Jokes

[cobra de capell]

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very sad because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and says to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.
St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims - "You brought pavement?"
_____

Spanish Words of the Day

The teacher told Pepito to use certain English words in a sentence.

Here are Pepito's replies:

1. *Cheese* - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom* - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder* - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas * - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes* - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July* - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum* - I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken* - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair* - We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry, Wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing* - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment* - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop* - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash* - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Brief* - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
_____

A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest
son Yitzak...

"Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell
me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her
name?"

"O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"

"I'm very, very happy," says the son..

"OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both,"
replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining
sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening.

"Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...

"What is her name?," implores the father.

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, Father."

"OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.
"Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah,
marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children
in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out.

The very next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and
exclaims, "Father, I am to wed in the spring!"

"HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands.

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the
Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor
Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"

"No," says Chutzpah.

"Hmmm," says ! Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter
Rachel from Beverly Hills?"

"Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah...

"What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most handsome son?"

"Whoopi."
_____