To the citizens of the United States of America :-

[Mrs 66 Snake]

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.


2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."



3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.


4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.


6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.


7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."


9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.


12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager."


The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.


13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).


14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers andtherapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.


15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.


16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

[lovehamr]

Are you really in Garland TX? If the above ever came to pass I think Texas would secede and half the population of the US would move there! LOL

[jrussell]

Colleen,
First, we did OK in the election! Also, as it seems I am the only one to actually read the post so far, I feel a bit of a rebuttal is in order.
Most people outside our borders (98.63852%) are not aware that Tony Blair is an assumed name for an American icon- Alfred E. Newman, and is actually controlled from Texas! We have actually fostered all the so called "dialects" used over in our colonies in an effort to stop all the fighting that has been going on over there for centuries!
We dropped the song "God save the Queen" because of the obvious English reference to Elton John, and created our own "manly" song, so there!It even sounds good when women sing it! As to Football, ours is-of course- a "Manly" game that allows anyone to escape the ghetto or prison, as long as they are very big, as opposed to a bunch of little guys running around in shorts! I really don't think that other stuff will ever catch on.
Now, as to guns....well, everyone should have a few, or lots for that matter! The more the better, and I personally like the larger calibers, Just think what would happen to a carjacker if grandma stuck a .45 double stack Paraordnance in his nose instead of her car keys! Wow, and what good business for the dry cleaners!
I really just think you got a little too close the that bubbling cauldron of "Witches brew" at your Halloween party, so My advice is to just go lay down for a few days and everything will be OK.
Oh, if you ever want to go shooting, why don't you & Alan just give me a call, as I have a lot of 'um
Also, I really doubt if all Americans will see your post because I think a small percentage of our population hasn't joined ClubCobra yet, but you never know!!
Oops, I hear someone coming, so I will do the manly thing and...... boogie!!
John Russell

[marcocsx3121]

That undoubtedly wins the prize as the funniest post of 2004. Having spent a fair amount of time in the "mother country", it is obvious that you have developed a keen understanding of the cultural and political causes of the American Revolution.

[Gasman]

Long live Queen Laura.

[Jamo]

Sounds like something cut and pasted from Wilf's head.

[weekendwarrior]

Dear Ms. Snake,

I hear Her Majesty only wants her 13 colonies back which she may have without a fight. The Pacific Republic, California, Washington and Oregon will be throwing out all people from the 13 colonies that have carpet bagged since 1946 so they can live under the Queen.

The New United States will all be RED. End of problem.

Gary
10th Generation Californian


P.S. I vote Texas as the Capitol of the New United States.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Good perspective on Yanks not knowing what's going on outside their borders. However some of us Canadians are grateful that Mr Bush got re-elected, it dropped the US dollar and increased ours. Had to give up my guns a while ago,too much red tape here, but would like to retire in gun friendly Arizona but the US immigration doesn't let law abiding white Canadians become US citizens unless you have humungous B@@bs like our gal Pam Anderson. American cars and NFL foots ball ROCK!
Perry in British Columbia
Where politicians are wimps,gas is in litres
and we still haven't given up the british Monarchy
Maybe next century.

[Mrs 66 Snake]

Well, I only wish I could take credit for something so funny. It was sent to me by a Kiwi friend.

And for the record, I'm a Texan and then an American, so seceding isn't really a bad thing.

John - I'll be sending your rebuttal on to the Kiwi. She'll get a kick out of it. And as far as shooting, you must have been the one standing next to me at the Witches' Brew because you missed our gun "collection" - oops! I'm not a candidate for public office (in whatever country) so it's an "arsenal."

Drifter - What did you think about the part where it refered to the World Series only being American teams? I seem to recall Toronto winning a couple championships back in the 90's. Apparently you're already a citizen and minus any kind of plastic surgery.

[Mrs 66 Snake]

Hmmm. A duplicate of the last post.

[Fred Douglass]

Very Phunnie--BUTT---there are some good reasons that the Pommies could never pull it off---1) they can't pronounce their own freakinn' language---(is it a REQUIREMENT that all Bwiddish Televison Commentators NOT be able to pronounce the "R" sound?) 2) Another reason is that the Brits would have to LOWER the taxes they impose on us to 1/15 what they are presently. 3) And--they drive on the wrong side of the road. 4) They drink EVERYTHING warm.

And....just so we Americans can feel better about ourselves---5) have ya seen their TV shows? 6) Read their "newspapers"? Yoiks and awa-a-a-ay! Short of that, they're just plain lovable....and 7) Bwiddish humour is definitely superior---aside from Python, there's also "Morons from Outer Space"----one of the great ones, believe me. Jimmy Nails alone is worth the rental fee. 8) AND (this just in!) they are apparently clamouring about the Cobra having some ancestgors in England--wonder if they mean the snake or the auto?

Well, keep on Lorrying!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Texashire,
Ah the new republic........
We like our beer cold and with 7% alcohol,not the wimpy swill you call Bud.
TO[toronto] is WAYYYY back east and not considered revelant to baseball or hockey,the only game we are good at. I root for the Mariners, but they suck this year,except for a Japanese star Ichiro.
We grew up watching the same shows as you guy's,so we're not that different Eh?
Perry.

[BMK]

Mrs.66 Snake

Thought it was from Australia (not NZ)..

Then;

Trunks will be known as Boots
Hoods will be known as bonnets
Fenders will be known as mudguards
Gas will be known as petrol
Cops will be known as Bobbies
Handguns will be sidearms
Full of beer will be known as pissed...
Sex will be known as rooting



Bernie

[Pete C]

Mrs. 66

Very clever, very funny and a little too close for comfort. But then, there is a school of comedy and life that says it ought to make you squirm just a little.

John Russell,
Blair or GW as Alfred E.?!

Cheers, Pete C

[rdorman]

What would be really funny is if the Queen actually tried to do it! If they couldn't handle the thirteen colonies, how in the world could they handle 50 states!
Rick

[Mrs 66 Snake]

Rick -

She can't handle her own family, let alone her own country.

[rdorman]

Yep, and wish her luck taking the guns away from Texans!

Rick

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Originally posted by Mrs 66 Snake


Rick -

She can't handle her own family, let alone her own country.

As the kids would say "word".
Mike

[chuckmynatt]

Do I sense the Democratic coronation of " Queen Hillary" yet?

Chuck

[BMK]

A second Clinton in the Oval Office..

At least she could admit to having sex with that man..

Bernie