ).

[cobra de capell]

SOME OF THE BEST OF THE NORM PETERSON QUOTES FROM CHEERS:

“What’s shaking, Norm?”
“All four cheeks & a couple of chins.”

“What’s new, Normie?”
“Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer.”

“What’s up, Mr. Peterson?”
“My nipples, pour me a beer Woody.”

“What’d you like, Normie?”
“A reason to live. Give me another beer.”

“What’ll you have, Normie?”
“Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out
of the tap.”
“Looks like beer, Norm.”
“Call me Mister Lucky.”

“Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?”
“Like a baby treats a diaper.”

“What’s the story Mr. Peterson?”
“The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.”

“Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.”
“I know, if she calls, I’m not here.”

“What’s going on Mr. Peterson?”
“A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’

“Whatcha up to, Norm?”
“My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.”

“How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
“Poor.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“No, I mean pour.”

“How’s life treating you, Norm?”
“Like it caught me sleeping with it’s wife.”

“Women. Can’t live with ‘em...pass the beer nuts.”

“What’s going down, Normie?”
“My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”

“Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
“Alright, but stop me at one...make that one-thirty.”

“How’s it going Mr. Peterson?”
“It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody & I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.”

“What’s the story, Norm?”
“Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”

“Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
“A little early, isn’t it, Woody?”
“For a beer?”
“No, for stupid questions.”

[cobra de capell]

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Rick got mad at Adam for going ona hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Rick gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck.. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Rick said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Rick is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Rick wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Rick isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Rick said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[Ron61]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most
deserted beach at Ft. Myers Florida .

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had
walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a
book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are
you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned
back to his book.

"I am sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,"she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed
reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," > Do you like
***** cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off
her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"


"I wonder if it was a Nude Beach?"

[cobra de capell]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a “post turtle.” Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a “post turtle” was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a “post turtle”.

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there.”


_____
Ben & Jerry’s is showing its support for the historic legalization of gay and lesbian marriage by changing the name of its popular Chubby Hubby ice cream to “Hubby Hubby” in Vermont.

No Kidding

Chubby Hubby/”Hubby Hubby” features fudge covered peanut butter-filled pretzels in vanilla malt ice cream rippled with fudge and peanut butter.
_____

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, “Put that away Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”

He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”

Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?”

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
_____

[cobra de capell]

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?!
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal! again?
A: When the kids are in college.
_____

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you,dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father...”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...’”
_____





A blonde takes her shirt to the cleaners. As she is leaving the employee says, “Come again!”

The blonde says “No, its toothpaste this time, nosy *****”.
_____

[cobra de capell]

A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful blonde lady.

Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.

"On what grounds?" asked the lawyer. "I don't think he is faithful to me," she replied.

"And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer.

"Well," replied the young lady, "I don't think he is the father of my child."
_____

At a dinner party the host’s kid was a complete distraction racing around and making noise to the point one guest said, “ I have experience with kids his age. May I take him upstairs?”

The host agreed and the two went upstairs and, after the guest returned, the entire evening was quiet. The host asked how did the guest do this when all his attempts met with failure.

The guest said, “Easy. I taught him to masturbate.”
_____

The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said,
"Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once."

"Well, here," the limo driver says, "Take the wheel, Your Holiness!"

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window,
goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, "I just pulled over someone real important
and I don't know what to do."

"Well, who is it?" his dispatcher says, "The mayor? The governor? The president?"

"I don't know," the officer responds, "but the Pope's his chauffer!"
_____

[cobra de capell]

The One (1) Question Test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving
an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.


Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line..

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people
swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive fury.

===============================================

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for
their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are.

It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that
the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options:

You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize
winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful
people.

===============================================



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

_____

Two Crocs Talking



Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it..'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh$t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a@@hole and a briefcase.'
_____

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"


The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.


"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

[cobra de capell]

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" --Jake Johansen


"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --Michael McShane
_____

Luigi (father): "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "I will choose my OWN bride!!!"

Luigi: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..."

Son: "Well, in that case....o.k."

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.

Luigi: "I have a husband for your daughter..."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!"

Luigi: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank"

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case....o.k."

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank

Luigi: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"

Luigi: "But this man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case....o.k."

And, that my friends,is how Italians do business.
_____

A Zebra dies and arrives at thePearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are...''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'

[Ron61]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his
limousine when he saw two men along the road-
side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?""We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with
me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned
to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

[cobra de capell]

25 Awesome Homeless Guy Signs

http://southflorida.sun-sentinel.com...1.photogallery

Guess who?



David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK ! I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet, a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo! Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror ! Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found !

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"but all I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake !" I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK ! My grandfather does stuff like this all the time!"

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.... And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast !

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home!
_____

Teddy Kennedy has been sober for 6 days as of today.

Presuming, of course, that embalming fluid is not alcohol-based.
_____

[cobra de capell]

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny’s face grew serious and he said, "You know, I’m not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
_____

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
_____

I was on my way to deposit some of my money at Lowe's Home Improvement this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy, and I found myself behind this little car bearing a bumper sticker that read: "We did it! - Obama/ Biden'

Well, as luck would have it, she pulled along side of me at a red light
about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!"

She thanked me and I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking
responsibility for your mistake!"

She gave me the finger and drove off -- Humorless Bi$ch.

[cobra de capell]

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those

Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To

Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball

Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his

Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes

Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With

That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."





His funeral service will be held on Friday
______

10 Peeves that Dogs have re: humans

1. Blaming your farts on me ---not funny...not funny at all

2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN DOG!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food onmy nose. STOP IT!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.You fooled a dog!!! Whooo Hoooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset wehn I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Hven't you noticed the fur?

Now lay off me on some of those things. We both know who's boss here!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
_____

Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing @$$-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some @-hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b!*ch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them..

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my!!!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the first night!

[cobra de capell]

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm , politicians from New Jersey have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of New Jersey politicians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they have not been to prison yet.
_____

Julius Caesar goes into a bar.

"I'll have a Martinus" says the Emperor.

"Don't you mean a Martini?" asks the barman.

"If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for one" says Caesar.
_____

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages

English I Love You

Spanish Te Amo

French Je T'aime

German lch Liebe Dich

Japanese Ai ****e Imasu

Thai Phom rak khun

Italian Ti amo

Chinese Wo Ai Ni

Swedish Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas , Kansas , Oklahoma , Texas , North Carolina , South Carolina . Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky.....
Nice Ass , Get in the truck

[Fordzilla]

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a
condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and
live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the
invention of beer and the invention of the
wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity
into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was
the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans
were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they
just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to
B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as the Conservative
movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the
nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair
dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement...

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime
added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled
water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists,
dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also
bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller.
They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes,
members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone
who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.... They like to govern
the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
business of trying to get more for nothing.

[Jamo]

Thanks.