Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
_____

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument
when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to
describe how a woman looks -
this will cause you to have one of those
arguments.



FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the
five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it's an even trade.



NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on
your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of
wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'



GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine"



GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care" You will
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
>"Five Minutes" when she cools
off.



LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she
thinks you are an idiot at that
moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing
with you over "Nothing"



SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or
breathe, and she will stay content.



THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements
that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think
long and hard before paying you
back
for whatever it is that you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used with the
word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
Eyebrow.



GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going
to be in some mighty big
trouble.


PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A
woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that
you have done.You have a fair chance with the
truth, so be careful and you
shouldn't get a "That's Okay"



THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say
you're welcome.



THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman
will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies
that you have offended her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the
"Loud Sigh." Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she
will only tell you "Nothing"
_____

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?




A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.
_____

Two guys walk into a bar, and they both have black eyes. "How did you get your black eye?" asks the first guy. "Well, it was really a Freudian slip. You see, I was walking through the park one day when i saw a woman with three beautiful children. I walked up to her to compliment her children, but when I tried to say, 'You have some lovely kiddies,' I accidentally said, 'You have some lovely titties.' So she slapped me, and gave me this black eye. How did you get your black eye?" asked the second man. The first man replied, "Well, I too had a Freudian slip. I was sitting down to breakfast with my wife of thirty-two years, and I tried to say, 'Would you please pass the Cornflakes?' but instead I said, 'You ruined my life you ****ing *****.'"

[cobra de capell]

(not a joke, just funny, sort of)

The ‘keister bomb’ is the newest terror threat

Al-Qaida’s new method of delivering a deadly payload — in effect a plastic explosive suppository — would make security experts nervous, you might think.

It is not easily spotted by conventional detectors.

But it does have some who know their explosives busting a gut.

A month ago in Saudi Arabia, a terrorist named Abdullah Hassan Tali’ al-Asiri reportedly walked past palace checkpoints with a small bomb inserted in a body cavity. Judging by the al-Qaida video featuring him proudly holding a device before committing the deed, it was about 3 inches long.

He wanted to blow up a Saudi prince but succeeded only in blowing off his own bottom half and destroying the floor, killing himself in the process.

His intended target, Prince Mohammed bin Nayef, and others in the room were largely unharmed. A Saudi news service quoted the prince saying, understatedly, “He surprised me by blowing himself up.”

Snip.......http://www.kansascity.com/637/story/1479693.html
____

[Fordzilla]

That's funny Shiite

[Art Burtt]

I bet he ain't constipated anymore LOL

[cobra de capell]

I have a friend who saw her dream of proclaiming her love for tofu, mercilessly crushed by the California Division of Motor Vehicles.

They absolutely prohibited her from purchasing and displaying a vanity plate, designed to demonstrate her affection for that bean-curd stuff.

The DMV claimed that the plate would have been obscene. Kelley's plate was to have read:

ILVTOFU


Now who could mistake this wholesome sentiment for something else?
_____

Not a joke.....scary....

[cobra de capell]

Coffee Drinkers Pay Big For Cat Poop Coffee

TAMPA, Florida – A Florida coffee house is brewing up a buzz by selling the rarest type of coffee in the world—‘Cat Poop Coffee’.

‘Cat Poop Coffee’ comes from the Indonesian Civet which resembles a cat and eats coffee cherries off of trees.

The beans end up in the animal’s feces and the next step is to sift them by hand. The end result is a coffee bean considered a delicacy and only 500 pounds are made each year.

The coffee is one of the rarest in the world. The Tampa coffee shop, shown in the attached video, paid $190 per pound. Customers paid $20 for a 12 ounce cup.


http://www2.nbc4i.com/cmh/news/natio..._coffee/24107/

[cobra de capell]

You Know You're Over The Hill When...

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya..

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, "whippersnapper, " "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays... "

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digits.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

29. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."

30. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.
____

[cobra de capell]

Court Orders Recount of Olympic Bid – Polls to Remain Open

Copenhagen – An International Criminal Court judge has ordered that the International Olympic Committee (IOC) resume counting in the selection process for the host city of the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Judge Enrique Castro, appointed to the court last year by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and nephew of the Cuban President Raul Castro, ordered a stunned IOC to resume vote counting late Friday.

Judge Castro issued an emergency injunction after receiving multiple complaints of voter disenfranchisement by community activist groups Community Organizers International (COI), the Organization of American States (OAS) and Hezbollah.

COI chairwoman Valerie Jarrett voiced her organization’s approval of the judge’s decision. “As anyone who watched this charade being played out on television can plainly see the underprivileged were not well represented in this voting process. We have asked the court only for what is fair – that we be allowed to chose a diverse, multicultural pool of voters to balance the ‘white out’ that apparently dominates IOC voting.”

Hezbollah spokesman Islamic Rage Boy added that “There appears to have been a deliberate attempt by some cities not directly associated with Islam to exclude us from this process. We are very surprised by Madrid’s refusal to withdraw. I thought they learned their lesson in 2004. Oh, and death to all who oppose us. Peace be with you. The Jooos are to blame.”

No one from the IOC was immediately available for comment. One senior IOC official speaking on the condition of anonymity said that the IOC is in turmoil right now at this unprecedented turn of events. “No one has ever seen such chaos. Every voting member was in the room and all the votes had been counted. The judge’s order made no sense until a truck arrived and people started unloading boxes of ballots. They went straight to the counting table. I couldn’t believe it.”

Our sources verified the existence of several empty boxes at the IOC headquarters with a return address in Minnesota but were unable to confirm that the votes arrived in these containers.

[cobra de capell]

Seems that a lot of people are using their butt for strange things......(not a joke....)

ST. LUCIE COUNTY — A 30-year-old man was arrested Thursday on a host of charges after a bag of cocaine “shot out” of his backside in a gas station, according to an affidavit released Friday.

Investigators said they got a tip that cocaine was being transported in a brown Cadillac in the area of Interstate 95 and Midway Road, and investigators found the vehicle Thursday morning at a gas station at Midway and Glades Cut-Off roads.

The affidavit gave this account:

A man was pumping gas into the vehicle, and a drug sniffing dog smelled narcotics in the vehicle and the area where the man, identified as Warren Leonard Wiley, stood. A search of Wiley turned up a crumpled dollar bill with cocaine in it.

“Wiley was then escorted to the men’s room for a more detailed search,” the affidavit states. “While being escorted, Wiley dropped his shorts in the middle of the store stating, ‘I don’t have nothing.’ ”

Wiley’s backside appeared “clenched tight” as if he was hiding something. While walking, his backside relaxed and a clear bag with about 22 grams of cocaine in it “shot out” onto the store’s floor.

http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2009/oct/...ts-body-at-st/

[cobra de capell]

How long does it take for a woman to lower the toilet seat?

15 mins to find the last person who left it up.
5 mins to yell at him for leaving it up.
5 mins convincing him that leaving it up is the greatest sin in the universe
and finally, 5 seconds to actually do it.
_____

Two brothers are sitting in front of the christmas tree. One of them's got a huge pile of presents, the other one's got just a small one. "Could it be", the one with the huge pile of presents says, "that our parents love me more than you?". His brother answers: "Could it be that you've got cancer?"...
_____

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and aid, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
_____

Why is there a window above the kitchen sink?
-So women can have a point of view
_____

How do you get 4 gay guys on one bar stoll?
-Flip it upside down
_____

[Ron61]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on

the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her

daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was

playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.


"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours

on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so=2 0 provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

[Ron61]

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

[FWB]

two very good ones ron......

[Ron61]

Subject: Fw: TEXAS GERMANS


Near Fredericksburg, Texas, Northwest of San Antonio where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht, Die kuhen haben dehin >> gesheissen."

Which means: ("Don't drink the water, the cows have **** in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from Illinois and I am down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The farmer replied: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

[Ron61]

Subject: Fw: We Did IT

We did it

I was on my way to invest more money at Home Depot this morning, trying to do my part to stimulate the economy.

I found myself behind this little rice burner of a car bearing a bumper sticker that read, "We did it!" - "Obama / Biden".

Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road.

I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window a nd I said, "I love your bumper sticker!”

She heartily thanked me.

And I quickly added, "It's really good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!"

She gave me the finger and drove off. –

Such a Humorless *****…

[SPF2245]

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
> >>
> >> On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the
> >> area.
> >>
> >> A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an
> >> erection.
> >>
> >> The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call
> >> for me?'
> >>
> >> The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
> >>
> >> She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.
> >> It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for
> >> me.'
> >>
> >> Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool,
> >> laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her
> >> and happily let him have his way with her.
> >>
> >> Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities.
> >>
> >> He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
> >>
> >> Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward
> >> him.
> >>
> >> 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.
> >>
> >> 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
> >>
> >> 'You must be new.' answered the hairy man,
> >> 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
> >>
> >> The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way
> >> with the newcomer.
> >>
> >> The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by
> >> a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
> >>
> > Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the
> > $500 membership fee.
> >> 'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours.
> >> You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
> >>
> >> 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
> >> I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
> >> I'm outta here.'
> >>
>

[tfalk]

A child's prayer for christmas...

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's
computer, Amen."

[392cobra]

Obama Jokes

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.
Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.
Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a zoo and the White House?
A: A zoo has an African lion and the White House has a lyin' African.
Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.
Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.
Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.
Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

Understanding TV News Acronyms

NBC: New Barack Channel
ABC: Another Barack Channel
MSNBC: My Seriously New Barack Channel
CBS: Continuous Barack Show
FOX: Flagrant Obama Xenophobes

[Ron61]

Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy .

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy .

The chauffeur replies: 'Shortly after I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made passionate love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy . 'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'

[Ron61]

As an American I am not so shocked that Obama was given the Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his name, but that America gave him the White House
based on the same credentials."

- - Newt Gingrich