"being Texan"

[jrussell]

Fred,
What great stories and a great thread! I feel this thread exemplifies what has made the TCC the largest and most active group on Club Cobra. It is a pleasure to read these entries.
Your friend,
John Russell

[mr0077]

Well, I couldn't pass it up...hope no one is offended...

Texas Chili Taster


If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I eagerly accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 --Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 --(Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 --Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 --Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. lady is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #
3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[surfer44]

MR0077:
I laughed so hard I was crying! Thanks for making my day. I'm passing this along to my friends and my son, who lives in New Braunfels (sp).

[weekendwarrior]

One of my Texas born friends sent this email, thought you might enjoy it.



REPUBLIC OF TEXAS


I thought you'd all get a kick out of this one - Texan
or not (and Republican or not)....

Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time
to get used to the results. After seeing the whiners
along the inauguration route, the folks from Texas
have decided that we might just take matters into our
own hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Let John Kerry become President of the United
States (all 49 states).

#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the
Republic of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a
Republic?

NASA in Houston, Texas (we will control the space
industry).

We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United
States.

Defense Industry (we have over 65% of it). The term
"Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new
meaning

Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of
Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee
states? Sorry about that.

Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too
bad about those northern states. John Kerry will
figure a way to keep them warm....

Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in
producing computer chips and communications: Small
places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS,
Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel,
AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor,
Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel,
Etc,Etc. The list goes on and on.

Health Centers - We have the largest research centers
for Cancer research,the best burn centers and the top
trauma units in the world and other large health
planning centers.


We have enough colleges to keep us going: U.T., Texas
A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston,
Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows
better in the south anyway.

We have a ready supply of workers (just open the
border when we need some more )

We have control of the paper industry, plastics,
insurance, etc.

In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas
National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We
don't have an army but since everybody down here has
at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise
an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation
really gets bad, we can always call Department of
Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas
Rangers.

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs
and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows
how to cook them so that they taste good.

Don't need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the
Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing
out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President
Kerry: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas
for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to
drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of
the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won't have any T! V as the space center in
Houston** *will *cut off your communications. You
won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but
since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will
not need the gas.
*
Signed, */The People in Texas/* Hook'en Horns.

[392cobra]

April 21,1836